How to Get Fired
In honor of the recent end of my employment, I thought I'd find some good tips on how to... well, to end your employment! Here are some of my favorites from around the interwebs:
Arrive late for work. Being on time is for wimps. Drag yourself out of bed whenever you feel like it. Stop to run an errand on your way to the office.
Don't forget the coffee. No not for your boss -- for yourself! You're already late so why not stop for a cup of coffee on the way to work?
Don't forget to get a muffin or a roll too (crumbs on your tie look really good).
Eat at your desk. I mean your coffee and roll, not your lunch silly. Why would you want to work through lunch anyway? And take your time — you're in no hurry to start working.
Take a long lunch. An hour for lunch? Are they nuts? That can't possibly be enough time to get together with an old friend and run a few more errands.
Have a drink. What's lunch without a couple of beers? It'll relax you. So what if you smell like a brewery?
Make personal phone calls. If you can't make your phone calls from the office, when else will you find the time? Don't make those calls short and sweet -- chat away.
Whenever a co-worker asks if you want coffee, say, "No thanks, it doesn't mix well with thorazine."
Bring several large mason jars to work and fill them part way with water and yellow food coloring; display them conspicuously around your work space. Tell anyone who asks about them that you are just taking part in an efficiency study that your boss came up with to cut down on the time employees spend away from their desks.
Tell your boss that you intend to spread out your vacation time by taking off one minute out of every 25. Spend all your time 'planning' your vacations.
Secretly replace the coffee your boss usually drinks with new Folger's Crystals.
Keep a tally of what your boss wears on 'casual' Friday. when you see a pattern develop, distribute the tally to co-workers and start a weekly pool.
Dress like a pirate for the office halloween party. Dress like a pirate every other day of the year as well.
Set everyone's desk and PC clock ahead one hour and go home early.
Some more good firing stories to be found here.
Forbes actually has some really helpful information on how to negotiate a decent severance package here. It's actually aimed at women, because much like negotiating a good salary, women aren't always that good at negotiating their golden parachute.
The best way to get fired like a man is to get hired like one. That means knowing the market value of the position so that you can position yourself from the start. Packing your parachute entails negotiating the best severance package possible. This should happen as salary and benefits are negotiated too, ideally before you even take the job.
(Picture by mozzercork)
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