first dates

If You're Doing This on Your First Date, You're Not Getting a Second

Paul Michael — Wed, 09 Jul 2014 17:00:07 +0000

Dating has certainly changed since the world became tech-savvy. With the advent of smart phones, dating apps, and social media, making that awkward first move is not nearly as tough as it used to be. But, once you've both agreed to go on a first date, how do you make sure you get a second? (See also: Find Love With These Fun and Frugal First Date Ideas)

The following behaviors will guarantee that your first date will almost certainly be your last. Oh, and these apply to both men and women, so don't kid yourself that some of these don't concern you.

Turning Up Late

Leave your date chewing on breadsticks for 45 minutes without so much as a call or text message, and two things will happen. First, if your date has been polite enough to stick around, you'll be sitting through the most painful hour of your year. And second, you will not be making plans to do this again. Ideally, you should show up five minutes early. If you are going to be considerably late through no fault of your own, let your date know. If it is your own fault (and really, it always is), apologize but perhaps cushion the blow with something flattering ("I wanted to look really nice for you and completely lost track of time.") (See also: How to Always Be On Time)

Paying Too Much Attention to Your Cell Phone

Really, paying any attention to your cell phone. This is supposed to be a time when you only have eyes for each other. Constantly pulling out your phone to check messages, read Facebook updates and scroll through Reddit and Twitter will not make you very popular. Why would anyone want to give you a second date if you can't put them first for a few hours?

Getting Completely Drunk

Hey, first dates can be nerve-wracking, and a glass of wine or beer can definitely ease the tension. However, you cannot let a few drinks turn into a bender. If you start knocking back the booze like it's ice water in a heat wave, you will come across as an irresponsible jerk that cannot be trusted. You also do not look attractive when you're face down in the dessert and drooling like you've just had major dental surgery. Do yourself a favor. Have one or two drinks, and stop.

Turning the Date Into 20 Questions

First thing's first; people love talking about themselves. So, if you ask questions that get people to open up and talk about their favorite subject, you'll be doing well. Being a good listener is a very attractive quality, and asking about someone's life is just as becoming. But, you can go too far.

If it goes from "tell me more about the kind of work you do" to "how much do you earn?" "how many dates have you been on this year?" and "do you vote Republican or Democrat?" your date is going to feel like they're being interviewed for the role of your next partner. That's a big turn off. To curb this, try to make sure the questions you're asking are open-ended, and follow on what was asked before, as opposed to running down a pre-planned checklist.

Talking About Sex

Flirting is good. Being lecherous is bad. This is a first date, and you should be on your best behavior. By all means respond to the signals you're getting in an appropriate manner, but have some decorum. By diving into the subject of sex, you're giving the impression that you're only after one thing. Even if you both decide that the first date will also be your first intimate encounter, there's no need to become aggressive with it. Show some class.

Being Cheap

Both men and women should come to the date expecting to pay for half of it. This is not the dark ages, both sexes deserve equal treatment, and no one should just sit there expecting the other person to dive into their pocket and pay for everything. If the other person wants to pay, by all means acquiesce politely to their wishes. But being cheap is as off-putting as being drunk. You should show your date consideration. Dating can be expensive, and if you are both willing to meet up, you should both be willing to share the costs.

Bringing Your Buddy

There's not really much to say about this. You may have your doubts about the person you're meeting, and you may also want your best friend to give them the once-over. However, there is a time and a place for that kind of consultation, and it is not on the first date. Bring yourself to the date, and no one else.

Focusing On Your Ex

We all have horror stories about our past. We have also had dream dates. Neither should really be discussed unless the conversation naturally turns to it. Even then, it's good to treat an ex the same way you would a former employer in a job interview. Acknowledge them, but move on quickly. If you stay focused on a bad ex, your date may just wonder if you were the problem. If you go on and on about a great ex, they may feel they can never live up to that ideal.

Playing It Too Cool

There's cool. There's aloof. And there's just plain rude. By all means, dull your enthusiasm a little. You don't want to come across as a desperate eager puppy just dying to go home with someone and be their partner forever. But then the whole "I'm so cool I could freeze hell" routine won't cut it either. "Where would you like to go for dinner?" should not be answered with "hey, whatever, I don't really care." Be happy to be there, just not so happy your kittens are having kittens.

Being Keener Than Mustard

Perhaps even worse than being too cool for school is being an eager beaver. You turn up for the date with armfuls of gifts, and have pre-arranged for a string quartet to play your date's favorite song (which you found out by cyber-stalking them). It's just too creepy, and honestly, no one wants to be around someone that desperate (even if that is not your intention). Ease off on the gas. By all means show that you're happy to be around, but if you could be a contestant on The Price Is Right, you might want to think about toning down your hyperactivity.

So, what first date mistakes have you made? What about mistakes your date made? Please share in comments!

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This article is from Paul Michael of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

Who Should Pay for the First Date?

Mikey Rox — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 10:24:31 +0000

I’m married now, but when I was dating, I had anxiety over who should pay for the first date.

For women, it’s easy. I don’t mean to be sexist, but the guy generally picks up the tab in most cases; you ladies have it made if you’re dating decent men. (See also: From $5 to $30+, Date Ideas for Every Budget)

I’m gay, however, so when it’s two dudes meeting for drinks, dinner, and activities, that old-fashioned line of machismo-masked-as-chivalry tends to get blurred.

My Simple Rule: The Asker Pays

In my case, I adopted the rule early on that whoever asked the other on the date is the one who should pay. That’s not how it always went down, though. I dated a few stinkers (literally in one instance; more on that later) before I found my husband. But even today, I still use that rule when going on a date with my husband. If I ask him on the date, I’ll pick up the tab. If he’s inviting me out, I expect him to foot the bill.

Then there’s the grey area.

If we’re going out on a whim, with no specific plans in place, we go Dutch. I don’t mind. Every now and then, on these impromptu dates, one of us will pick up the entire bill just because we want to — and because that’s what married people do if they want married-people perks later in the night.

First Date Follies

If you’re not in a relationship though, dating isn’t so easy — especially the first one — and it definitely isn’t cheap.

While I stand by my statement that you should fork over the dough if you initiated the first date, there are some exceptions. Let’s take that stinker, for instance.

I went out on a date once with a dude in whom I was interested, but the date quickly went downhill after dinner. On our way to a local bookstore to sit on the terrace with dessert and a few magazines, this guy let out a huge belch without excusing himself. I brushed it off the first time, but then he did it again — again without excusing himself. That time I asked him if he was going to excuse himself to which replied that he would not and that he farts, too.

Um, not on my time.

At that point the date was over for me. Even though he asked me out and paid for the first half of the date, I decided to send him a message when we got to the bookstore by paying for my own dessert and magazines. I wasn’t about to accept more of his charity if he planned to be rude and disgusting for the rest of the night.

This example is where an exception to the rule of who pays applies. If you’re not feeling the date, you have a responsibility to let that person know — and there’s no better way to do that than by declining their offer to pay, or, on the other hand, requesting to split the bill if you’re the one expected to pay.

What I mean by the latter is if you’re not hitting it off with the person with whom you’re on a date for whatever reason, I don’t think you should have to pay their portion. You likely won’t see them after this, so there should be no embarrassment in asking them to go halfsies. At the very least, you won’t have to worry about them calling you ever again.

A First Date Shouldn't Bust Anybody's Budget

It’s worth noting that while first dates should be special, you should be wary of people who take advantage of the situation.

Some people just want a free meal, and if you feel like you’re getting the shaft it’s totally OK to flip the script and make them pay up. The first indication of this little game is when he or she orders the most expensive item on the menu and premium cocktails. Conversely, if you’ve been asked on the date, don’t be that guy or girl. Order something sensible and reasonably priced so your date doesn’t get the impression that you’re attracted only to his or her wallet.

Most importantly, be smart in planning the first date if you’re the one paying. You shouldn’t make reservations at the fanciest place in town if that’s not in your budget. While it’s tacky for the date to order the most expensive items on the menu, it’s something for which you should be prepared; if you can’t afford it, you shouldn’t be eating there. Same goes for activities — choose fun, budget-friendly activities in which to participate so you can somewhat gauge how much this date will cost.

The underlying perk in this strategy is that by setting a standard of budget dating in the beginning, your date won’t get the wrong impression. He or she will expect low-cost outings from the get-go, which will make those more extravagant dates unexpected and appreciated down the road.

Now it’s your turn to weigh in. What do you think about my take on first dates? Do you agree or disagree? Do you have a bad-date story to share? Let me know in the comments below.

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This article is from Mikey Rox of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

12 Cheap First Date Ideas

Camilla Cheung — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 10:24:29 +0000

My husband and I celebrate our third wedding anniversary this week, and it’s had me reminiscing about all the fun dates we’ve been on together through the years. We’re both frugal people (for our anniversary date, my husband got a Groupon), and some of our best memories are dates where we didn’t spend much money.

I always smile when I remember those creative first dates that we went on, which set the tone for a fun and adventurous relationship. Never did the word “cheap” cross my mind on those early dates, even though they were unarguably inexpensive. We were too busy enjoying each other’s company and having fun to think about money! (See also: 8 Cheap Date Ideas)

With that in mind, here are a few ideas for inexpensive first dates. Just remember, focus on your date and on getting to know him or her. It worked for us!

1. Have a Sunset Picnic

On one of our very first dates, my future husband and I rode our bikes to a nearby park. We settled down on a riverbank, and my husband pulled an entire meal out of his backpack! He lit candles, assembled some delicious chicken wraps, and uncorked a bottle of wine (this was in a country where drinking in public areas is legal). We enjoyed the food and talked as the sun went down. The atmosphere was perfect, and I was impressed that he had put so much thought and effort into the date.

Why not try doing a sunset picnic of your own? If you can’t bring wine, bring sparkling juice instead, and decorate the picnic with a few candles or flowers.

2. Go to a Jazz Club

Meeting for a drink is a great low-key way to get to know a new date. Make it a little more out-of-the-ordinary by meeting at a jazz club. If the bar doesn’t charge a cover, then you’ll only be set back the price of a couple of drinks while getting to enjoy some live talent. The music provides a conversation-starter, and if there’s dancing, even better.

3. Explore Your City

My husband and I met in Shanghai, a city with endless possibilities for exploration and sightseeing. If you live in or near a city, chances are there are interesting neighborhoods and areas to explore. Check out an art community, or walk along the waterfront. Window-shop in the boutiques, browse independent bookstores, and stop for a cup of coffee. Be spontaneous, and let the day take you wherever it leads.

4. Visit a Museum or Art Gallery

My husband and I had an “accidental” date at a museum in our early days of dating. We were at the museum with a group of friends, but ended up exploring the museum together, just the two of us, talking the whole time. There’s nothing like shards of pottery and 13th century textiles to inspire a lively conversation! Seriously though, a first date is more about getting to know each other than anything else, so a date where you can be distracted with interesting sights but also have the opportunity to talk to each other is ideal. Most museums and art galleries have low admission fees, and you may even be able to visit during free hours on certain days of the week.

5. Go Ice Skating Outdoors

This date idea only works if it gets below freezing in the winter where you live. One of my favorite activities in my hometown of Toronto was going skating at one of the outdoor skating rinks in the winter. There is something so merry and festive about skating outdoors, and if your date doesn’t know how to skate, you have many chances to help him or her out. Afterwards, warm up rosy cheeks and cold hands with a cup of hot chocolate. Don’t live in a cold climate? How about roller skating or a bike ride down a nearby bike path?

6. Go Boating

If you and your date are both outdoorsy types, consider going canoeing or kayaking. Renting a canoe or double kayak will set you back about $40 (depending on location) for a few hours of fresh air and amusement. Go for an exhilarating boat ride on a local river, bay, or lake. If you’re not particularly outdoorsy or are on a tighter budget, try paddle-boating at the city lake. It’s inexpensive, unique, and fun, and between paddling and laughing, you’ll have plenty of time for conversation.

7. Go on a Winery Tour

Depending on where you live, local wineries may offer tours and tastings for low prices. Look for a large winery where you can tour the winemaking facilities, as well as have a wine-tasting lesson. The silly noises you make while slurping your wine (to better aerate it over your palate) are sure to break the ice. Going on a tour makes for a more involved and interesting experience than a simple short tasting, and often the cost of the tour is waived if you buy a bottle of wine.

8. Paint Your Own Pottery

Pottery studios where you can paint your own pottery are common these days, and they are a fun way to be creative on a date while staying on a budget. Generally, you have to buy the piece of pottery you paint, but a small bowl or plate will set you back just $10 or so. If it works out with you and your date, you’ll have a lasting souvenir, and if it doesn’t work out, you can always smash your pottery in a fit of rage for some much-needed emotional gratification.

9. Go Bowling

It’s casual, it’s cheap, and it’s entertaining. Bowling is one of those great activities where you can get to know another person in a low-key setting. Between a second order of fries and teaching your date how to bowl (or being taught), you’ll have a fun experience that will leave both of you with a positive feeling about the date.

10. Check Out Community Theater

Maybe you can’t afford to take your date to Cirque du Soleil or the latest incarnation of Les Miserables, but you can probably afford tickets to your local community theater. Usually these tickets hardly cost more than movie tickets, and it’s a fun way to connect with the community while having a great time. Community theater is also often more interactive and intimate, making for a warmer, casual atmosphere.

11. Visit Local Festivals

Whether it’s a cultural festival, a clambake, or the community Oktoberfest celebration, going to a local festival is another low-pressure first date that allows you to walk, eat, drink, and talk without too formal of a setting. There’s plenty to see and do, and the food and drink costs less than a dinner out at a nice restaurant.

12. Get Dessert and Coffee

A cheaper, less formal alternative to a dinner date is meeting up for dessert and/or coffee. Try something unconventional like getting Hawaiian shave ice, going to a tea house, or indulging your sweet tooth with cheesecake and an iced latte.

A first date may not be the place to use a Groupon, gift certificate, or coupon, for fear of appearing overly cheap with someone you may not know well, but there are many ways to spend less on a first date. Think outside the box (dinner and a movie), be creative, and you’re likely to have a date you’ll always remember!

This article is from Camilla Cheung of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread: