25 tips from the frugally insane.

Paul Michael — Wed, 21 Feb 2007 18:17:08 +0000

You know, saving money is a serious business. Sometimes, too serious. So now and then I like to inject a little fun into the proceedings. Back when I was a little younger, I would ocassionally glance at the magazines my mom would read. They were the usual 'mom' magazines, like Good Housekeeping, Bella, that kind of thing. And there was always a spot dedicated to tips sent in from readers. You know the ones..."a little club soda and salt will clean up any stain."

Then I found a magazine called VIZ, a comic for grown-ups. and they did what I can only describe as the funniest parody of frugality I have ever read. As you are all fans of saving a few pennies, I thought I'd share these insane tips with you. Trust me when I say that the only use they serve is to give you an occasional chuckle. Enjoy.

25 tops tips from the VIZ archives.

1. Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to a local charity shop. They'll wash and iron them and you can buy them back for 50 cents.

2. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

3. A hedgehog, trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest, makes an unusual and cheap mobile appetizer dispenser at cocktail parties.

4. Foil pick-pockets by placing a freshly toasted "pop tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

5. A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal home-made "car" for snakes.

6. Can’t afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of clingwrap and press them into your eyes.

7. Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.

8. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

9. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

10. Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your gas whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic buckets.

11. Why pay for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen fries from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.

12. Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

13. Always keep a stick of butter in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.

14. Exterior wood stain is a cheap, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.

15. Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making "blinkers" out of two post-it note stickers, one stuck to each temple.

16. Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

17. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

18. Old telephone directories make ideal, free personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

19. When reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark.

20. Save on gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

21. Avoid being wheel-clamped by jacking up your car, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the trunk until you return.

22. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in duct tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

23. Expensive hair gels are expensive. Jelly is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

24. Save on alochol by drinking cold tea instead of scotch. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a tablespoon of dish soap and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

25. International master criminals. It is possible to make your fortune. Simply tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

Written by Paul Michael and published on Wise Bread. Read more articles from Wise Bread.

saving money.

25 tips from the frugally insane.