Good one, Julie. And what a great title, too. You must have spent some serious time on this one.

this is my mere observations of my parents' marriage, which is approaching 40 years.

hold hands. listen. don't lay blame - just talk things out. talk about your day with your spouse. make time for each other every day. kiss each other goodnight, good bye (before leaving the house), hello, etc. tell your spouse you love them. SHOW them you love them. leave notes in lunches/briefcases/wallets/purses.

most importantly, respect your partner.

there are plenty of others, but these few tips have been helpful in my own relationship.

I sort of agree with you. To an extent. Saying things in anger doesn't help, but staying mad doesn't help either.

My biggest advice: communicate, communicate, communicate.

My second piece of advice: make sure you each take time for yourself. If it's reading a book, or pursuing a hobby, keep yourself interesting to your spouse, by enjoying something you love.

Hugs,
Melinda

..I agree and will celebrate our tenth anniversary this year. A sense of humour is important in our marriage.

If my wife didn't laugh, she'd surely cry...:)

I would use "Avoid going to bed mad whenever possible" rather than "Never go to bed mad" because there will be times you will end up going to bed mad and you may need that distance or time to get your own feeling under control, but most of the time you need to talk it out and it's better you get past the issue before going to bed.

Some advice I found useful in our marriage included my wife not data dumping on me the minute I came home from work with all the things we "had" to do that night, that weekend, for dinner, for the kids, for the inlaws, etc.. It was like turning a corner and getting pelted with a twenty minute barrage of snowballs. Instead we talk about things later at dinner or after I've been home a bit (of course there are times when you have to do things immediately, but those should be the exception, not the rule).

Additionally, I finally learned the difference between her wanting me to give actual advice versus her method of venting. Now I know that when she complains about someone or something, and I recommend a course of action, and she doesn't even try to take it, that she's just venting. This way I'm not getting upset because she's blowing off my advice as worthless, rather I can just listen as she vents some more and provide responses in that vein, rather than trying to help her solve what I perceived as a problem she was bringing me.

Thank you thank you thank you for the advice- it's in line with everything I've been reading and praying about in my marriage preparation. Good to know it works! :)
One thing I've come across that I have really taken to heart and already put into practice is that I need to always respect him (even when he doesn't deserve it). It sorta flows with a lot of the advice here, I never realized how much respect means to men before this whole journey into marriage thing.
I think also we both agree that we shouldn't let the sun set on our anger, going to bed mad (even now before we're married and not living together or sharing a bed) only creates bitterness. It tores us apart before and took a long time to get our hearts straight afterwards...fortunately it made us realize that we didn't want to be apart and now we'll start our happily ever after (with some not so happily parts in there, because I know it won't all be sunshine and roses) :P
Thanks again for writing this- and congrats on 24 years.

I think that one of the biggest obstacles that I have seen with couples around me is that they don't fight fair. I have even heard some stories that resulted in physical situations. It is a difficult part of any relationship, but fighting is necessary and can lead to changes for the better.

Before I was married, I was given a refrigerator copy of rules for disagreements. It included things like don't call each other names, don't bring up previous arguments and to use "I" statements, not "you" statements. While my husband and I do not argue much, when we do disagree we can find resolutions without hurt feelings and hurtful words that cannot be taken back.

Yes, cheap dates are mentioned but that is not enough of a tie to financial content. I enjoy Wisebread but I don't come here for marriage advice.

Here's one:

Present yourselves to the world as a team. Cover for each-other in public, instead of calling each-other on your blunders. Don't ever humiliate or bad-mouth your spouse in public.

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Congratulations, Julie!

My husband and I just had our 19th wedding anniversary two days ago and I think the "don't go to bed angry" advice doesn't work for everyone. (What does?!)
I think the definition of "angry" is where this one breaks down. Totally subjective.

I had to laugh when you mention the advice vs, venting issue. When we were first married I remember coming home and complaining about work (very light venting) and after *maybe* 2 minutes my husband looked at me and said "Well then quit".
Now, 19 years later, whenever he complains about something I say "Well then quit" and it just cracks him up :)

24 years. It's gone by rather quickly. The tangible evidence of a 21 year old college student in the house kind of throws it in our faces. We've already done some of the "in sickness an health" and "richer or poorer" stuff and found teamwork in solving problems, not whacking at each other, works the best. We both have totally different perspectives, don't always come to concensus, but realize that's good. I am the tightwad, my husband the spendthrift. I taught him how to save for big things. He showed me how to have fun now. He handles the tax returns, I do the books. Every November we talk out our financial goals for the coming year and put them into the budget. This year we eliminated our personal "allowance" and stuck it into a family fun fund. If something doesn't work (some gripes have come from the kids on this one), we'll evaluate and retool. That's one place where finances and marriage mix. What do other people do?

Dear Kym and Tbag,

Having a harmonious relationship has a *ton* to do with money.
And not only at the extreme: avoiding costly divorce. Working together as a team greatly enhances a couple's ability to save money and work together for long-term goals.

One trivial example: being able to work out an amicable schedule for cooking and cleaning reduces the extent to which a couple will rely on take-out and cleaning help. Another example: can you work creatively to share paid employment and childcare, or will you solve the problem by throwing money at it, hiring a full-time nanny for instance when you might have found less costly solutions by cooperating?

In general, cooperation is thrifty and conflict is expensive.

Magnificent post. Of course, anyone can nit-pick with one or two of the items, but it's hard to argue with the track record of success you have demonstrated. This short post rivals many whole books I have seen on this topic. Be encouraged and remember that what other people think of you is none of your business. Keep up the great work!!!
God bless,
Jerry

@Kym, roommates can help with some of this. They make it so the house isn't always empty when you get home and someone else is there to do some of the chores. Of course, they contribute to the mess, too, and want to use the kitchen and washer the same time as you do. I still prefer roommates to single living (probably because I've never had a roommate from hell).

Pets can also help with the happiness, though they rarely help with the chores (maybe if something yummy lands on the floor). Or, if you're willing to live in a cheap enough place (or otherwise cut costs elsewhere), you might be able to afford to pay someone to do your least favorite chores. Or trade with a friend (they mop your floors while you're cooking them a big casserole).

I also recommend making appointments with your friends. Sick, eh? But it's nice to know that, unless something comes up, I'm walking with one friend on Tuesdays and Fridays and having dinner with another every Wednesday. There's also a certain person I always call when I go to a movie or want to do Sunday brunch. I know another person who throws a party the third Saturday of (almost) every month.

There are also a lot of social clubs available these days. I belong to a group of social ballroom dancers and I have been known to play pick-up ultimate frisbee. This sort of group can provide you with something (free or affordable) to look forward to on a regular basis as well.

**

My favorite long-term relationship strategy is to assume they have some good reason for whatever they just did, even if you can't fathom what it might be. There's often some ignorance involved that may need to be rectified. Like they don't know that they're still not in the habit of checking pockets before throwing things in the laundry. But it's almost never that they realized it might bother you, and so they did it evilly and gleefully.

I agree. I would say respect is the absolute most important thing for a couple to have for each other.

I can appreciate the viewpoints that you describe in your post...

...however, in my opinion....

(1) Your views have a tremendous female slant. For men, there would be a very different list (and I'm tempted to write one).

(2) Many of the items in your list sound like you haven't had to deal with any serious struggles. Example: it's easy to "laugh laugh laugh" when your husband hasn't been laid off and you don't have debt stacking up. This makes you sound like a princess.

I have more (and stronger) feelings along these lines, but I'll leave it a that.

(note: I've been married to my wife for 13 years)

My wife and I got married at 18 and are still married 22 years later. It hasn't always been easy but we've always seen each other through the hard times.

A few of the comments mentioned respect and I personally think this one word sums up all the rest. And it works in many aspects of life, not just marriage.

If I had to add a second one, I'd have to say "don't take your spouse for granted, ever". That's a road, you don't want to travel. Don't assume the she (he) will always be there because that's when you start saying and doing things that will hurt.

When we were younger, we would even plan our divorce. Why? We figured that when (not if) it would happen, we might be more civil about it that what we had seen other couples do. But, it definitely has an added advantage, it puts things into perspective. It reminds you why you're with her (him) and why it's worth continuing.

My personal feeling, is that if you can't calmly plan how it will end, one or both of you might not be invested enough in the success of the relationship. It's not about finding ways to argue but about finding solutions; and to a set of problems that can be very emotional.

Think of it as a partnership but with a stronger emotional bond.

Cheers and thanks for a great post!