Personal finance privacy - when relatives pry too much

soupkitchen96 · 12-22-2007, 08:27 AM

I hate family christmas gatherings. There's always a distant cousin or a "uncle" I've never liked bugging me about how my career is going and how much money I'm making.

Inevitably, they also know someone "just like me" who is now making twice as much money as I am. Other than "why aren't you dating anyone," I think "why don't you make more oney" is my most hated holiday party question.

What is a polite way to deal with this kind of situation? I've tried saying I rather not talk about it, but for some reason relatives just don't respect that as much as strangers. And unlike regular parties, I'm stuck at the family gathering for the whole weekend. There's NO ESCAPE

Webministrator · 12-22-2007, 09:48 PM

I know exactly how you feel. I have the same type of relatives, only they're not so distant.
They're actually my parents and siblings. lol My aunts and uncles don't start conversations about it but they sometimes chime in.
I usually just say "I make enough money to pay the bills, buy groceries and go out with my friends. I'm comfortable and get by."
They're usually satisfied with that.

Julie Rains · 12-23-2007, 03:59 AM

It's rare that the topic of money and wealth are discussed in any detail at my family gatherings -- though the latest academic accomplishments and now that you mention it, life financial plans can be tedious, especially coming from the same people on one part of the family. Bragging is seen as distasteful (thankfully) from most of my family though I do like to keep up with what the older kids are doing and learn from their successes and mistakes with my kids.

katlady · 12-23-2007, 06:43 AM

That's not fair Julie. It sounds like you have an almost functional family.

My dad knows my situation pretty well as evidenced by the fact that he knows just when to send me the bailout check to finance my life. As for the rest of the family I don't really keep in touch that much.

There's no need to keep in touch with every relative. Just because some sick twist of fate put you in the same gene poll doesn't entitle someone to pry.

imagine girl · 12-23-2007, 05:32 PM

Quote:

Bragging is seen as distasteful

I wish we were related.

My dad is a successful attorney. My grandfather started a rather successful law firm. Imagine how thrilled my entire family was when I passed the bar! But now I'm stuck at a dead end legal job without hopes of advancement. While I'm technically a "lawyer", I'm basically a glorified paralegal.

That doesn't stop my dad from telling everyone that I'm "following in the family tradition." Every time he introduces me as an attorney I die a little inside. I can't tell him to stop because I know it isn't malicious. He really is genuinely proud of me. I guess I just wish I had done more with my life to live up to the family name.

Julie Rains · 12-24-2007, 05:25 AM

Well, none of my sisters and cousins are in their 20s anymore (or 30s if you must know) so the where-is-your-career going talk isn't as relevant as other topics. My parents and my husband's parents were kids during the Depression so comparisons of wealth are not prime topics. There are also different kinds of success not so related to careers as well as oranges-to-apples comparisions (educators vs. MBAs vs. healthcare professionals) with advantages and disadvantages (stability vs. higher pay but with less security) that vary over time.

And not that it matters, but just because you haven't "made it" at 28 doesn't mean you won't be wildly successful (by whatever definition you choose) at 40.

davoscat · 12-29-2007, 05:21 PM

I know how you feel Soupkitchen. No matter how far you go in life, your parents can always find a better example of someone else doing better.

Quote:

but just because you haven't "made it" at 28 doesn't mean you won't be wildly successful (by whatever definition you choose) at 40.

That makes me feel a lot better Julie. Some of my friends have told me the same thing. But sometimes you just have to hear it from an objective stranger to have it really sink in. I appreciate that.

MrsMicah · 12-31-2007, 03:41 AM

It's scary, my mom called all my relatives and told them about my blog. So now they know our exact financial situation. On the plus side, there isn't too much bragging in our family...not about money, at least. More about accomplishment. I hope that at 22, I'm still "ok" for not having done anything spectacular.

eatmyace007 · 12-31-2007, 10:42 AM

i actually have no problem talking about anything money related with family, if they ask. i will never broach the topic. but maybe it is the younger generation, we use a more "group think" mentality to life (home purchases, etc). i think my friends that are secretive are strange, but then it just happens to be the ones that are in the worst shape.

can you draw a parallel here?

Julie Rains · 12-31-2007, 01:40 PM

I think there may be generational as well as geographical, cultural and family differences but there is a difference in talking about a topic and feeling that you have to defend your choices and/or lack of not having a six-figure salary, Lexus, Phi Beta Kappa --- whatever it is that someone else thinks you should have.

I know people who brag may think that I just feel uncomfortable about a topic, but there are many times I just don't want to be part of the bragging. If I sense that someone is set in their perspective and not interested in dialogue, I just drop the subject. Otherwise, I love learning about what people are doing in their careers, volunteer activities, leisure, investments, etc.

12-22-2007, 08:27 AM	#1
soupkitchen96 Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 50 Reputation: (11)	Personal finance privacy - when relatives pry too much I hate family christmas gatherings. There's always a distant cousin or a "uncle" I've never liked bugging me about how my career is going and how much money I'm making. Inevitably, they also know someone "just like me" who is now making twice as much money as I am. Other than "why aren't you dating anyone," I think "why don't you make more oney" is my most hated holiday party question. What is a polite way to deal with this kind of situation? I've tried saying I rather not talk about it, but for some reason relatives just don't respect that as much as strangers. And unlike regular parties, I'm stuck at the family gathering for the whole weekend. There's NO ESCAPE

12-31-2007, 03:41 AM	#8
MrsMicah Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 5 Reputation: (10)	It's scary, my mom called all my relatives and told them about my blog. So now they know our exact financial situation. On the plus side, there isn't too much bragging in our family...not about money, at least. More about accomplishment. I hope that at 22, I'm still "ok" for not having done anything spectacular. __________________ Mrs. Micah: Finance for a Freelance Life

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12-22-2007, 09:48 PM	#2
Webministrator Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 19 Reputation: (10)	I know exactly how you feel. I have the same type of relatives, only they're not so distant. They're actually my parents and siblings. lol My aunts and uncles don't start conversations about it but they sometimes chime in. I usually just say "I make enough money to pay the bills, buy groceries and go out with my friends. I'm comfortable and get by." They're usually satisfied with that.

12-23-2007, 03:59 AM	#3
Julie Rains Wise Bread Blogger Join Date: May 2007 Location: North Carolina Posts: 208 Reputation: (51)	It's rare that the topic of money and wealth are discussed in any detail at my family gatherings -- though the latest academic accomplishments and now that you mention it, life financial plans can be tedious, especially coming from the same people on one part of the family. Bragging is seen as distasteful (thankfully) from most of my family though I do like to keep up with what the older kids are doing and learn from their successes and mistakes with my kids.

12-23-2007, 06:43 AM	#4
katlady Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 30 Reputation: (11)	That's not fair Julie. It sounds like you have an almost functional family. My dad knows my situation pretty well as evidenced by the fact that he knows just when to send me the bailout check to finance my life. As for the rest of the family I don't really keep in touch that much. There's no need to keep in touch with every relative. Just because some sick twist of fate put you in the same gene poll doesn't entitle someone to pry.

12-24-2007, 05:25 AM	#6
Julie Rains Wise Bread Blogger Join Date: May 2007 Location: North Carolina Posts: 208 Reputation: (51)	Well, none of my sisters and cousins are in their 20s anymore (or 30s if you must know) so the where-is-your-career going talk isn't as relevant as other topics. My parents and my husband's parents were kids during the Depression so comparisons of wealth are not prime topics. There are also different kinds of success not so related to careers as well as oranges-to-apples comparisions (educators vs. MBAs vs. healthcare professionals) with advantages and disadvantages (stability vs. higher pay but with less security) that vary over time. And not that it matters, but just because you haven't "made it" at 28 doesn't mean you won't be wildly successful (by whatever definition you choose) at 40.

12-31-2007, 10:42 AM	#9
eatmyace007 Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 4 Reputation: (20)	i actually have no problem talking about anything money related with family, if they ask. i will never broach the topic. but maybe it is the younger generation, we use a more "group think" mentality to life (home purchases, etc). i think my friends that are secretive are strange, but then it just happens to be the ones that are in the worst shape. can you draw a parallel here?

12-31-2007, 01:40 PM	#10
Julie Rains Wise Bread Blogger Join Date: May 2007 Location: North Carolina Posts: 208 Reputation: (51)	I think there may be generational as well as geographical, cultural and family differences but there is a difference in talking about a topic and feeling that you have to defend your choices and/or lack of not having a six-figure salary, Lexus, Phi Beta Kappa --- whatever it is that someone else thinks you should have. I know people who brag may think that I just feel uncomfortable about a topic, but there are many times I just don't want to be part of the bragging. If I sense that someone is set in their perspective and not interested in dialogue, I just drop the subject. Otherwise, I love learning about what people are doing in their careers, volunteer activities, leisure, investments, etc.