When should you settle for "Mr/Ms Good Enough"

[Will]

The Atlantic published an article recently recommending that women should consider settling for someone who is a "good enough" partner and abandon the fantasy of marrying prince charming:

My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go. Based on my observations, in fact, settling will probably make you happier in the long run, since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year. (It’s hard to maintain that level of zing when the conversation morphs into discussions about who’s changing the diapers or balancing the checkbook.)

This is my favorite part:

What I didn’t realize when I decided, in my 30s, to break up with boyfriends I might otherwise have ended up marrying, is that while settling seems like an enormous act of resignation when you’re looking at it from the vantage point of a single person, once you take the plunge and do it, you’ll probably be relatively content. It sounds obvious now, but I didn’t fully appreciate back then that what makes for a good marriage isn’t necessarily what makes for a good romantic relationship. Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business. And I mean this in a good way.

Is that what marriage is? Just a very solid partnership? At what age should women (and men) abandon their romantic fantasies?

Yes folks, I always make these threads right before Valentine's Day.

[Xin Lu]

LOL...this reminds me of my mom... she always says that she settled for my dad and that she was the most desired girl in her school. She always complains that my dad is ugly and dumb, too. Then sometimes she looks at her friends and sees that she's the only one that has a hubby that stuck by her and that she has an awesome daughter who wouldn't be the same without her hubby. Then she feels lucky. My mom got married when she was 27, and she said a big reason is that her mom got on her knees and begged her to marry my dad so my mom doesn't end up an old maid. So in the case of my parents, there isn't really any passion, and my mom states that clearly all the time. I find it all quite hilarious.

[Kathryn]

I answered "never settle" to the poll, but that was before I read the post. I was thinking about the exact opposite of the author of the Atlantic article: i.e., never settle for someone who you don't respect and who doesn't respect you; never settle for someone who can't hold a job or handle their money; never settle for someone who wouldn't make a great mother or father for your children; never settle for someone who can't handle the trials and tribulations of adulthood like an adult.

I agree that good "chemistry" or romance isn't enough to make a good marriage. But lord knows, juvenile behavior, poor socioemotional development, anger issues, or irresponsibility can flat-out ruin one!

Whoever said "faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love" was not talking about marriage. It should read "honesty, maturity, and respect, but the greatest of these is respect." Don't settle on those!

[Xin Lu]

Originally Posted by Kathryn

Whoever said "faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love" was not talking about marriage. It should read "honesty, maturity, and respect, but the greatest of these is respect." Don't settle on those!

Hey Kathryn, I find it interesting that you quoted "faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love" and wrote the corollary substituting love with the word respect. The original quote is from Corinthians in the Bible, and the Bible also says a man should love his wife and a wife should respect her husband. The reasoning there is that a woman knows how to show love but not how to respect, but a man is less adept at showing love. So I think in a marriage love and respect are both necessary. I know I'm sort of going off a tangent, but I just thought it's interesting you quoted Corinthians.

[Jeremy]

The author of this piece was on NPR earlier today, and there was some interesting discussion. While I don't know if there is an exact age in which you should "settle", the author made some great points about how hollywood has created unrealistic expectations of love and life. Some people get too wrapped up into the images of how a perfect marriage or life should be that it is almost impossible to obtain.

There is far more to the real world than intense drama, incredible passion, romance, and marrying your knight in shining armor. If you want to wait for that, hey that's fine. But there are more important things in relationships than what the boob tube will lead you to believe.

[jdp]

I voted 'never'. Then again I gave up romantic fantasies when I graduated high school. TBS - one should never settle.

[Julie Rains]

Never settle is my advice. However I do know people who have opted for less romantic relationships and have been married and reasonably happy for years. At some point (around 30-35), you might need to re-evaluate what you are looking for. It's true that great romances may not equal great marriages but there should be a romantic spark.

I remember reading somewhere that you should marry someone who you can have a conversation with b/c you will be talking alot over the next 50 years. I agree 100% with that statement.

I have been married for 22 years just in case anyone wanted to know.

[Xin Lu]

I put after 30. One of my friends wrote on her blog that dating is like shopping for clothes on sale, the longer you wait the less good stuff you get. She says after 30 you tend to get the slightly irregular goods. I thought it was a funny metaphor.

[Kathryn]

Originally Posted by Xin Lu

Hey Kathryn, I find it interesting that you quoted "faith, hope, and love, but the greatest of these is love" and wrote the corollary substituting love with the word respect. The original quote is from Corinthians in the Bible, and the Bible also says a man should love his wife and a wife should respect her husband. The reasoning there is that a woman knows how to show love but not how to respect, but a man is less adept at showing love. So I think in a marriage love and respect are both necessary. I know I'm sort of going off a tangent, but I just thought it's interesting you quoted Corinthians.

I'm familiar with the commandment for a man to love his wife and a woman to respect her husband, but I hadn't thought about it or heard it explained in terms of what is harder for each to give. I might have said it was grounded in a more traditional view of what each partner "needs" most.

In my experience, I wouldn't say there's a gender bias in who is able to give love or respect, but it definitely is easier to both find and give love than it is to find and give respect. And I can imagine myself holding out for quite a long time in a marriage where there was respect but no love, but I don't think I would last nearly as long in a marriage where there was love but no respect.

[Megan]

I think one of the keys here is the difference between "settling" and "dropping your unreasonable expectations." Romance isn't like the movies. Sure, I suppose it can be, but it's definitely not the norm. No one is perfect. You are never going to meet someone who you think has zero flaws. (Of course, in the haze of new romance, you will think you've met that person.) The key is learning to look past those flaws.

So you meet a man who is amazing and romantic and he respects you beyond measure and everything seems perfect... and then you find out that he has a habit of balling up his socks and throwing them towards the hamper and never quite making the basket, leaving socks strewn about the corner of the room. Sure, he tries to stop, because he respects you, but sometimes, you come home and there are socks in the corner. But because you love him, you sigh and pick up the socks. And on a bad day, it might frustrate you, but in the end, it's not that big of a deal.

While that might be a small, ridiculous example, what I'm trying to say is that some people hold out for their ideal person, and that person might not exist - but someone with a few flaws might come along who turns out to be even better than the ideal you created in your mind.