25 tips from the frugally insane.
You know, saving money is a serious business. Sometimes, too serious. So now and then I like to inject a little fun into the proceedings. Back when I was a little younger, I would ocassionally glance at the magazines my mom would read. They were the usual "mom" magazines, like Good Housekeeping, Bella, that kind of thing. And there was always a spot dedicated to tips sent in from readers. You know the ones — "A little club soda and salt will clean up any stain."
Then I found a magazine called VIZ, a comic for grown-ups. And they did what I can only describe as the funniest parody of frugality I have ever read. As you are all fans of saving a few pennies, I thought I'd share these insane tips with you. Trust me when I say that the only use they serve is to give you an occasional chuckle. Enjoy.
1. Save a Fortune on Laundry Bills
Give your dirty shirts to a local charity shop. They'll wash and iron them and you can buy them back for 50 cents.
2. Create Instant Designer Stubble
Suck on a magnet and dip your chin into a bowl of iron filings.
3. Food on the Move
A hedgehog, trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest, makes an unusual and cheap mobile appetizer dispenser at cocktail parties.
4. Foil Pick-Pockets
Place a freshly toasted Pop-Tart in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal home-made "car" for snakes.
6. Clingy Contacts
Can’t afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of clingwrap and press them into your eyes.
7. The Bucket Trick
Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
8. Close Observations
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
9. Jet Setter
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
10. Smart Siphon
Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your gas whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic buckets.
11. Potato Puzzle
Why pay for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen fries from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.
12. Smell Gas?
Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
13. The Butter Trick
Always keep a stick of butter in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.
14. Sunless Tan
Exterior wood stain is a cheap, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.
15. Office Workers
Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making "blinkers" out of two post-it note stickers, one stuck to each temple.
16. Lights Out
Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
17. Fast Wipe
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
18. Personal Address Book
Old telephone directories make ideal, free personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
19. Bye-Bye Bookmark
When reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark.
20. Give It a Push
Save on gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
21. Who Needs Wheels?
Avoid being wheel-clamped by jacking up your car, removing the wheels, and locking them safely in the trunk until you return.
22. Duct Tape Bath
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in duct tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
23. Beware of Bees
Hair gels are expensive. Jelly is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
24. Faux Hangove
Save on alochol by drinking cold tea instead of scotch. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a tablespoon of dish soap and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
25. International Master Criminals
It is possible to make your fortune. Simply tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
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