I was always taught to accept a gift graciously, but I wasn't ever taught that one had to be given in return. Giving something with the expectation of getting something back is extremely rude, in my book. How do you know the other person's situation? They might not like you, they might not have enough money, or it might not be convenient in other ways for them to return the gift.

If you move in circles where you MUST get the gifter something, try not getting anything a few times. I bet people will soon stop buying you stuff, if they expect something back.

The problem (or maybe the benefit) of the big gift from relatives is that it's not expected to be reciprocated in kind. What that means in practice, though, is that it takes a lot of thought to give back something that doesn't seem inappropriate. If you have access to a family archive of photos (much easier in these days of scanners), you can have a nice picture of a common relative (grandmother, greatgrandmother, whatever) printed in 5x7 and put it in a pretty frame--if you're careful, you can get one for less than $10 that looks great. It's a thoughtful gift that acknowledges your closeness without trying to out-price anyone.

More difficult with family friends, but if you have an older photo, particularly of your families together back in the day, this is a nice option.

There are certain relatives we give gifts to, never expecting a return, because they're always "broke". (Stuff like a double batch of homemade sugar free cookies for a diabetic.) They'd feel badly not getting anything for Christmas (our family members are all really little kids at heart) and we generally enjoy trying to figure stuff out for them. Another relative had the great good sense to say "let's just get things for the kids" and so we have with theirs. Our gifts can be homemade or purchased but "cool", hers are always purchased and "cool". One sister is an awesome shopper. There is no way to reciprocate in kind. It's not that she always spends a ton of money (we're both thrift store junkies) but she has an incredable eye and LOVES to shop. Then she wraps them in the most beautiful ways. I've framed some of her wrappings. We get her things she can't find easily in Florida. Vintage dishes from the 1930's in dandilion yellow. Another sister gives us lots of small things. Not our tastes, but reflective of what she likes and wants. We've found when we get her similar things the following year, she's delighted to receive them, "Socks!, just what I wanted, how did you know?" If we can be straight with each person that's best. If not, we try to enjoy the process, or at least not be so thrown by it. If we receive something horribly horrible, we bring it to the thrift store. Someone will be able to use it.

Socio-culturally, I've grown up to believe that tasteful and appropriate gifts and its presentation etiquette are the mark of a well-bred and educated person. Well executed, and you are praised for your ingenuity and arbiter abilities. Poorly reciprocated, and you can eat a social suicide and snickered and paying with your "trashy" reputation.

Be careful with this one, because in certain circles of popular society, this could be a land mine. The nervous "guilt" associated with receiving gifts is rightly so because for some, it is a test to evaluate the premium of your social standing, your cultural depth, and who you are in relation to them. In my experience, I've used this strategic tactic to give gifts, and I myself have bombed miserably in gracious receiving. We do get better with practice.

It's rarely just about money; it's really a complex and symbolic art about fitting in. Some of the best gifts are exactly what the other person wants, hard to procure, and sophisticated things that makes the other person look good. I need not explain how to prepare for or play this game adeptly, but essentially if you suffer from guilt and must respond to the gift, you should ask the CLASSIEST friend you know for advice.

When I was young, I'd receive gifts from friends, parents' associates and relatives and my mother would go through lengths to teach me how to make the giver feel good, and tokens of reciprocation depending on our relationship, cleverness, and ensure that we were properly responsive. For a lot of people it was a crucial matter of classiness, wit, and smart reputation. As I got a bit older, I learned first hand that the penalties for not doing so could be: empty-handed embarrassment, appearing ingrateful or crude, vicious snickering about your character flaws or even alienating/insulting a potential ally. I also came to understand that grotesquely horrid gifts could an indicator of the other person's obtuse upbringing, a sign of a deteriorating relationship, or simply someone's financial strain.

For instance, in reciprocation for a large sum of travel money, I got wealthy relatives was a set of hand-carve turtles from a remote village in Zambia, which they could never have gotten themselves and symbolized longevity in our culture, and an intriguing legend. After a trip to Idaho, I presented my good-humored neighbors each with a Russet potato. To the boss's birthday, I gave various bottles of Odwalla juice for his health. To some ill-conceived present, I promptly returned it to sender. And to some who re-gifted in absolutely poor taste, we just generously ignored, sent a thank you email, and donated it.

If money is tight, it's best to conceal it with generous home-made cookies, symbolic things of appreciation, or a potted fern from the garden, an abundance of fragrant fruit, or dedicated artwork from your toddler child.

Of another gift incident, well, two.

1) I was in a cousin's wedding and the other bridesmaids (one her sister, and also my cousin) insisted on having a fancy schmancy shower AND an engagement party. I have rules about weddings, one is I give one gift on one occasion - so if you got one at the shower, you're done but I also avoid showers like the plague, so it'll probably come for your wedding. And, two, I do not give engagement party gifts. So, this shower had already cost me $250, I paid $75 for the bachelorette party I was not attending because of another wedding, plus $50 for the bridesmaid gift and then I cut them off (because the shower ended up costing $1400 and I said we could do it for my $250 if we used someone's house and cooked ourselves - and it turns out my scones would have been far superior to what we did eat) and I still had shoes, hair, makeup, hotel room, etc etc etc to pay for for this wedding. And I said I wasn't bringing a gift to the engagement party and they (the other two bridesmaids) looked at me like I was NUTS. Hello, Miss Manners says so and not that this counts, but said cousin was previously engaged (didn't get married) and had a shower and I bought a gift and so did everyone else and the cousin dutifully asked if we wanted it back at the cancellation of the wedding, to which everyone but her sisters replied, no, keep it, you might need it. Plus, at a lunch with the bride she told me that she didn't even want a shower. This was after her sister INSISTED she did and insisted she'd be embarrassed if it wasn't nice.

I did not have a shower for my wedding. I hate them and think they're a stupid waste of money and I told people if they really wanted to spend $1000 to watch me open a bunch of gifts I would save the gifts I got in the mail and they could come over, give me $1000 and I would open them in front of them.

2)The sister of the bride is constantly having parties for her children, which I also dont' attend because a)the kids don't need more presents and I'd feel obliged to bring one and spend money I could save on it b)I hate kid birthday parties almost as much as showers and c) the one time I did go to something for one of her kids and I did bring a gift I never got a thank you.

Same cousin (the sister, not the bride, we like the bride) did not attend my wedding, nor did she send a gift or a card. Still pisses me off - all of it.

And that is why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday - no gifts!

The first couple of years after I was married I found Christmas was a very expensive business. My in-laws liked to give each other expensive gifts. This was fine because my husband's siblings were not married then and only had to buy a few gifts but we had gifts for my family also and had to buy 22 gifts.

I suggested that we draw a name so that each person would get one good gift or limit the gifts to $10 or $20. They refused and one brother-in-law made a point of leaving the price tag on his gift to us.

I certainly didn't stand corrected. He was just counting his one Christmas present to us. But we have given to him all year round, eg entertaining his friends when they were visiting our town - bil just gave our name and phone number without consulting us and telling them to look us up. Letting his friends stay at our place when we were on holidays. Treating him for meals and giving him books and other things. He would let us buy software and then he would borrow it and had the nerve to remind us to get the update! He took all these things for granted but it cost us time and money.

My MIL rejected gifts we gave her. She just said she didn't want it, take it back. I took no pleasure in gift giving but my husband said we had to give her a gift. I would buy her something from a department store and she would receive her gift and the receipt so she could exchange it.

I discovered that it was his family that insisted on Christmas gifts. Their spouses all shared the same view as I did but got no where about changing things. My SIL's husband said she didn't speak to him for a day after he suggested no gifts.

Finally, a few years ago we said that we would stop giving gifts.

Only those under 21 and over 65 would get a gift. And we would donate money to a charity.

It created a big fuss. I couldn't understand why. After all, their kids would still presents. We don't have kids so, in effect, they got a better deal because they wouldn't have any costs and their kids got something free.

My MIL called us cheap. She said that even when they were poor everyone got a gift. This is the woman who always rejected our gifts! My SIL said, "Don't you want to feel validated by having a gift?" Validated? I have enough self-esteem I don't need a leather eye glass holder, probably the cheapest item from Ferragamo, to validate myself!

Most of the gifts we received from them ended up at the Salvation Army. Items such as the Itty Bitty Book Light, Deep Fryer, mostly stuff from Costco. All unused. And I noticed that they didn't care for our gifts either. Christmas dinner is at MIL's and his brothers don't even bother to take the presents home. They have been left in MIL's basement for years.

MIL has a room full of Christmas presents, some unopened. We cleared out her pantry and threw out lots of stuff from Christmas baskets - cookies, tea, candies all untouched and past their safe-use date. What a waste!

I jokingly told my husband that we should go into the basement, rewrap a couple of her gifts and give them to her and she wouldn't even know the difference. Actually, last Christmas I found an old gift bag and tag we had used for her gift. I used it again for our gift to her and as I hadn't dated it, we didn't have to write another tag even. How is that for recycling?

Usually, I write a couple of sentences for comments but I have gone on and on. It is a sore sujbect. Which is sad because there is no spirit of Christmas in that sort of gift giving.

Appropriate gifts are marks of good graces, personal tastes, and attention to the recipient. It should be given with no-strings-attached, but increasingly it is also used as a business transaction to curry favors. In lean years, I tended to give more organic gifts from the garden and orchard: fruits, bouquets, flower arrangements. Nowadays I make personalized sets of things and hand-deliver them.

While we all try our best within accordance to our means and ability, and I'm sure we would all like to be good standing members of our community and families, some people's financial situation are simply bound to make them indebted (whether they feel it or not) and others will let people down. Others simply don't have the capacity to not seem vulgar and to cheapen the symbolic gift-giving. It isn't about the price tag, it's classically about the presence and the emotional value of the gift.

It isn't easy, buddy if it were, then we wouldn't notice gift-giving guilt. We worry because we're afraid we might insult another person we care about.

I suppose I myself would rather receive NO gifts than crummy gifts---but why not aim for good gifts... or excellent gifts...or marvelously personalized gifts? I'll concede that it particularly matters to me. I have always been more artisan-inclined, travel a lot, and I try to see it through that the presents honor that recipient, but then again, there are many people who are better than me in other skills such as writing that perfect letter, or being more witty and gregarious at the table.