Peer Pressure to Spend

[Cziki]

Originally Posted by Rebecca

And how do you deal with friends who aren't on board with your frugality?

That's hard. If at a bar, people know I don't drink so I don't have to spend money on expensive drinks.

If at a restaurant, get the cheapest dish -- something from the appetizer section.

And avoid gatherings like tupperware parties. It's hard to refuse invitations to these expensive gatherings but after awhile, it becomes easier to say you're busy with other commitments.

[jdp]

I vaguely remember feeling that way. But then I spent so much time immersing myself in things that truly made me happy (and, ironically, were free) that such comments now just make me chuckle at what people consider "living" now.

[Rebecca]

Originally Posted by jdp

I vaguely remember feeling that way. But then I spent so much time immersing myself in things that truly made me happy (and, ironically, were free) that such comments now just make me chuckle at what people consider "living" now.

I think at some point I will (I hope!) get to where your mindset. I think right now since I'm so new at being frugal, and I get such an immediate rush spending $, I just can't put myself in tempting situations. I'm sure it will get easier in time. I hope!

[jdp]

Originally Posted by Rebecca

I think at some point I will (I hope!) get to where your mindset. I think right now since I'm so new at being frugal, and I get such an immediate rush spending $, I just can't put myself in tempting situations. I'm sure it will get easier in time. I hope!

Is it because you are looking at being frugal as denying yourself something? It really speeds up the "process" if you look at being frugal as the means to reaching a more important goal than "immediate gratification" type thing via spending.

Sorry, I'd probably know that if I was here longer and knew everyone.

When your idea of "fun" is riding down a bike trail on a bike you got for $10 enjoying the scenery and the other bikers it becomes harder to get a kick out of spending money at the mall when you'd much rather save for a more spiffy bike.

And I'm no gardener but growing things at home to eat just makes eating so much more enjoyable and personal than plucking things off a shelf at a grocery store in a crowd and a rush.

And spending $20+ on a new bestseller at the bookstore only to find it disappointing is more than a disappointing story. Its really kind of fun to just see what pops up at the library and to enjoy a little serendipity.

So throughout such experiences I've also found my definition of friends changing. If someone can't understand my motivation or what makes me happy??? And I think even my relationships with my "spending" friends has gotten easier, not more difficult (probably not initially) since eventually there is much more talking and laughing and interaction when you aren't otherwise engaged in finding a good bargain, if this or that item at the store is super or not or similar things.

And there was a point in time where if someone 'eyerolled' me over what I was working on (financial goals) then I'd even remember to give them one when they told me how much they spent on something... then eventually it just got to be funny. The real friends are the ones who'll laugh WITH you about the difference.

[Rebecca]

I'm not sure how I'm viewing my newfound frugality...I have to think about that...I've had such a poor relationship with money - I grew up with my father telling me, "You want it? Get it." So there are lots of things I "want" that I don't need. Since I've been selling a lot of stuff on ebay, I've actually started to feel a bit ashamed at all of the excess...all of this money spent on really frivolous things, things never used, things that I wouldn't have bought if I had made myself wait a day or two on it.

[rolltimer]

If your problem was trying to lose weight or stop drinking to excess, do you think your friend would be more supportive of you? Trent at The Simple Dollar writes about his experiences in cutting out frivolous spending and the toll it took on his friendship with someone who Trent believed was addicted to spending money. When Trent gave up the frivolous lifestyle, he discovered his friend was unable to adjust to the change.

If your friend is not open to free or inexpensive alternatives, then perhaps it would be best to find friends who share your financial goals. Could be she is unwilling to face her own financial situation and the fact that you are dealing with yours gets her to feeling uncomfortable. If she can get you to forget this frugality lifestyle, she can go back to feeling better about her own spending habits.

Stick to your goals. You've got friends and supporters here!

[Miss Rosie]

I was lucky. I was born into a frugal family and have remained frugal lifelong, so my friends are also frugal.

I think the first thing to do is learn to focus on the process. After all, which is more fun, spending or the thing you have when you're done? It's often the process itself that gives us the reward we're after, not the outcome. The outcome can even be negative, like piles of stuff we don't need and maxed-out credit cards.

I don't know if I'm clear, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you can find something about frugality that you are enthusiastic about, you won't tend so much toward jealousy and you might even get your friends enthusiastic, too. At the very least, you'll be able to clarify what it is about those relationships that works or doesn't work.

For example, I like treasure hunting. Not bargain hunting, but treasure hunting, so for me, frugality is one, big treasure hunt. I don't always buy the cheapest thing, but I do end up with things that work very well for us, and that will work well for a long time. The process is the joy; frugality is the result.

I also like rebuilding or re-purposing things. One of my favorite blogs is ikeahacker.blogspot.com. This is another process that has frugality as a result, and can even result in some beautiful, unique things.

My current challenge? Taking pleasure in certain aspects of money management's bigger picture. It's hard for me, because I can never get a result I like and tend to punish myself for it. Anyway, I'm trying to turn the process itself into a game, like treasure hunting.

Frugality isn't about self-denial. It's about ending up with what you really need, and the result is as individual as we are. The real key isn't spending less money. It's channeling your resources as effectively as possible toward your own, true values.

If you're clear one what you want, what you don't want often falls away by itself.

[Rebecca]

I'm not jealous about my friend's spending habits, I'm just sad that she isn't as excited about my new way of living as I am. I don't mind my new found frugality at all -- I just know that it would be very easy for me to spend mucho $$$$ if I put myself in a tempting situation. And I know she's in a bad financial mess, and I wish she'd jump on board with me rather than pushing me to continue to spend.

I think the analogy re: weight loss was right on point...

[triathing]

Originally Posted by Rebecca

I'm not jealous about my friend's spending habits, I'm just sad that she isn't as excited about my new way of living as I am. I don't mind my new found frugality at all -- I just know that it would be very easy for me to spend mucho $$$$ if I put myself in a tempting situation. And I know she's in a bad financial mess, and I wish she'd jump on board with me rather than pushing me to continue to spend.

I think the analogy re: weight loss was right on point...

It shouldn't be that surprising that many people aren't excited about frugality. It seems to me that materialism has replaced a lot of other -isms in our society, to the point of almost becoming its own religion. And people are never excited when you present anything that could threaten their religion.

[Ginger]

Originally Posted by Rebecca

I'm really frustrated right now. Today I got an email from a co-worker (also close friend) with a list of fun things to do for the upcoming weekend - a "champagne tasting" evening for $25, restaurant week (3 courses for $35), etc. At the end of the email she wrote "Remember - you only live once!"

I don't have money for this. And I don't need the temptation.

She knows that. I had announced last week how much I was in debt and that I had cut up my credit cards. She really didn't say much when I told her. She knows I've been looking for a part time job. The thing is, she doesn't have $ to be doing these kind of social outings, either. She just charges everything (like I did). While she doesn't have as high of a student loan payment as I do, she's still in bad finances like I am.

What really irked me, though, was not the email but the comment "Remember - you only live once!". I thought that was kind of rude. Am I overreacting?

And how do you deal with friends who aren't on board with your frugality?

Just say no. You have a goal, stick to it. Let her spend her way into debt for things she cant afford. You on the other hand, have a plan stick to it.