jokes http://www.wisebread.com/taxonomy/term/1343/all en-US Only Celebrate A Few Select Birthdays http://www.wisebread.com/only-celebrate-a-few-select-birthdays <div class="field field-type-filefield field-field-blog-image"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item odd"> <a href="/only-celebrate-a-few-select-birthdays" class="imagecache imagecache-250w imagecache-linked imagecache-250w_linked"><img src="http://wisebread.killeracesmedia.netdna-cdn.com/files/fruganomics/imagecache/250w/blog-images/61nH0aYNyOL._SS500_.jpg" alt="Patton Oswalt" title="Patton Oswalt" class="imagecache imagecache-250w" width="250" height="250" /></a> </div> </div> </div> <p>What if we suddenly stopped celebrating every single birthday in our lives, and instead concentrated on just the important ones? Would you care? Would you support it? I&rsquo;ll tell you one thing&hellip;we&rsquo;d all save a bunch of money.</p> <p>The idea comes from one of my favorite comedians, Patton Oswalt. If you don&rsquo;t know the name, you&rsquo;ll certainly know the voice; he played Remy in <em>Ratatouille</em>. He was also Spence Olchrin in <em>The King Of Queens</em>, and he&rsquo;s an exceptional comedian.</p> <p>On his CD <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000RGSOM8?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=wisebread07-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B000RGSOM8"><em>Werewolves And Lollipops</em></a> he outlines a plan to stop the celebration of most birthdays, saying that there&rsquo;s nothing special about most of them. And, he&rsquo;s right. What&rsquo;s so special about hitting 36 (my next birthday)? Or 42? Or even 14? They&rsquo;re not landmark dates in your existence. They&rsquo;re just another year.</p> <p>The full list is printed below, and you can also <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJnCHy0p6n4">listen to Patton</a> (be warned, Patton uses language that is NSFW).</p> <p><strong>Birthdays you can and cannot celebrate.</strong></p> <p>1 thru 9 &mdash; YES. You&rsquo;re a little kid, and kids should get to celebrate birthdays.</p> <p>10 &mdash; YES. You&rsquo;ve entered the double digits. Something different has happened, you get a birthday.</p> <p>11-12 &mdash; NO. Nothing special about those years.</p> <p>13 &mdash; YES. Now you&rsquo;re a teenager, and that&rsquo;s worth celebrating.</p> <p>14-15 &mdash; NO. Again, nothing special here.</p> <p>16 &mdash; YES. The laws have changed. Now you can drive, that&rsquo;s worth celebrating.</p> <p>17 &mdash; NO. What&rsquo;s special about being 17? Exactly.</p> <p>18 &mdash; YES. Awesome birthday. You can vote and own a gun. This is all worth celebrating (and if you&rsquo;re in other countries including England, you can drink alcohol). Now that is worth a party.</p> <p>19 &mdash; YES. It&rsquo;s your last year as a teenager.</p> <p>20 &mdash; YES. You&rsquo;ve entered your twenties.</p> <p>21 &mdash; YES. Awesome birthday, you&rsquo;re as adult as you can get. Hit the bars.</p> <p>And then&hellip;only one birthday every 10 years (30, 40, 50, 60 and so on) until you hit 90. After 90, you get a birthday every year because one law no longer applies to you!</p> <p>Now, as 90 is a rare age for most of us to reach, I&rsquo;d say most of us are in for 22-23 birthday celebrations in our lifetime. That&rsquo;s a lot less than 70-80. And think of all the money that we wouldn&rsquo;t have to spend. At Hallmark, they&rsquo;d see their profits go down the toilet, but personally I wouldn&rsquo;t shed a tear. Charging an average of $5 for a piece of card you read once and throw away is something of an extravagance anyway. And think of all the trees and resources we&rsquo;d save!</p> <p>Not only that, but once you reach the adult years, you usually don&rsquo;t want for that much anyway. As a kid, you have no income. Your birthdays are what you rely on for toys, clothes, games, and candy. But as a 36 year old, I&rsquo;ll be getting stuff for my birthday that I could afford anyway. I usually have to search my brain for days to come with ideas for people. And they&rsquo;re the same. My dad&rsquo;s birthday is in a few weeks. He had no idea what he wanted, so I bought him some DVDs. He&rsquo;s probably seen them, he may even have them, and who knows if he even wants them.</p> <p>Now I&rsquo;m not saying we should treat the day like any other. By all means, go have a few drinks after work or take a trip to the movies. Have a good meal. But do we really need to continue spending all of this money on each other, buying junk we don&rsquo;t need for people who don&rsquo;t want anything, just because we&rsquo;ve reached the grand old age of 27 or 43? Many people in this world would be thankful for a healthy meal and sanitary water every day, and the money we throw at each other on gifts, cards, and endless wrapping could more than pay for that.</p> <p>This idea may have started as a joke, but I think it&rsquo;s far from just a bit of comic relief. Think it over.</p> <br /><div id="custom_wisebread_footer"><div id="rss_tagline">This article is from <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/paul-michael">Paul Michael</a> of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/only-celebrate-a-few-select-birthdays">Wise Bread</a>, an award-winning personal finance and <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/credit-cards">credit card comparison</a> website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:</div><div class="view view-similarterms view-id-similarterms view-display-id-block_2 view-dom-id-2"> <div class="view-content"> <div class="item-list"> <ul> <li class="views-row views-row-1 views-row-odd views-row-first"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/11-ways-the-government-pays-you-to-live-green">11 Ways the Government Pays You to Live Green</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-2 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/7-ways-to-lower-water-heater-costs">7 Ways To Lower Water Heater Costs</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-3 views-row-odd"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/the-end-of-the-energizer-bunny-six-products-that-dont-need-batteries">The end of the Energizer bunny: SIX products that don&#039;t need batteries.</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-4 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/is-the-courtesy-flush-dead">Is the courtesy flush dead?</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-5 views-row-odd views-row-last"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/life-without-toiletpaper-bum-deal">Life Without Toiletpaper - Bum Deal?</a></span> </div> </li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> </div><br/></br> Lifestyle birthdays conserve environment funny jokes Mon, 08 Feb 2010 14:00:02 +0000 Paul Michael 5112 at http://www.wisebread.com 25 tips from the frugally insane. http://www.wisebread.com/25-tips-from-the-frugally-insane <p><img src="http://wisebread.killeracesmedia.netdna-cdn.com/files/fruganomics/wisebread_imce/36072_crazy_lady.jpg" alt="crazy lady" title="crazy lady" width="188" height="251" /></p> <p>You know, saving money is a serious business. Sometimes, too serious. So now and then I like to inject a little fun into the proceedings. Back when I was a little younger, I would ocassionally glance at the magazines my mom would read. They were the usual &#39;mom&#39; magazines, like Good Housekeeping, Bella, that kind of thing. And there was always a spot dedicated to tips sent in from readers. You know the ones...&quot;a little club soda and salt will clean up any stain.&quot; </p> <p>Then I found a magazine called VIZ, a comic for grown-ups. and they did what I can only describe as the funniest parody of frugality I have ever read. As you are all fans of saving a few pennies, I thought I&#39;d share these insane tips with you. Trust me when I say that the only use they serve is to give you an occasional chuckle. Enjoy.</p> <p><strong>25 tops tips from the VIZ archives.</strong></p> <p>1.    Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to a local charity shop. They&#39;ll wash and iron them and you can buy them back for 50 cents.</p> <p>2.    Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.</p> <p>3.    A hedgehog, trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest, makes an unusual and cheap mobile appetizer dispenser at cocktail parties.</p> <p>4.    Foil pick-pockets by placing a freshly toasted &quot;pop tart&quot; in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.</p> <p>5.    A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal home-made &quot;car&quot; for snakes.</p> <p>6.    Can’t afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of clingwrap and press them into your eyes.</p> <p>7.    Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.</p> <p>8.    Don&#39;t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.</p> <p>9.    Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.</p> <p>10.    Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your gas whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic buckets.</p> <p>11.    Why pay for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen fries from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.</p> <p>12.    Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.</p> <p>13.    Always keep a stick of butter in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you&#39;ll be able to grease your ears and slide out.</p> <p>14.    Exterior wood stain is a cheap, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.</p> <p>15.    Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making &quot;blinkers&quot; out of two post-it note stickers, one stuck to each temple.</p> <p>16.    Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner&#39;s hat.</p> <p>17.    Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to &#39;fast wipe&#39; whenever you leave your car parked illegally.</p> <p>18.    Old telephone directories make ideal, free personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don&#39;t know.</p> <p>19.    When reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark.</p> <p>20.    Save on gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you&#39;ve broken down and help.</p> <p>21.    Avoid being wheel-clamped by jacking up your car, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the trunk until you return.</p> <p>22.    No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in duct tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.</p> <p>23.    Expensive hair gels are expensive. Jelly is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.</p> <p>24.    Save on alochol by drinking cold tea instead of scotch. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a tablespoon of dish soap and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.</p> <p>25.    International master criminals. It is possible to make your fortune. Simply tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.<br /> </p> <br /><div id="custom_wisebread_footer"><div id="rss_tagline">This article is from <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/paul-michael">Paul Michael</a> of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/25-tips-from-the-frugally-insane">Wise Bread</a>, an award-winning personal finance and <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/credit-cards">credit card comparison</a> website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:</div><div class="view view-similarterms view-id-similarterms view-display-id-block_2 view-dom-id-1"> <div class="view-content"> <div class="item-list"> <ul> <li class="views-row views-row-1 views-row-odd views-row-first"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/how-to-flush-299-down-the-toilet-and-fish-it-out-again">How to flush $299 down the toilet (and fish it out again)</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-2 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/iphone-more-features-unveiled">iPhone - More features unveiled</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-3 views-row-odd"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/would-imminent-diarrhea-beat-a-speeding-ticket-deadline-extended">Would imminent diarrhea beat a speeding ticket? Deadline extended.</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-4 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/jar-of-nothing-the-perfect-present-for-the-picky-prick-in-your-life">Jar of Nothing: the perfect present for the picky prick in your life</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-5 views-row-odd views-row-last"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/weird-things-you-didnt-know-about-valentines-day">Weird Things You Didn&#039;t Know About Valentine&#039;s Day</a></span> </div> </li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> </div><br/></br> Extra Commentary fun tips funnies humor insanity jokes laughs parody saving money. Wed, 21 Feb 2007 18:17:08 +0000 Paul Michael 290 at http://www.wisebread.com