shopping addiction

Is It Time to See a Marriage Counselor About Your Money Problems?

Ashley Eneriz — Mon, 17 Dec 2018 09:00:10 +0000

Can't stop bickering about money with your spouse? You're not alone. According to a 2016 study by Ameriprise, about three in 10 couples disagree on finances at least once a month, mostly about major purchases or spending habits.

It's no surprise that money is a touchy subject for many couples, especially when the budget gets tight or when you feel like you're drowning in debt. While it's common for money issues to arise even in the strongest marriages, there are some tell-tale signs when it might be time to seek counseling over financial problems. (See also: 8 Things I Learned About Money After Getting Married)

There's financial infidelity

Even though your partner might not cheat on you with another individual, financial infidelity can cause just as much pain and mistrust. Financial infidelity is when one partner makes significant money decisions without consulting the other. If one spouse has taken out a secret credit card, opened up a secret bank account, hides purchases or statements, or if cash goes missing, then these are all red flags.

This is bigger than a mere budgeting issue. There's a breach of trust and communication in your marriage, and it's wise to seek out the help of a marriage counselor to get to the root of the problem, and remedy the issue. (See also: 4 Money Challenges That Will Strengthen Every Relationship)

You can't stop arguing about money

That same Ameriprise study also found that the couples who fight over money admit to having other underlying issues. Perhaps one spouse is too uptight about the budget or goes off the handle for overspending or debt. Maybe one spouse feels too restricted and spends freely because they feel they have the right to do so.

Again, this is more than just a budget issue. There are internal struggles that both you and your spouse need to identify in yourselves and in each other. Perhaps one partner is constantly nagging about the budget because they grew up in poverty and debt. Maybe one partner spends recklessly because they don't feel valued or appreciated. A marriage counselor can help you both look past the money issues to see if there are deeper problems at hand. And once the trigger is discovered, it's easier to resolve the behaviors attached. (See also: How to Deal With a Partner Who Is Too Controlling With Money)

Your budget is affected by addiction

Addictions to gambling, shopping, drugs, or alcohol are serious issues and can also be major budget killers. If one spouse is fighting an addiction that impacts the finances, then it's best to come to an agreement on how to protect your shared money. This might mean that the spouse battling addiction is taken off all financial accounts until they have sought out treatment and therapy.

Not only does the partner with the addiction need to seek out individual therapy, but a few sessions with a marital counselor can help mend broken communication and hurt feelings that resulted from the addiction. With the help of a marriage counselor, you can determine how to help your spouse on their journey to recovery.

There is a possibility of financial abuse

Does your spouse have full control of the finances and won't let you have access to bank accounts or credit cards? Do you have to ask for an allowance or get permission to get a job in order to pay for your basic needs? There could be an issue with financial abuse, and if your spouse is willing to see a counselor, then let that be your first step. Perhaps your spouse is not fully aware that they are committing financial abuse, or that as a married couple, you have rights to all shared income.

Financial abuse is a serious issue, and it's considered a form of domestic abuse. You can contact the National Network to End Domestic Violence and the National Domestic Abuse Hotline if you feel you are a victim of financial abuse. These sites also list additional forms of financial abuse to watch out for, as well as several resources for anyone who feels stuck in a marriage like this. (See also: 5 Painless Ways to Manage Money With Your Partner)

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This article is from Ashley Eneriz of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

6 Frugal Promises I Have Not Kept

Andrea Karim — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 13:48:09 +0000

When I started blogging for Wise Bread many eons ago, I was making a great salary and had just bought my own home. I was filled with frugal ambitions, ready to lean how to invest, be a good home owner, and save lots of money for retirement.

Five years later, I honestly can't say that I have accomplished all that much, to be perfectly honest. Lots of Wise Bread writers are people who found themselves in a financial bind and reacted by pulling themselves together and changing their lives. I am not that kind of writer, and that's one of the reasons I never write about investments or savings accounts — because I don't have any.

I've written about a lot of my other money-saving ideas and goals along the way, but to be honest, I haven't made many of them. Here are some of my more spectacular failures.

Giving Up Caffeine

I have quit drinking coffee several times over the past few years, but I always go back. To be honest, it's my one vice. I don't smoke, and I quit drinking alcohol (I have a sip every now and again, but I don't consume unless there is a toast being made). I don't think that getting up every morning and stumbling to the coffeemaker before I can focus my eyes is healthy for me, but I haven't managed to get through more than a couple of months without at least a strong cup of tea.

The thing is, I know the relying on caffeine for energy is depleting; caffeine is bad for bone density, and living on borrowed energy isn't good, either. But although I don't go to a cafe every morning and usually brew my coffee at home, I still haven't managed to totally kick the habit.

Letting My Gray Hair Grow

A couple of years ago, I cut off all of my dyed hair and let my natural color grow out. I started getting my first gray hairs when I was right out of college, and so it's not like it was a surprise that I have a significant portion of gray and white hair among my natural reddish brown locks. I had experimented with letting my hair be natural before, and had failed, but back in 2008, I suddenly realized how much I was spending at the colorist and decided to give it another go. I wrote a blog post about it, feeling all proud and ready to face a life with gray locks. I would be the female Jon Stewart or Anderson Cooper, all silver-foxy and chic.

Instead, I looked like someone had run over me with a tractor. I looked tired, old, and dumpy. No matter how I changed my makeup colors or styled my hair (including ample application of gold glitter), I looked terrible. My mother had warned me, too. She said, "Andrea, you have my hair. It's awful, and I am sorry. Stick to the coloring."

As usual, my mother was right. My hair IS awful. It is gray around the sides, like my fathers, but not really at all on the top. Having gray hair not only makes me look old, it makes me look like a man.

I've gone back to coloring it, usually from a box. It's cheaper than a salon, although I still go in to see a stylist for trims and deep conditioning treatments.

Learning Not to Give Too Much

My very first article on Wise Bread was about how my combined vanity and guilt over having grown up privileged combined to make for some really bad spending habits. Although I no longer blow my entire paycheck at Nordstrom, this is partly because I have so many other steep bills to cover that I simply can't afford to buy nice clothing anymore. I'm also still guilty of feeling the need to help other people monetarily, even if it means having to take out a loan to do so (not wise).

Also, I'm still madly vain and overly concerned with my appearance. Fortunately, a drastically reduced salary has curbed my trips to the manicurist.

Grooming My Dogs All by Myself

I have two small dogs that should be easy to groom. They are not. I bought a rather expensive pair of clippers and wrote an article about how I can groom my dogs at home because I am just that talented. It turns out that I cannot be trusted with clippers. In fact, even the strongest clippers I could find would not cut my Pekingese's hair, which apparently is made of some kind of ultra-strong polymer from the future. In fact, just finding a good spot to do the grooming is impossible in my house. Short of placing my dogs on the kitchen counter, I don't have an adequate surface or appropriate room to give the dogs a sense of safety and stability. In addition, there is no way to prevent dog hair from flying everywhere.

I still bathe my dogs in the bathtub using one of those showerheads-on-a-hose. But I pay to have them trimmed, plucked, flea-dipped, and dentally cared for. The DIY option is more work than I can handle on my own.

Not Having A Television

This one isn't a failure so much as a semi-renege. For years, I didn't own a television. I watched what I enjoyed online, and had no use for extended cable. My father, however, was horrified at his inability to watch golf for hours while visiting me in Seattle. "This will never do!" he proclaimed, and marched to Costco to buy a flat screen TV.

I still don't watch TV per se; I catch episodes of Modern Family on Hulu.com if I have time, which is rare. But I do technically have a television in my home, and we do use it to watch movies. My fiancé has improved upon it with a sound system that probably wouldn't fit in my Prius, because men cannot watch a television unless a subwoofer is hooked up to it.

Driving Slower

Back when I owned a Toyota Avalon, I found that driving around 50mph saved me a lot of gas. I drive a hybrid now, and although it doesn't respond well to sudden acceleration, the optimal driving speed for my Prius is around 70mph. Of course, the speed limit on Seattle freeways is 60mph.

I still drive more slowly when I am heading home for the day, but am a bit more harried in the morning. Because the car is a hybrid, I spend less than half of what I used to on gasoline.

Do you have any money-saving pledges that you have not managed to keep? Tell us about them in the comments (and go ahead and justify them, it's fine).

This article is from Andrea Karim of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

Book Review: Spent: Memoirs of a Shopping Addict

Xin Lu — Fri, 30 Apr 2010 06:20:16 +0000

Avis Cardella is a former model and a freelance fashion writer who had a serious shopping addiction. In Spent: Memoirs of Shopping Addict (affiliate link), she writes about her struggles with acquiring more and more stuff without fulfillment for two decades. This is the painful story of a true shopaholic.

This book will probably be fairly revolting to a frugal person, and I really felt like I was rubbernecking at a trainwreck as I read about how the author spent more than she earned for decades and bought things that she did not even use. To her detriment, various wealthy men in her life also enabled her addiction and cultivated her expensive tastes. Some portions of the book really made me want to go up to this woman and shake a little sense into her, but I thought that she was also quite brave to write such a deeply personal memoir and air out so much of her dirty laundry.

To be honest, I could not relate to this book at all because I am not into shopping, but I think it may be a great book for those who want to understand how debilitating oniomania, or shopping addiction, could be. Ms. Cardella writes in detail about how "trance-like" shopping gave her happiness temporarily and then fill her with disgust and guilt. She repeats this ritual ad nauseum and it is true insanity.

In addition to the personal story, Ms. Cardella also gives some good background history on the rise of the "mall culture" in America. Since she worked in the fashion industry she also has some good insights into how advertising makes people want things they do not necessarily need.

I found the book to be quite serious and heavy, and it made me realize that an activity as innocent as shopping can evolve into a disease. Ultimately the author realized that acquiring more stuff was not fulfilling her emotionally and made drastic changes in her life. I would have liked to read more about her recovery process, and I sincerely hope that she is doing well.

Do you know anyone with a serious shopping addiction?

Disclosure: I received a free advanced copy of this book.

This article is from Xin Lu of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread: