And the winners are...(drum roll please)

By Paul Michael on 4 May 2007 (Updated 9 June 2007) 3 comments

nail bite

Hey folks. Sorry it's taken me a while to post the results of my two little competitions, I have been on a well-earned vacation. But, I am back and have spent the last hour going over all the entries from both the Speeding Ticket post and the recent Disney DVDs post.

I congratulate you all on some very clever and honest entries (although telling me you'll use a DVD as a coaster is never going to win I'm afraid, even if it was sarcasm at it's finest). So, without further ado, the winners are posted below, complete with their entries.

The Speeding Excuse

KARI - I congratulate you. I'm happy that PMS can at least come in handy. Your tiny remote-controlled car will ship soon. Enjoy.

"Whenever a male cop pulls me over, I tell him I just got my period and start gushing gory details. They usually let me off just to get me to shut up."

Pirates and Cars and t-shirts, oh my.

Lots of entries here, many worthy ones. In the end, it was a tough call but here are the results. If you didn't bag anything this time, keep popping back to Wisebread. I'm sure I'll find more stuff to give away.

CARS DVD - KENCOMER

Ken, never has a comment been as long or emotional. I hope the DVD helps ease the pain.

"I have a deep emotional need for the Disney movie.

When I was three and riding with my dad in his VW, he had to come to a sudden stop. I'm not sure how it happened because, like, I was only three, but I have an inch-long scar on my nose. My parents told me that my nose was nearly ripped off, and that the small scar on the side of my nose once went almost all of the way around. The doctor who stitched me up did a terrific job and, until I tell you that it's there, you probably won't notice it. I'm not making this up... It really happened and I have the scar to prove it.

When I was about 5, I jumped over the rim in the above-ground 30" deep pool my parents had bought us, and I kept my face from hitting the bottom by jamming my hand on a wind-up metal sea-plane. I came up and watched as my hand turned from wet with a red streak into nearly solid red from hand to elbow. Mother went a bit hysterical, then pulled herself together and took me to the hospital. Seven stitches on that one.

When I was 7 and riding my bike on the sidewalk, a neighbor came zooming out of his garage and down his steeply inclined driveway, knocking me over and cutting a deep gash in the top part of my foot. I walked home leaving a trail of bloody prints of my right foot. I was pretty calm about it and asked my dad to get me something to stop my foot from bleeding. He asked me, "Do want a band-aid?" I said, "No... I don't think we have any band-aids big enough." My grandparents were there at the time and I never saw such confusion as everybody tried to do everything at once. Fourteen stitches.

hen I was 11, I went through a glass shower door, getting slashed both going in and pulling myself out. I even got another one when I sat down to recover from having been sliced and diced. I screamed bloody murder. Mother, cooking in the kitchen, sent my youngest sister to see what was wrong. I was naked and I did not want my sister to see me naked, so I stuck my arm out the door. It was sopping wet with blood and there was a large shard of glass protruding from it. My little sister went ape-**** and ran through the house, shrieking like she'd just been branded. My mother decided that she had best investigate in person. When she got there, she went white as a klansman's hood and looked like she was going to lose it. She didn't, though, and started wrapping towels around the wounds that did not have obvious pieces of glass sticking out of them. She sent the middle sister across the street to get the help of the retired Marine Colonel. He came at once--I had somehow splattered blood on her leg, so he caught the sense of urgency despite my sister's self-reported incoherence. They carried me out to the street naked. I was less mortified by the blood streaming from seven large wounds on my body than by having my nakedness paraded before the entire neighborhood and my naked butt put on the grass. He ran across the street to get his Lincoln with white leather seats. He put me in the back seat and told my mother to sit with me while he drove to the hospital. I tried to make light of the situation, saying, "I guess I'm gonna miss football practice tomorrow." My mother did not understand and asked me to repeat it. When I did, she stuck her head out the window and barfed. Some people have no sense of humor. That was 117 stitches on the outside with a large number of things stitched up on the inside. In removing the stitches on my back, the doctor (who had not done the neat, careful stitching of the others) left part of one stitch in my back. I kept complaining about the itch until my mother took me back to see a doctor at the hospital. He probed around a little, finally found the small bit of stitching and pulled it free, coated with a yucky yellow-brown layer of necrotic tissue. For some reason, I still frequently have an itch there 38 years later.

By the way, the Marine would not even let my parents pay to have his car cleaned. A real class act, he was. Pretty much every Marine I have met has been that way.

Since then, I fell down a trail at Scout camp (7 stitches), caught one of those old metal fans as it toppled (5 stitches), and blew off getting stitches in a cut on my face, leaving me with a mildly roguish scar near my eyebrow. I also have burn scars on my legs and a large, deep-puckered scar from back surgery. The scars from my vasectomy are too small to worry about, and most people don't even notice them at all. The same for the scars from having my wisdom teeth removed, although I have never had anyone ask to see those, whereas some women do want to see the vasectomy scars. Given that some women are fascinated by my vasectomy scars, I have tried the pick-up line of, "Hey... Wanna see my vasectomy scars?" It worked once, even though she'd already seen them. Some women are just fixated on testicle surgery, I guess.

So. That's why I think you should give me the Scars movie. Hopefully, when I think of the klutzy things I have done and all of the little reminders that life has written on my flesh, it will help to give me a sense of humor about it all, and not blow it out of proportion."

PIRATES DVD - CHERYL

Not only did you make me laugh, but the chance to help any woman achieve orgasm without betraying my lovely wife is one I have to jump at. May Cap'n Jack give you years of pleasure.

"I need you to give me Dead Man's Chest immediately. Do it. NOW. I have such a case of the hots for Captain Jack Sparrow, and have worn out my copy of Curse of The Black Pearl, by watching it and creating various fantasies in my mind's eye (Aye!) about the two of us in various states of pillaging and plundering our booty (booties!) together! I have worn out my fantasies with this version of the movie, and to not give me Dead Mans Chest would be depriving a 40-ish single woman, in her sexual prime, of new material and future orgasms! Perish the thought!"

Pirates t-shirts for the 'close but no dvd' category.

DEAN IN DES MOINES - Who says honesty doesn't pay?

"Why would someone enter such a drawing? Because, for the first time, I'd be happier with the runner's up prize. Heh."

CARO - Being fired sucks, I know the feeling. It's not a DVD but I hope the t-shirt gives you a smile.

"I just got 'terminated' from my government job of 2.5 years without explanation by a letter. Yes, that's right, they sent me a letter. I did not get asked in for a meeting, nor did I get a phone call -- all I got was a lousy, certified letter.

It's a sad story. I mean, c'mon, I'm a poor, underpaid, yet over-worked college student and I just got terminated. A free movie would definitely right all those wrongs, don'tcha think?"

I will be in touch with all of the winners early next week to confirm addresses and so forth. Congrats again, and well done on some great entries. The Wisebread crowd are a funny, verbally-gifted bunch.

Photo courtesy of The Stock Exchange

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Mercedes

she went white as a klansman's hood and looked like she was going to lose it.

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kencomer

wanna see my vasectomy scar?

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Cheryl

Woo Hoo!! New fantasies await!!!