You make some very good points. The examples you depict are great, with some well thought out solutions. It really does boil down to "your lifestyle" and your immediate family's. Though you do have to deal with the social aspects of it as you mentioned.

"Like the guy who gave up driving, though, understand that living your life in accordance with your values isn't just going to seem like a steady stream of criticism of the way other people live their lives--in a very real sense it actually is a steady stream of criticism, even if you have no such intention."

Gee, i couldn't disagree more. The way you live your life reflects the choices you make; it's not a condemnation or endorsement of anyone else. To project that it's a criticism of anyone else's lifestyle is really a stretch. If others choose to perceive it that way, that's their problem.

As one who has not been historically frugal, I can attest to this annoyance. I have had the opportunity to observe my more thrifty friends in action, and while the situations you depict are sometimes per se annoying, they are often only noticeable when accompanied by something very small that will really get you talked about. This is so fixable! Rounding your part of a split check up to the nearest dollar from time to time goes a long way toward remedying your status as the group "miser." Offering to handle all the planning or labor for a family event in exchange for a smaller financial stake can also be an easy fix. Now that I'm cutting back, I make myself scarce for lunch time, and I don't answer calls after 9 or so that I know are just my friends wanting me to go out. It's not always easy, but it's possible not to be an jerk about your frugality.

Thank you, Philip for this great post!

Perceived criticism tends to happen when somebody you know does something outside of the friendship or group norm. Even if the changing person doesn't preach about their new ways, those "left behind" can feel that there is a certain degree of judgment being passed over them. Some particularly prevalent examples I've seen are:

• Reformed Smokers. Quit smoking, and suddenly the taste and smell of tobacco doesn't seem so nice, and your wallet doesn't seem so perpetually empty. Your smoking friends, though may feel like they're being made out to be lesser people for not quitting themselves. This may be an entirely self-imposed feeling of guilt or shame, and have very little to do with the reformed smoker's actions or words.
• Born Again Parents. Having children changes your life; no doubt about that. But when parents (usually new ones) talk about how life without children has no meaning or direction, people without kids aren't left feeling like they add much value if a childless life is meaningless anyway. This is usually unintentional on the part of the new parents, but can create sometimes unpassable rifts in the friendship.

As for freeloading, I agree with your points, Philip. Accepting an offer of generosity is not always freeloading; especially if you would do the same for them if the roles were reversed, and if the offer is voluntary - not invited or expected.

But there comes a point when relying on the generosity of others too much (even if the offers are genuine) can cross a line and go too far into the freeloading category. Where the line is, is dependent on the type of friendship and individuals involved.

What irks me the most is when friends are cheap when it comes to hanging with a group but splurge on themselves. One of my girlfriends closest friends is notorious for this. She has Apple everything, an expensive SLR, and a pretty new car(that her parents pay for). But she ALWAYS asks for rides, complains about not having enough money, and constantly asks how much everything costs. It sometimes brings the whole group down. I can understand if you are overall frugal but i can't stand when people are cheap around friends and spend tons of money of themselves.

I've got a friend who is very frugal and that doesn't bother me too much. But when she sees an opportunity to save money --even if it's by having me pay more --she takes it. So since she is always looking for an advantage, I now make sure that in every interaction she's not taking advantage of me. In other words, she has hurt a good friendship and it's not the same.

Case in point: she wanted to go to the mountains for the day and I ended up driving. I didn't ask for gas money and I never do. On the way back, she said I should pay $3 more for dinner because hers was less. So I said, "that's fine, tell you what, you just put in $7 more and we'll call it even over the $10 in gas money you owe me." We settled on splitting the bill equally and I didn't ask for gas money.

I'd say the only time getting in a car that's already going somewhere isn't (potentially) freeloading is ... well, basically never, honestly. Chances are good someone drove at least a block out of their way, or changed their schedule, or had to move the child's carseat out of the back seat, or vacuum away the dog hair, or will have to stop for an extra pit stop on your behalf. Not a big deal, necessarily, but not free.

Easy to solve ... if someone gives you a ride and stops for a fill-up, offer to pay for it. Otherwise, provide or offer occasional gifts to anyone who drives you regularly ("I just brought over some jam I thought you might really enjoy." "Let me know if you'd like me babysit some evening/afternoon so you could get out and enjoy some time to yourself (or run some errands unfettered)," or the first time anyone drives you anywhere. And if you borrow a car, always, always, always return it with a full gas tank, no matter where the gauge was when you borrowed it or how far (not far) you didn't drive it.

If doing these things proves more expensive than owning a car, then you use one enough that you should buy one.

Last week I was invited to a lecture for a group I thought about joining. It turned out the lecture was before a barbecue. I then asked my friend how much it would be for the barbecue. My friend said it's no charge, just go. I felt uncomfortable.

I didn't want to look like/be a freeloader. I couldn't say I didn't have a few dollars to donate (which she knows but 'forgets' )and I didn't want to freeload. So I said I was sick. She's mad.

This is a tough call. But not being a freeloader is critical.

Yes, there are people who freeload. I won't let it change my offers of service and sharing. It is pretty easy to determine who does and does not get the concept of mutual mooching that must exist for both parties to get the benefits of sharing.

I like this article. It's more about how others perceive your actions & abstentions than about what kind of decisions you should you make. I hadn't really thought about how my personal decisions (like not eating out) might be perceived by my co-workers. I never thought about it in that way.

Still, you should always do what you think is right, even if others might not understand right away. Their opinions shouldn't coerce you going along with the crowd, but you need to take those opinions and misunderstandings into account. Seeing yourself the way other perceive you is very hard, and maybe it's a matter of having realistic expectations, not making others feel "left out" or trying to act "better than the rest of us." That doesn't win many converts.

I see this I myself when I sell on craigslist. Buyers will say "I don't drive, but..." when I live near Glendale and they live in Santa Monica, as if because they don't drive I should drive over to them at my own time and expense so they can hem and haw over the price or decide whether they really want it. People like that are annoying and selfish. They have the internet (they're reading craigslist after all) so they have Google Maps. And they can see in my post where I live. So there's nothing stopping them from looking it up. I know it's hard with 2 strangers over email to negotiate a polite and fair agreement, so I try to be patient. I used to "not drive" and I remember being an imposition on others back then (always needing a ride, being limited by the bus schedule, etc.).

Vegetarians do this too. "Oh, I'm a vegetarian... I don't eat meat..." Yeah, you know you don't have to explain it to me. Most of us, by now, know what that means. The vegetarians who give all the other vegetarians a bad name are like finicky little 5 year olds who crinkle up their mouths unless you feed them only what they like. I feel like saying "Did you bring your own food?!" It's very manipulative, a way of forcing others to indulge you, unless you're a considerate vegetarian who does their best to be easy to feed. But I have my own eating preferences too (there's certain food I just can't bring myself to eat, not even to be polite!) and I remember how others have had to accommodate me at some point. I try to be easy to feed, but I find it too easy to get annoyed when other people claim "special needs" when it's really just something they decided at some point. Being lactose intolerant, that's not a decision or indulgence. Allergies too, you need to respect anything that can induce anaphylaxis. Kosher or religious diets, yeah, you've got to honor your mother and father. But diets people just pick up, just to feel special or superior, that's annoying.

But it's funny. I'm so quick to see this in others. But I'm so slow to see it in myself. It's like people who leave long, rambling replies to blog articles. Now that's annoying. I hate people like that. What are they thinking?!!

Ian writes:
But it's funny. I'm so quick to see this in others. But I'm so slow to see it in myself. It's like people who leave long, rambling replies to blog articles. Now that's annoying. I hate people like that. What are they thinking?!!

You HATE people who write long blog replies? Really? Wow. You must be an incredibly wonderful human with no failings that you are so comfortable writing that you hate people, as opposed to their behavior that you don't like.

FYI: life is not all Twitter-length responses and NOBODY makes you read the posts, of any length.

Know what I hate? People who make comments about hating people, as opposed to focusing on their behavior and choices. Big difference.

I always thought as a freind you always respect a person when they yell you they cant afford something. or that their saving up.I think it would be rude for me or anybody to exspect some one to live beyond their means because im spending money so they should too. If i really want a broke friend and my friends have done the same for me too I'll suck it up and buy lunch. Or even better weve found the lost tradtion of going to anothers house for coffee. I use to try and keep up , now I dont , Im happier that I spend my money on the shings that I really love (eg: snow boarding.) my other broke friends like me better to now. Im finding alot of people are getting tired of wasting money to keep of with only a couple of people who can AFFORD it.

Cheers :)

You can also invest time and creativity instead of money. Bring a beautiful loaf of home-baked bread to a pot-luck, rather than jello in tupperware. The bread will be very inexpensive to make, but it's tasty and shows care and effort, so it's a valued contribution. No one ever looks at a lovely loaf of artisanal bread and thinks, "Oh, they just brought something cheap. They didn't want to spend any money on their friends."

In regards to people not handling frugality well, it simply comes down to them feeling guilty about their own habits.

Deep down inside, we all know what works in life and what doesn't. Spending money wisely, saving, living within our means and budgeting are all activities that help our lives be less stressful, more empowered and independent. Eating fresh, non-chemically or genetically altered food that is heavy on the vegetable, fruit and fiber side and exercising regularly all lead to bodies that work better, enabling us to feel energetic, happy and healthy. We all know "what's good for us", right?

When we make the choice to do what is good for us, it takes integrity (aligning our actions with our words) and discipline. It's not easy, but the rewards make it worthwhile. We we make the choice not to do what's good for us, causes tension within ourselves and calls our integrity into question. We know what works and in spite of this knowledge, we act in such a way that doesn't work.

When we're in that situation and come face to face with someone who actually is doing "what's good for themselves," it brings to light our lack of integrity with that behavior. Rather than admit being "wrong" and potentially making ourselves look foolish to other people, we tend to become self-righteous and take the role of the victim. This is, of course, ridiculous unless they actually are trying to convert you or blatantly criticize you.

I had to confront this myself with my vegetarian friends. Some actually were trying to guilt me out of eating meat, but most were just making that choice for a wide variety of reasons, but they were aligning their actions with their beliefs. Regardless of the camp, I felt threatened by all of them. I realized that I actually did believe a non-meat diet was more healthful and yet I ate meat anyway. My issue had suddenly become theirs! Once I realized this, I took a look at my life and values and made the choice to continue to eat meat, but on a much smaller scale. Once I had aligned my values to my actions, the feeling of being attacked or confronted vanished.

Don't let other people's guilt or lifestyle choices affect what you know to be true and good for you.

Regarding selling things to non-drivers, we've come up with a solution to this in our quest to de-clutter our home. When we list something, we put right in the title or price that it's X price if you pick up and Y price if we deliver. We live thirty minutes outside a metro area so not only do we make extra money this way, we attract more interest from city dwellers. My husband works in the city anyway so it's no big deal for him to swing by and drop off an item and collect the money. It keeps us from having to deliver for free to non-drivers and people have all been happy to pay an extra $20 or $30 for this when we're selling items over $100.