Parents supporting kids into their 40s

[Julie Rains]

great topic Philip. I think there are many reasons for parental support (living together may or may not be "support" as it can be sharing as many have noted) and many ways it can manifest itself.

Are trust fund babies-now-grown dependent? or are they enjoying being born into a wealthy family? They've been around forever.

Are student loans at fault? My parents went on the GI Bill (dad) and via generosity of friends (mom); my parents paid for my public college education; but what about the kids with thousands of dollars to pay -- it is definitely harder to support yourself with that kind of bill out there. On the other hand, many kids who I know make more the first year out of college than their college-educated baby boomer parents make after decades of working.

Do we (of all ages) expect too much all the time? Am I surprised to hear of parents bankrolling their grown kids' vacation? Well, maybe, esp. if those kids live in houses worth 2-3 times more than mine.

But the issues that are mentioned in the article -- focusing on elite education and skills (whatever they might be) rather than hard work and basic financial education provide a glimpse into the "problem" not so much of living at home but developing independence. As a parent, I wonder if kids are given enough space to make choices, and make mistakes -- and then really don't know how to set priorities and pursue a specific goal that isn't well-defined or rather pre-defined for them...I have a teen and pre-teen so I'll let you know in a few years.

[trustno1]

Originally Posted by Julie Rains

developing independence. As a parent, I wonder if kids are given enough space to make choices, and make mistakes -- and then really don't know how to set priorities and pursue a specific goal that isn't well-defined or rather pre-defined for them...I have a teen and pre-teen so I'll let you know in a few years.

This was one of my primary goals when I became a parent (a single parent from age 2, and she is now 16). The logic and technique is basically the same I applied in business, when I was in management positions.

Whenever I "assign" a task, I always take the time to explain "why" (the reason)I am requesting it, and how it relates to the "big picture". That illustrates how each task is important on it's own, in successfully achieving the ultimate goal.

Any solicitation for "help" from my daughter is provided in the format of indentifying her "options". I have never given a direct answer to any of her questions. I think this is the biggest mistake parents make...just giving an answer. That teaches them that the way to solve problems is to "ask Dad". My job is to teach her how to resolve her own problems. By "answering" everything by giving her a minimum of two options to consider, she is learning how to think for herself. If she needs to discuss the options further, I continue to help her analyze the options, until she makes a decision (choice). I always follow up later after she makes a choice or generates some of her own.


Hopefully, I won't be doing this with a 40 yr old living in my basement...lol...time will tell...

[Ms. Ferret]

Originally Posted by SilverGlow

5. It is taboo in American culture and NOT the American way to do things. Yes, it is happening here more and more which only proves that the social fabric of the USA is being corrupted and ruined...in a few more years the USA will be just another BS country full of failures.
6. Successful Americans would never respect a grown man or woman still living with mommy and daddy...shameful!!!

So -- kids should move out of the house at 18, maintain a separate household regardless of their ability to do so (that's what credit cards are for), and eventually pay out even more money for mom and dad to live in a nursing home instead of (horror) moving in to support them? Sounds like a great way to waste loads and loads of money. That's okay, though, since the economy's booming and we're all rich. Oh wait -- no we aren't.

As others have pointed out, your American way is not everyone's American way (and until a half-century or so ago, it probably wasn't anyone's American way). Some people choose this living arrangement because they genuinely like to stay close to their parents/grandparents/aunts/cousins/grandchildren/etc., not because they're strapped for cash and/or just want to spend all their time playing XBOX in the basement.

[Philip Brewer]

Today's New York Times has some further information on this, with details of a study that finds huge numbers of young people (35 and younger) having to move back home because of the tough economy:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/24/us/24boomerang.html

In the Pew study, 13 percent of parents with grown children said one of their adult sons or daughters had moved back home in the past year. According to Pew, of all grown children who lived with their parents, 2 in 10 were full-time students, one-quarter were unemployed and about one-third said they had lived on their own before returning home.

It also listed other things people have done, such as getting a roommate, postponing getting married, and postponing having a child, all because of the economy.

[The Wise Buck]

I have to say that in general it may seem odd for a 40 year old to move back with their parents however, I think it would be even odder for a family member to not be supportive of someone who has fallen on hard times (lost a job, divorce, business folder, etc)

One of my good friends lost his job and depleted most of his savings within 7 months trying to find a new job. He did get the new job but now he is really having to play catch up to get his savings up to where they were.

[purplefdu]

Oh boy, this is one of my favorite topics, since my sister-in-law details the bad side so well.

The facts:
single mother of three kids ages 13, 8, and 3
divorced, one baby daddy separated from
CPA degree/license not using it (doesn't want $20/hr job wiping old people's butts)
took out grants/loans to go to school for business when Walmart said she wasn't qualified to work in cash office but has done it for 6yrs
fired from last 3 jobs, including store manager for video rental store
lost last 4 apartments due to unpaid rent
on food stamps, WIC and other assistance programs
works at mall store for $8/hr if she's lucky
moved into mom's boyfriend's house. oldest two kids share bunkbeds in basement, baby shares room with her. three bedroom house
she uses their car, which they pay to gas and maintain
the cook meals, buy food, and usually clean home

The reality:
she used her grant money/loans to buy a new laptop ($800) and winter coats for her kids since its supposed to be used "for anything to help keep her in school"
she spends all her time on facebook
she defriended me when mom had gallbladder surgery and we told her to pick up the slack while she recovered in ICU
mom's boyfriend locks himself in his bedroom when the kids get loud-which is every night
house is covered with toys and clothes instead of being neat as a pin
the desktop computer had to be wiped clean and still has viruses after a clean install from the kids installing crap
kids don't want to make friends since they will just move again

So yeah, its easy to let your 32yr old move back in to "get back on her feet" but being the third time in five years is pretty much highlighting why its not working. She "can't afford" to pay her way so mom does it, then can't figure out why she hasn't learned. And the kicker is always the kids. Everyone seems to want to protect them from having a harsh life, but its having a harsh life that taught most of us how to be better people. Right now they are spoiled and have almost no manners. The kids staying down at the homeless shelter are so polite it breaks your heart.

Now my husband and I both lived with our parents for a year or so. Me after college, him after moving to NY and staying with his sister while she was married and losing his job in a downsizing. We moved out and got married and haven't needed to move back other than the two days we didn't actually have a place between leases. But my parents aren't in a place that they can keep us, and his mom has always given all her help to his sister so we didn't have a choice but to find a way to make it.

I don't think its un-American to live back at home. My uncle did it when he retired from the Army after 20yrs. He took care of my grandparents and their house is plenty big enough. And the savings and ability to share resources is amazing. So long as you can stand each other.

[trustno1]

Whoa purple,, talk about the "inmates running the asylum"...!
I am sorry to hear stories like that one, but unfortunately, it is a common one.
Those stories always make me think of people that go out a buy a new puppy. They think the barking, jumping up, getting on furniture, chewing things up and other typical behaviors of puppies is so "cute". Cute until the puppy is about 3-4 months old, when the "newness" wears off, the cuteness becomes nuisance, novelty becomes annoyance... and attentiveness to the dog becomes avoidance. Before long the barking complaints from the neighbors force the owner to face the issue. In their minds...the "problem" is that they "got a bad dog"...(one that barks and is obnoxious). Their "solution"...get rid of the bad dog and ...yes, you guessed it...go out a buy a "good one".

Now, having trained dogs, my advice is always the same to a person considering a new puppy. You have a choice. You can spend the first six weeks training it properly and have a lifelong pal for the next 10-12 years. Or you can expect it to train itself, and spend those same years living with a nightmare. It is up to you...NOT the dog.

I believe you children, for the most part...are the product of the "base" that they receive from their parents. It is a huge responsibility to be a parent. It is an even greater task, to endeavor to be a good parent. It is one set by endless patience, guidance, tenacity, love and dedication. If your kids are "failing", you start over with the basics, just like with puppies. Just because they get older, does not mean they are "smarter"...they sometimes are just "taller"...lol

Ignore them and everyone loses. Those younger kids are watching the role models that will determine their future...(your sister-n-law).

It is never too late to teach "basics" to those who lack them.

[Cidre Jones]

Originally Posted by SilverGlow

Actually, you are one of those that puts words in other people's mouths when you can't come up with a proper response ;-)

Actually, I had great parents. They loved me (tough love), nurtured me, taught me to be wise, to embrace education, and STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET in adulthood. They taught me to never be a burden to society, to friends, nor to family. I had the best parents anyone can hope for, and to this day I love them dearly and they me (I'm 49).

I feel sorry for you....that you are co-dependent, and can't manage without mommy and daddy, and it is evident you have an acute sense of entitlement, and lack boudries between you and mommy and daddy....hopefully one day you'l cut the "ambilical cord" and grow up....you see, it's the American way ;-)

I hope I don't get banned for saying this, but you're a fucking idiot.

Your culture =/= everyone's culture. Thanks for the assumption, but since you have a habit of making those all over the place, it's par for the course.

My family has taught me that we take care of each other, that we love each other, and that yes, we depend on each other. You see it as a weakness. I see it as a strength. I know that if I need *anything* (food, a place to stay, cash, etc.) I can ask without feeling guilt or shame (if I even NEED to ask, lol. They usually figure it out.)

Big families together are awesome (even when people get fight-y and loud), and I'm sorry you don't get to experience that. It *does* save a lot of money too. For this supposedly being a frugal board, I'm surprised at how much of the old school mentality we have going on here. I do think it's a pride thing, but IDK.

FWIW, I worked two jobs to get myself through college. I worked in high school. I worked before high school under the table. I support myself. I just love my families, both the blood one and the ones I have by choice. We generally enjoy each other's company and opt to stay close, even when people do move out (there's always something odd about relatives moving across the country.)

[SilverGlow]

Originally Posted by Cidre Jones

I hope I don't get banned for saying this, but you're a fucking idiot.

Your culture =/= everyone's culture. Thanks for the assumption, but since you have a habit of making those all over the place, it's par for the course.

My family has taught me that we take care of each other, that we love each other, and that yes, we depend on each other. You see it as a weakness. I see it as a strength. I know that if I need *anything* (food, a place to stay, cash, etc.) I can ask without feeling guilt or shame (if I even NEED to ask, lol. They usually figure it out.)

Big families together are awesome (even when people get fight-y and loud), and I'm sorry you don't get to experience that. It *does* save a lot of money too. For this supposedly being a frugal board, I'm surprised at how much of the old school mentality we have going on here. I do think it's a pride thing, but IDK.

FWIW, I worked two jobs to get myself through college. I worked in high school. I worked before high school under the table. I support myself. I just love my families, both the blood one and the ones I have by choice. We generally enjoy each other's company and opt to stay close, even when people do move out (there's always something odd about relatives moving across the country.)

Hey you're the one codependent upon mommy and daddy, not me, so who is the "fucking idiot"? You are! Your words, not mine, and no I am not insulted by your explatives (bad words) because I consider the source.

You mistake the word "love" with the word "need". You must be a bleeding heart democrat socialist, and it shows.

Stand on your own two feet and stop depending upon mommy and daddy.

Again, stop mistaking the word "love" with "need". I know your type...you're the relative with their hand out every other month, and if it's not one thing its the other...always something...and you said it yourself, you "depend" upon your family...DEPEND...do you know what that says about you? As an adult you should depend upon yourself.

[The Wise Buck]

Last 2 posts both had good points but once anyone gets personal and the insults start flying, sour grapes prevail. Let's remember that everyone usually does what works for their situation and if that is a 180 from the person next to you, then why bother arguing who is better or right. Look I've been there and let my ego get the better of me; but just drop it, please as this is a pretty drama free board, given other Internet Chat Rooms, isn't it?

Certainly no reason to drop F bombs especially when your points "are good on their own" We're all just here sharing our ideas and opinions.