In-laws teaching my kids unfrugal habits

Alpha Mom · 12-27-2007, 01:23 AM

My husband's side of the family is pretty well off. We get along generally and usually have a great time hanging out during Christmas. In the last couple of years, however, my husband's side of the family have been giving my sons (ages 8 and 14) more and more expensive gifts.

We've been trying to teach our boys to save their allowances and then buy the things they want with their savings. But in the last few years, because their aunts and uncles have spoiled them with so many gfits, it is getting harder to drill those lessons home.

But I can't say no to the gifts can I? I feel churlish for even posting about this. Maybe a little bit of me is jealous that they can buy such elaborate gifts for my sons. I've hinted to them to cut back on the expensive gifts (this year they got us a Nintendo Wii) but they always brush it off as "oh its nothing it is just for the kids."

Am I wrong for feeling a bit peeved?

Julie Rains · 12-27-2007, 03:33 AM

I don't necessarily feel this way but have a friend who does. My kids have an aunt who spoils them with trips to Target but they have learned that even she has limits. Anyway back to my friend...she said that when she was a kid, she'd been saving up for a toy or book or something and was disappointed when she received it as a gift instead; apparently she felt proud when she was able to buy certain items for herself. I don't recall such a thing happening to me...but if it did, I would just take the money I had saved and redirect it to a savings account or CD.

Aaron Stroud · 12-27-2007, 10:45 AM

You are right to be concerned and turning down the gifts in advance is completely acceptable if the relatives are not willing to tone down the gifts.

It's up to you and your husband to make a judgement call---are the gifts seriously undermining your work as parents or are they simply making your job a little bit more difficult.

Our approach has been to openly talk to our son about the extravagant gifts he's received and the impact that has on relatives who, for instance, aren't saving for retirement. That way as he gets older, he will be less likely to repeat the cycle!

pingem · 12-28-2007, 02:03 AM

Aaron has a good point. The kids need to know that the toys don't grow on trees and that each purchase is in a sense a lifestyle choice.

This might even be a great opportunity to talk to your kids about financial responsibility. I know parents usually want to sheild their kids from financial realities for a while so they can have a fond childhood, but giving your kids a sound foundation of personal finance know-how is truly the best gift you can give them.

gspencer · 01-11-2008, 10:37 PM

Your kids should equal your rules. Having said that, maybe the well off family members can buy the family a nice gift (all to share, makes the expense of the gift not so large) and opt instead for money to your sons college savings. That is something the kids will greatly appreciate in the future, the family members can't complain about and the amount no matter how high would be welcomed, I would think. If not, you might have to have a talk with the family and let them know how their well meant gifts are not the issue, but the lesson that you're trying to teach them that is getting thwarted. They'll probably understand why you're feelign uncomfortable if it's not about the gift or the price of the gift that you're opposing (so it's not them you're opposing), but instead the lesson (which they might not know you're trying to teach them) that is getting lost in the barage of well meant expensive gifts.

Miss Rosie · 01-12-2008, 01:10 AM

I don't mind so much when either me or my son get extravagant gifts, but we're not really frugal. We're poor. His allowance is so small that if he had to save for some of this stuff, it would take him more than a year, in some cases, more than two years. Some family members have enough money so that it's chump change. These gifts are how they help without being condescending jerks.

My son has wonderfully frugal habits. He's inherited my preference for second-hand stuff, and is beginning to learn to look around for what he has rather than thinking in terms of buying something right away. The gifts have not changed that. He's just grateful for them, and so am I.

Joanne · 01-12-2008, 06:01 AM

Hi Alpha Mom...welcome to the forums.

I think that at age 8 and 14, they're old enough to understand that getting expensive gifts from a family member doesn't change how you live at home or that they're going to get gifts like that all the time.

Fpr me, the focus would be on having a sense of gratitude when they receive these gifts. Knowing that someone bought a gift for me that they thought I would enjoy, is something to be thankful for. It should be accepted with love and thanks, and then enjoyed.

My advice? Play Nintendo with your kids. Cheer them on! Have family Wii night.

Gootsy · 01-12-2008, 10:08 AM

Make a rule that, if they buy a gift for your children, it cannot be something that will frequently require extra money from them(kids) or you to enjoy.

This rule alone will cut the # of spoiling gifts significantly. If you include batteries in this category of gifts (where batteries aren't included and you have to buy them), then that cuts it down even more!

Also you could make exceptions to this rule. Like if a blue-ray DVD player is something you all want, and will most likely buy one for yourselves eventually, then it's ok.

Ronni · 01-12-2008, 01:33 PM

I wouldn't have a problem with the expensive gifts. Especially with something like a Wii that everyone can enjoy. (Where are people finding all these Wiis anyway? I've yet to see one in a store.)

As long as your kids don't ever go "Why should I save for this when I'm going to get it for Christmas, anyway?" it seems all right to me. One thing to remember is that those people are are most likely giving them the gifts because they enjoy doing so. I'd hate for someone to tell me not to do that for whatever reason.

Miss Rosie · 01-13-2008, 08:56 AM

If the gift in question is a Wii, it allows for plenty of stuff for the kids to save for. Extra remotes, new games, accessories, all kinds of things.

We got a Wii for Christmas from my father last year, and my son saves for games, buys them used, trades them back, etc. It's also nice, because we both enjoy it. Even if I'm too klutzy to play with him or it's a one-person game, I like to watch him play.

In frugal terms, the Wii is a fantastic console. It's backward compatible with the Gamecube, and you can download all kinds of old N64 and Sega games. You can also rent Wii and Gamecube games from Blockbuster and GameFly.

I don't think frugality should strip life of fun, or of our appreciation of other people's generosity. I'm glad my father gave us the Wii, because we both enjoy it and it frees up money for other things that are more in the necessity category. $250 is a lot for us, and it's hard to justify spending it on a console when there are so many other things we need. Having it, though, adds a lot of enjoyment to our lives, and the occasional second-hand game doesn't take such a bite out of our budget.

12-27-2007, 01:23 AM	#1
Alpha Mom Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 4 Reputation: (10)	In-laws teaching my kids unfrugal habits My husband's side of the family is pretty well off. We get along generally and usually have a great time hanging out during Christmas. In the last couple of years, however, my husband's side of the family have been giving my sons (ages 8 and 14) more and more expensive gifts. We've been trying to teach our boys to save their allowances and then buy the things they want with their savings. But in the last few years, because their aunts and uncles have spoiled them with so many gfits, it is getting harder to drill those lessons home. But I can't say no to the gifts can I? I feel churlish for even posting about this. Maybe a little bit of me is jealous that they can buy such elaborate gifts for my sons. I've hinted to them to cut back on the expensive gifts (this year they got us a Nintendo Wii) but they always brush it off as "oh its nothing it is just for the kids." Am I wrong for feeling a bit peeved?

12-27-2007, 10:45 AM	#3
Aaron Stroud Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Seabeck, WA Posts: 4 Reputation: (10)	You are right to be concerned and turning down the gifts in advance is completely acceptable if the relatives are not willing to tone down the gifts. It's up to you and your husband to make a judgement call---are the gifts seriously undermining your work as parents or are they simply making your job a little bit more difficult. Our approach has been to openly talk to our son about the extravagant gifts he's received and the impact that has on relatives who, for instance, aren't saving for retirement. That way as he gets older, he will be less likely to repeat the cycle! __________________ *On Financial Success* - A Practical How To

01-12-2008, 06:01 AM	#7
Joanne Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Originally from New York City, now in Florida since 2002. Posts: 131 Reputation: (43)	Hi Alpha Mom...welcome to the forums. I think that at age 8 and 14, they're old enough to understand that getting expensive gifts from a family member doesn't change how you live at home or that they're going to get gifts like that all the time. Fpr me, the focus would be on having a sense of gratitude when they receive these gifts. Knowing that someone bought a gift for me that they thought I would enjoy, is something to be thankful for. It should be accepted with love and thanks, and then enjoyed. My advice? Play Nintendo with your kids. Cheer them on! Have family Wii night. __________________ My Myspace Page Forever Parents Adoption Shop

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12-27-2007, 03:33 AM	#2
Julie Rains Wise Bread Blogger Join Date: May 2007 Location: North Carolina Posts: 233 Reputation: (66)	I don't necessarily feel this way but have a friend who does. My kids have an aunt who spoils them with trips to Target but they have learned that even she has limits. Anyway back to my friend...she said that when she was a kid, she'd been saving up for a toy or book or something and was disappointed when she received it as a gift instead; apparently she felt proud when she was able to buy certain items for herself. I don't recall such a thing happening to me...but if it did, I would just take the money I had saved and redirect it to a savings account or CD.

12-28-2007, 02:03 AM	#4
pingem Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 11 Reputation: (10)	Aaron has a good point. The kids need to know that the toys don't grow on trees and that each purchase is in a sense a lifestyle choice. This might even be a great opportunity to talk to your kids about financial responsibility. I know parents usually want to sheild their kids from financial realities for a while so they can have a fond childhood, but giving your kids a sound foundation of personal finance know-how is truly the best gift you can give them.

01-11-2008, 10:37 PM	#5
gspencer Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: California Posts: 6 Reputation: (10)	Your kids should equal your rules. Having said that, maybe the well off family members can buy the family a nice gift (all to share, makes the expense of the gift not so large) and opt instead for money to your sons college savings. That is something the kids will greatly appreciate in the future, the family members can't complain about and the amount no matter how high would be welcomed, I would think. If not, you might have to have a talk with the family and let them know how their well meant gifts are not the issue, but the lesson that you're trying to teach them that is getting thwarted. They'll probably understand why you're feelign uncomfortable if it's not about the gift or the price of the gift that you're opposing (so it's not them you're opposing), but instead the lesson (which they might not know you're trying to teach them) that is getting lost in the barage of well meant expensive gifts.

01-12-2008, 01:10 AM	#6
Miss Rosie Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 101 Reputation: (27)	I don't mind so much when either me or my son get extravagant gifts, but we're not really frugal. We're poor. His allowance is so small that if he had to save for some of this stuff, it would take him more than a year, in some cases, more than two years. Some family members have enough money so that it's chump change. These gifts are how they help without being condescending jerks. My son has wonderfully frugal habits. He's inherited my preference for second-hand stuff, and is beginning to learn to look around for what he has rather than thinking in terms of buying something right away. The gifts have not changed that. He's just grateful for them, and so am I.

01-12-2008, 10:08 AM	#8
Gootsy Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 236 Reputation: (19)	Make a rule that, if they buy a gift for your children, it cannot be something that will frequently require extra money from them(kids) or you to enjoy. This rule alone will cut the # of spoiling gifts significantly. If you include batteries in this category of gifts (where batteries aren't included and you have to buy them), then that cuts it down even more! Also you could make exceptions to this rule. Like if a blue-ray DVD player is something you all want, and will most likely buy one for yourselves eventually, then it's ok.

01-12-2008, 01:33 PM	#9
Ronni Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Chicago, IL Posts: 92 Reputation: (25)	I wouldn't have a problem with the expensive gifts. Especially with something like a Wii that everyone can enjoy. (Where are people finding all these Wiis anyway? I've yet to see one in a store.) As long as your kids don't ever go "Why should I save for this when I'm going to get it for Christmas, anyway?" it seems all right to me. One thing to remember is that those people are are most likely giving them the gifts because they enjoy doing so. I'd hate for someone to tell me not to do that for whatever reason.

01-13-2008, 08:56 AM	#10
Miss Rosie Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 101 Reputation: (27)	If the gift in question is a Wii, it allows for plenty of stuff for the kids to save for. Extra remotes, new games, accessories, all kinds of things. We got a Wii for Christmas from my father last year, and my son saves for games, buys them used, trades them back, etc. It's also nice, because we both enjoy it. Even if I'm too klutzy to play with him or it's a one-person game, I like to watch him play. In frugal terms, the Wii is a fantastic console. It's backward compatible with the Gamecube, and you can download all kinds of old N64 and Sega games. You can also rent Wii and Gamecube games from Blockbuster and GameFly. I don't think frugality should strip life of fun, or of our appreciation of other people's generosity. I'm glad my father gave us the Wii, because we both enjoy it and it frees up money for other things that are more in the necessity category. $250 is a lot for us, and it's hard to justify spending it on a console when there are so many other things we need. Having it, though, adds a lot of enjoyment to our lives, and the occasional second-hand game doesn't take such a bite out of our budget.