Should I stop paying?

[singleguymoney]

Hey guys - I have a question that I need your opinion on. I am currently assisting a family member financially by paying their cell phone bill and car insurance. The family member does not make a lot of money and to help out, I have been paying the cell bills and car insurance for a couple of years to help them save money.

This person is really bad with money and I suspect there is a gambling problem. I just found out they blew $900 (about 90% of their monthly income) at the casino. The person does not know that I know about this. Should I bring it up? Should I stop helping with the bills since they are not taking advantage of the opportunity to save money?

Your thoughts?

[paymydebt]

I think you should discuss with them first before you stop paying. Maybe ask if they have been able to save any money and would they be able to manage on their own if you stopped paying. See what the response is and take it from there.

[Greg Summers]

I think you already know the answer if you are asking this question. What you have been doing has enabled this person to continue making poor decisions.

If you really care about them, offer to help them learn how to manage their money better. Sit down and go through their bills, set up a budget, etc...

It's time to make some tough choices... often tough love is the best kind.

[SouthShoreGirl]

I don't think you should do it any longer. They can always get a pre-paid cell phone. Is public transit an option in lieu of car insurance as well?

I watched that new show "Bank of Mom & Dad" for the first time the other night and one of the things the mother came up with is that she would no longer pay for her daughter's cell phone until the daughter got it together with budgeting and living within her means. The daughter did well enough that she was able to take over this bill completely.

There are also support groups for people with gambling addictions so that should be part of the deal if you decide to continue to pay for anything.

[Socal104]

I think everyone has a family member that looks for a helping hand, but really it should be when bad things happen not continuous support. I've had this exact problem with some family members, but not that bad. In my experience, the problem is that the more you help, the more they will ask for more money. You have created a dependent relationship where they are not going to get out of it themselves.

You should definitely have a discussion and you need to be careful. Don't assume that the gambling is true, ask them if it is. Let them know that its not acceptable to be paying their bills and have them gambling. Its going to be a tough conversation and one that might not go well, but its better than cutting them off cold turkey or having them come to you and tell you then need $10,000.

In terms of what you are paying, the auto insurance is legitimate assuming that they use it for a car to go to work. The cell phone is a luxury and I wouldn't pay it or I'd get a pre-paid one and contribute $10 a month towards it. If they need it for emergencies fine, but texting their friends is not something you should pay for. Lastly, I would give them a definitive timeline on the insurance --- 3 months, after which you won't pay it anymore.

The last issue that its tough to breach and is very difficult to bring up is the income issue. $1,000 a month? That's minimum wage. Unless this person is very young, they should be able to earn more money than that. They need to do a little bit of searching on why they can't make more money. It may take a second job but there's lots of people that do it. I'd rather have you paying for them to go to a local community college to get better qualified for a higher paying job than paying a cell phone bill. Your helping for the last few years has allowed the family member not to change their bad habits.

A little tough love, approached the right way is likely your best bet. I person I know and respect once boiled down everything to me by saying that people could be separated into two camps: givers and takers. You are by nature a giver, your family member is a taker. As long as you are willing to keep giving, they will gladly keep taking and never feel the worse for it.

SoCal
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[rewindboy1]

In this day and age, I think you need to take care of yourself, before you take care of someone else.

[Cidre Jones]

Sounds like your loved one has a gambling addiction.

Look into counseling before you pull the funding. Tough-love isn't going to put them on the straight-and-narrow, here. It's just going to cause them to bottom-out. This isn't a case of someone being a jackass with their cash. This sounds like an addict.

As someone who has dealt with a loved one going through addiction before, it's not an easy path. You're probably going to need someone to talk you through this. Good luck.

[kenyantykoon]

i think that you should sit him down and try to talk to him into helping him get into a better financial situation. if this fails, let him burn from this money vice for some time. i think this will make him more involved in his money management if he suffers a bad consequence of misusing money. the second part may be really hard since he is family but in the grand scheme of things, it will be for his own good

[SilverGlow]

Stop the gravy train today.

Your continued support of this family member is enabling him to stay on the wrong course....you created a monster, and your "help" is not help at all.

If you really love and care about this person, you'll stop the financial help today.

Continuaing is stabbing him in the back...

[trustno1]

Ok, just to clarify things for me, in your scenario...let's pretend...

You are the "government" and your relative is "a failing bank", whom you have been "bailing out". But the relative is suspected of using your rescue or "bailout" money for something other than the purpose it was intended for? But you are not sure, because you did not make him account for any of the financial support surrounding the "bail-out" money you provided? Now, the problem is the same as it was at the beginning...he needs more money?

Does that sound about right? hmmmm...

IMO, you have two immediate choices. 1) Ask your relative to start calling you "DAD" and You can keep "giving" him/her money, which they obviously do not feel obligated to repay.
2) You can explain the concept of responsibility associated with being an adult. Define "help" versus "adopt" and other concepts that kids learn in elementary school. Then explain that receiving financial "help" carries the responsibility of at least making an effort to "repay" the generosity extended in any manner possible. (mowing your grass, washing dishes, anything that exhibits some type of appreciation for the assistance). It is not the monetary concept, it is the display of effort to resolve the issue and take responsibility back where it belongs...on HIS/Her shoulders.

Regardless of the relative issue, it is a business deal. It should have a clear definition of "terms" and a "beginning" and at a minimum, some type of "end" in site. After two years, it is obviously viewed as a "gift" which will continue.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/813959/the_right_way_to_loan_your_relatives.html

If there is an addiction propensity or suspicion...try this...
http://psychcentral.com/resources/Addiction_and_Substance_Abuse/Gambling/

http://www.psychforums.com/forum.html

Defining a "fuzzy" agreement is never a good plan. Money always requires detailed terms.

Good Luck,

FDIC...lol