Child Abuse and the Recession

As an attorney who handles these kinds of cases once the social service agencies get involved (representing both children and parents), I think it fair to warn well intentioned people that they may be setting off the equivalent of a nuclear bomb when they tip off so-called "service agencies" they think a child is being abused.

I'm not saying not to call if you think a child is being severely abused (witness severe beatings, see constant suspicious bruises on areas of the body (such as the back) which aren't prone to childhood clumsiness, etc.), but to be careful about what you're unleashing upon an already-frail barely-functioning family. So-called "Social Services" departments usually have NO social services attached to them, only destruction. 99 times out of 100, either the agency destroys a family that only needed a little help to do better, permanently traumatizing the children and often destroying their lives, yanks a child that SHOULD be yanked but then hands the child back to a psycho-parent who should NOT get back custody, or the family retreats from potential support networks who could help them out of fear of well-intentioned busybodies 'sicing social service agencies on them and destroying their family.

This is not paranoid rantings ... out of HUNDREDS of court cases I have handled, I can only name ONE case where calling in the agencies improved a child's life, TWO cases where kids were handed back that should not have been, and over 250 cases where DSS just made lots of threats, shuffled the kids around from foster home to foster home (destroying their ability to form bonds with people), then handed them back to parents who either were not helped (nothing changed) or who were helped by people other than social service agency.

If you suspect a parent is functioning below societal standards or beginning to lose it, don't yell at them, give them "the talk" (you know, the "we're concerned ... do we need to call DSS" talk) or threaten to call the police or DSS. If you do this, either they will disappear and not be helped or you will unleash a series of events that will be the opposite of the good intent you have in mind.

If you think the problem is symptomatic of stress and benign neglect and not because the parent is potentially a psychopathic baby-killer (if the latter, PLEASE call the police right away), be sympathetic about how hard it is to be a parent today and offer support and advice (to the best of your ability given the situation). For example, if a relative or neighbor is going through a tough time, offer to take one of their kids off their hands a couple of hours a week to teach them a new skill you enjoy teaching (piano, baseball, nature walks, etc.). Mom/dad get a break, the kid gets a new auntie or uncle, you get the joy of mentorship. Ask another relative or neighbor if they, too, would be willing to do this.

Don't force your yuppie-upper-middle-class-of-course-all-kids-should-have-private-school-and-dance-lessons-and-parents-should-never-ever-raise-their-voices sensibilities upon the parent. I doubt entitlement-issues are a problem with Wise Bread readers, but you'd be amazed at how many people have really unrealistic ideas about what constitutes "abuse" for a child (wearing hand me downs, not having snack food such as chips and lunchables in the house, etc.) DSS will manufacture confirmations of abuse when it doesn't exist after the 3rd or 4th bogus child abuse allegation by a vindictive person (twice I had cases where the only evidence of abuse were jealous wannabe-girlfriends repeated hotline calls trying to break up a relationship which were never substantiated, but the social workers decided to call it child abuse reasoning "if someone calls us, it MUST be abuse.")

If you want to help, invite the parent over for coffee and listen while they tell you their story. Most people are reluctant to discuss their problems, but if you provide a sympathetic ear, most eventually will. Even if they say nothing, just the fact of having a "normal" friend who listens to them will reduce their stress levels, which will translate into more patience with their children. If you know of resources that can help them stretch their meager resources further, educate them AND encourage them that there is no shame in accepting help when it is needed. If you have ever yourself or know of a respected friend who had once use these services, say so. In my area there are food pantries, free REAL parent education classes NOT offered by DSS (in other words, not simply the "are you beating your kids" type) offered by the "super mommy" groups, educational job training, etc. A lot of otherwise good parents start to lose it because they are ashamed to ask for help and the stress gets unloaded onto their kids.

The Mormon Church in our area has begun to offer excellent free "life skills" classes once a month ranging from budgeting to self-car-maintenance once per month to ANYONE, not just Mormons (highly recommended). If an asteroid were to hit the earth tomorrow, most disaster planners believe that 80% of the people who survive will be Mormons because they are always so well prepared.

If you are a typical Wise Bread tightwad, tell them your own tips for squeezing a penny until it cries and offer to help them learn how you do it. I have a dog-eared ratty old copy of the "Complete Tightwad Gazette" I hand to clients to skim through if lack of resources is the root of most of their problems and, believe me, it HELPS them. Don't scorn them if they are foolish with their money ... many weren't so lucky as to have positive frugal role models. Teach them "to fish" and become their frugal hero.

If the stressed parent is someone transient you see at a supermarket beginning to lose it, be kind. Smile at the parent (not criticize), say something sympathetic such as "I remember when my daughter would tantrum like that at the store" and then go on to offer some solution such as "I used to keep a little container of raisins in my purse and give it to them at the checkout line" or "I used to only be able to shop at 9:00 a.m. because any time after that my little guy needed his nap and would sprout horns." Smile at the child and say something nice such as "hey little guy, you look tired/hungry/sad/angry." The child will usually eye you suspiciously and begin to hic-cough but wail less insistently. In one fail swoop, you have offered the parent a mini-therapeutic session of empathy, redirected the child, and given them a tool to avoid the situation in the future. In other words, you will have just done a better job than most social service agencies, without unleashing destructive forces to destroy the family.

If after reading this you determine the parent has deteriorated to the psycho-parent stage and a call to the authorities is in order, keep your mouth shut about who made the call and be sure to protect your identity. The degree of parent who -NEEDS- social services intervention to help the kids is also the type of parent who will come after you with a crowbar in a dark parking lot some night. Every creature on the planet will kill when it's young are threatened. Only humans are nieve enough to think this instinct has been socialized out of a parent who is having their kid taken away by DSS. If you -don't- fear the parent like this, rethink calling and -do- think about how you can help hook the parent up with needed services and a support network to solve the problem. The goal should be to help the family, not punish or destroy it.