personal relationships

How to Get Along With Someone You Don't Get Along With

POPSUGAR Smart Living — Fri, 28 Jun 2013 09:48:33 +0000

Whether it's someone in your office or a family member, there may be someone in your life that you don't gel with. Perhaps she has one of these difficult personalities, or maybe the both of you are just too different. Of course, every situation is different, but here are some techniques that you can try out that may help your relationship with the other person.

Keep Your Distance

Sometimes it's better to start mending your relationship from afar. You'll have more control over your reactions, and you'll be able to be more objective about the situation without being subject to emotional triggers. Learn to separate reality from your own bias. Perhaps you're the one who is overreacting.

Disarming Technique

The disarming technique was first popularized by renowned cognitive behavioral psychologist Dr. David Burns. What you do is find a kernel of truth in her statement and agree with her. Being defensive tends to make the situation worse, so using the disarming technique will help diffuse the tension. By using this technique, you're improving your listening skills and learning to be more empathetic. Remember, people who tend to lash out can be really unhappy, so try to be understanding. It's hard to pick fights with replies like, "I can see how this is frustrating for you," or "You're right, it is important to be more organized." How can you further an argument with someone who is telling you you're right?

Create New Positive Experiences

If the majority of your recent interactions with the person are tinged with negativity, strive to create new positive experiences on neutral ground. It could be that the place where you interact the most with this person triggers strong counteractive feelings, so establish new positive ones.

Switch Topics

If the conversation is going downhill, switch gears and bring up a happy or neutral topic. This will give you both time to cool down and perhaps even end the conversation on a high note.

Think Proactive, Not Reactive

Given that you know you don't get along, you need to make the effort to turn that around. This means being on guard and making a concerted effort to improve the situation. Don't get complacent and let yourself react naturally, because that probably hasn't worked in the past. React with logic, not your emotions.

Observe Your Own Emotions

Note how you're feeling when you're dealing with the person. If you find yourself getting upset, take a breather and perhaps come back to the topic later on. If the issue you bring up is highly sensitive, give it a few days before approaching the topic. You'll be more calm and collected after some time.

When you don't like someone, it can be difficult to spend time around that person — let alone work together. Follow these suggestions to make things easier.

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This article is from POPSUGAR Smart Living of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

Making a Relationship Work When One Partner Earns More

Mikey Rox — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 10:48:37 +0000

Often, the spouse in the relationship who brings in less income than the other can feel inadequate and insecure about not being able to contribute equally to paying the bills or sending the same amount of money to savings.

First, you should understand that it’s natural — 99% of the time, one person is going to make more money than the other, which makes it almost impossible for each of you to contribute equally. Second, it’s important to recognize that there are ways to even out the playing field so both partners can feel appreciated and valuable for their individual contributions.

To help get this conversation started in your home, I’ve put together a few tips to help you navigate a rather touchy subject and handle it in a way that’s positive for your relationship. (See also: How to Be Happy and Married: 24 Tips From a 24-Year-Old Marriage)

1. Talk About It

Many spouses avoid this topic of conversation because it ends up in fight with hurt feelings all around — but it doesn’t have to be that way.

The first step toward working out unbalanced incomes and finding common ground is to sit down and have a frank discussion about how much each partner brings in, your joint plan for saving, and your ultimate financial goals. Maybe one spouse is OK taking on the majority of the bills, no questions asked. Or perhaps the lower earner wants to take on a part-time job to contribute to the overall income a bit more. The only way you’ll come to an amicable resolution, however, is with open and honest dialogue about what’s expected, what can be done to ensure both spouse’s happiness, and a plan to achieve it.

2. Crunch the Numbers

A great way to compromise on how much each spouse contributes to the monthly bills is to compare your salaries to see how much difference there is between them. Does one spouse make 25% or 50% more than the other? Whatever the percentage above the other, consider breaking down the bills with that gap in mind. The higher earner, since he or she brings in substantially more, could reasonably afford to pay a higher percentage of the rent/mortgage, cable, and utilities relative to their salary.

3. Establish a Joint Slush Fund

If one spouse is constantly pinching pennies while the other is seemingly sitting pretty, it may be hard for the lower earner to get on board with recreational activities that they can’t afford on their own. To eliminate this problem, open a joint account that’s specifically for fun. Decide how much money you’ll contribute to the account on a regular basis — $100 a month? $200 a month? It should be an equitable amount that the lower earner can afford — and start building it up. After a while, you’ll have an account to which you both contributed, so both of you can feel comfortable dipping into it when you want to do something together.

4. Put an Emphasis on Free Activities

Even if one spouse has more than enough income at his or her disposal, that doesn’t mean that you always have to spend money on activities as a couple.

Start changing the way you think about spending time together, and try to eliminate the money factor several times a month. No matter where you live, there are fun and free activities perfect for facilitating togetherness — all you have to do is look for them. You’ll soon find that it doesn’t cost a dime to spend quality time together — which leaves all the more money to send to your slush fund or savings account.

5. Think About a Second Job

If you’re the lower earner and your inability to bring in as much income as your spouse is really weighing on you, consider picking up a part-time job or freelance gig. The higher earner will be proud of you for being proactive about your financial situation, and you’ll lessen the stress you put on yourself worrying about money issues. There are plenty of side jobs out there for people with special skills — like graphic design or handy work — or you can go on the hunt for something more permanent in your area.

6. Earn More by Doing More

Another great way to contribute to the relationship — even when you can’t do it financially — is to contribute physically. If your spouse makes more and pays a higher percentage of the bills based on that higher income, show your gratitude by taking on more of the household chores. In the working world, those chores are assigned a monetary value, which means the time you put into them is worth money. Even though you won’t get paid for it, the value the extra work on your part brings will show your spouse that you value your relationship and that you appreciate his or her financial support.

Are you the higher or lower earner in your relationship? How do you make it work? What tips can you offer? Let me know in the comments below.

This article is from Mikey Rox of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

How to Avoid the Common Pitfalls of a Family Business

Annie Mueller — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 21:23:53 +0000

Link:

http://www.openforum.com/articles/how-to-avoid-the-common-pitfalls-of-a-family-b...

Small businesses face plenty of challenges, and family-owned businesses face some unique obstacles to success. Those that overcome them can be a great legacy.

Lack of Structure

Family businesses often start as a side job or a hobby that turns into something bigger. Rising to greatness from humble beginnings is one of our favorite American stories; it does have its drawbacks, however.

If you start your family business as a simple hobby, you're not really worrying about your business plan or who will sit on your board of directors, are you? You're just looking to make a few extra bucks.

If you manage to succeed, and grow, and keep succeeding and growing, you can find yourself operating as a small to mid-level business without normal business structures in place. Lack of structure creates lack of organization, lost profits, miscommunication, overlapping job responsibilities, and a myriad of other problems that combine to make it difficult to keep succeeding and growing.

Even if your family business is just a hobby, do yourself a favor and take it seriously. Business plans don't have to be complex documents, and writing even a simple one will give you a foundation for structure in the future, as you need it. If you are in the place of operating a full-fledged business without structure, stop right now and get some structure in place.

Wrong Person in the Job

Cousin Jimmy needs a job. Your business needs a salesman. Voila! Cousin Jimmy is employed, and you have a salesman on the floor. The only problem is that Cousin Jimmy is the cousin everybody avoids at family reunions because he talks incessantly and somehow never sees the barbecue sauce stain on his shirt. Congratulations; now he's representing your business.

Most cases of wrong-person-in-the-job aren't that horrific (though there are some), but keeping a family member employed, or employed in the wrong position, despite performance ... that happens much too often. And it can ruin a good business.

Even though nobody actually believes that phrase, "It's not personal, it's business," you need to act like you believe it. Firing isn't always the solution, of course, though I am in favor of cutting straight to the bottom line. Family members who are performing poorly may just need to be in a different position.

And when it comes time to pass on the reins to the next generation, don't just assume they're ready or able to take on the leadership of the business.

Failure to Plan for Transitions

2nd-generation family business owner Ted Hofer says that his father took seriously the need to quality Ted for his position as CEO. "My father had a five-year succession plan to prepare me and the company for the transition," says Ted. "I learned every aspect of the company over five years, even spending a summer treating lawns for one of Spring-Green's company-owned locations."

Unclear and/or Unfair Expectations

Of course you'll get to work two hours early for no extra pay! Of course you'll go without a paycheck this week! Of course no one will mind if you show up a little late! Of course it's okay if you borrow the company car for the weekend! Of course the business will pick up your vacation expenses!

It's all in the family, right?

There are some blurred lines with family and business. When a family is personally invested in a business, they often are willing to give more than your average employee. But assuming that all family members will happily sacrifice for the business is a bad idea. So is assuming that because you're a family member you can use business assets anytime you'd like. "It's also good to set boundaries," says Amanda Haddaway, who works at family-owned Folcomer Equipment Company with her dad and stepmom. The lines may be blurred, but make sure the lines are there.

Allowing Family Ties to Undermine Business Roles

Family structure is important. But if you have power struggles because older brother Tom doesn't want younger brother James to be his manager, you've got a case of family ties interfering with business.

When family structure keeps the right people in the wrong jobs, or has everybody distracted over personal relationships when they should be focused on productivity, you've got a problem.

Haddaway says that their key for making family and business work together is in respecting business roles: "Make sure that you clearly define what your responsibilities will be. If the parent will be the child's manager, make sure that you are ready to treat each other professionally and with respect in the workplace."

This article is from Annie Mueller of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread: