relationships http://www.wisebread.com/taxonomy/term/7620/all en-US 8 Relationship Mistakes Everyone Makes http://www.wisebread.com/8-relationship-mistakes-everyone-makes <div class="field field-type-filefield field-field-blog-image"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item odd"> <a href="/8-relationship-mistakes-everyone-makes" class="imagecache imagecache-250w imagecache-linked imagecache-250w_linked"><img src="http://wisebread.killeracesmedia.netdna-cdn.com/files/fruganomics/imagecache/250w/blog-images/couple_relationship_trouble_000013834490.jpg" alt="Couple making relationship mistakes everyone makes" title="" class="imagecache imagecache-250w" width="250" height="140" /></a> </div> </div> </div> <p>One of the biggest issues I've found with relationships &mdash; in practically all of them &mdash; is that there are cracks in every fa├žade; we just don't like to talk about them.</p> <p>Even though it's not the easiest topic of conversation to engage in, I'm a staunch advocate for laying our problems out on the table with people we trust. Among close friends, we can talk about what's going on in our lives, receive feedback and advice, and most importantly, recognize that we're not alone in the problems we face with our significant others. After all, the truth will set you free, right?</p> <p>In lieu of such grand admissions, let's back it up and start smaller, by identifying the universal relationship issues we all face but rarely talk about.</p> <p>See also: <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/20-money-mistakes-everyone-makes-but-no-one-talks-about">20 Money Mistakes Everyone Makes But No One Talks About</a></p> <h2>1. You Do Things Just to Please Your Partner</h2> <p>There's nothing wrong with doing something nice for your partner, even going out of your way at times to make them happy &mdash; consider it a byproduct of being in love. But when you start doing things just to please your partner &ndash; and you're doing them excessively &ndash; you run the risk of being disappointed, even more so when your proactiveness isn't warranted or requested. Eventually, you'll start to notice an imbalance in your relationship &ndash; you're pleasing your partner in various ways and he or she isn't following suit. It may be a situation that you created though, so how can you really be mad at that?</p> <p>As a result, according to Michele Fabrega, love, intimacy, and sexuality coach for men, we can feel resentful when we start to expect our partner to make sacrifices for us.</p> <p>&quot;It can end up being a sort of ledger that we keep inside our heads, a competition of sorts,&quot; she says. &quot;Instead, I like to invite my clients to really ask themselves, before they say yes to their partner's request, 'Is this something I can feel good about?' And if not, I invite partners to collaborate, not compromise.&quot;</p> <h2>2. You Become Codependent on One Another</h2> <p>We've all seen it happen to our friends: They start dating and spending more time together until eventually they can't spend time apart. That's not healthy, and if you're in this type of relationship, it's time to reevaluate your priorities.</p> <p>&quot;Some people don't allow themselves to sail through the infatuation stage, and because of this, some couples tend to lose their own lives and become intertwined in each other's,&quot; explains dating and life coach <a href="http://annahrose.com/">Annah Rose</a>. &quot;Their lives then become solely about each other.&quot;</p> <p>Becoming codependent on one another is bad habit for any relationship, but especially one in the early stages. Even when you're trying to build the relationship in the beginning, each partner needs his or her space. Without breathing room, tensions eventually will mount, likely ending in a blow-up when someone feels smothered.</p> <h2>3. You Snoop on Each Other</h2> <p>&quot;Once someone snoops they are labeled as 'crazy,' but here's the thing &mdash; in this day and age of social media and smartphones, more people than not are snooping. This becomes one of the unhealthiest traits to bring into a relationship,&quot; says Rose.</p> <p>Let's dissect that. On one hand, most people in a relationship are guilty of snooping in some form of another; most likely as a result of something that raised their suspicion, but it's important to note here that it's not just women; men are doing it &mdash; in their own way, and whether they'd like to admit it or not. Secondly, snooping is never good for the relationship. People rarely get away with it, but it also signals a bigger problem &mdash; a complete lack of trust. Maybe that's justified, but I can tell you from firsthand experience that once this habit is established, it won't stop, and neither will the activity that facilitated it. In that case, you're both going to have a hard road trying to keep that relationship together&hellip; because it probably should've ended a long time ago.</p> <h2>4. You Blame Each Other When Things Go Wrong</h2> <p>Nobody likes to admit they're wrong or at fault for whatever goes awry in a relationship, and that's never clearer than when romantic partners are in an argument. Accusations fly and fingers are pointed in an attempt to absolve oneself from responsibility for whatever you're fighting about. As we all know, however, that gets us nowhere, and Fabrega offers an alternative solution.</p> <p>&quot;Relationships are complex and the way each of us responds or reacts to life situations are infinitely unique,&quot; she says. &quot;Rather than go into blame or criticism, I like to encourage people to bring compassionate curiosity to the situation. What am I feeling? What happened here? What led to this outcome? What can I learn from this situation? What do I wish I had done differently? If partners can come together and be on the same team to address a problem, they can be part of the solution. This is key relationship skill that partners can strengthen over time.&quot;</p> <h2>5. You Try to Change the Other Person</h2> <p>I think we've all watched enough <em>Oprah</em> and <em>Dr. Phil</em> to know that we can't change our partners, no matter how hard we try. It's a fool's errand that will end up in heartbreak, so it's best to accept your partner's flaws, or move on.</p> <p>You also should do some soul searching of your own. If you want your partner to change so badly, they're probably not right for you. Find someone else who more closely embodies what you want in a man or woman, if only so you're not making your partner feel like they're not good enough all the time. That's not fair to them, and you're doing what's best for you either.</p> <h2>6. You Aren't Empathetic Enough With One Another</h2> <p>When two people love each other, they want the best for each other. Which is why it's interesting and confusing and sad that when couples argue with one another, they can be downright evil. Passion has a way of taking over sometimes, but it's important to remember that there's no taking back what you say to one another.</p> <p>&quot;Humans are pretty self-centered and we rarely look at another person's circumstances,&quot; says couples' therapist and relationship podcaster Eboni Harris. &quot;If your partner says something hurtful, think about times that you have used the wrong words and it led to an argument. Wouldn't you want the chance to explain what you meant in a safe conversation before your partner jumped down your throat? If you know that your partner loves you and is not in the habit of purposefully hurting you, give them an opportunity to explain.&quot;</p> <h2>7. You Withhold &quot;Uncomfortable&quot; Information</h2> <p>Here's something to chew on: We communicate more than ever with text messages, social media, dating apps, etc., but we rarely <em>talk</em> about anything worthwhile anymore. That goes double for those touchy subjects that we've always had a hard time discussing, and not being forthcoming with our partners can create a wedge in the relationship that sometimes drive us apart.</p> <h2>8. You Create Impossible Expectations</h2> <p>We've all pretty much been brainwashed to believe that we deserve the perfect partner. You know the one: amazing credentials online, they live incredible lives according to their various profiles, have the best families, are well-traveled, neatly dressed, blah blah blah. And physically, they're the ideal specimens &mdash; fit, attractive, curves in all the right places, and so on. So, of course, good luck (and God help you) with that!</p> <p>But as Mitch Kahan, co-founder of the dating app<a href="http://www.inviteup.com/"> InviteUp</a>, warns, spending too much time cultivating relationships online instead of offline can set up you up for failure, over and over again.</p> <p>&quot;All the pre-date chatting builds up expectations, possibly to an unreachable level,&quot; he says. &quot;The same goes for spending too much time texting your significant other; most people can't compete in person with the version of them you create in your head. Spending weeks chatting online are better served spending time in person where you can get a real feel for your chemistry without the buffer of text communications.&quot;</p> <p><em>What other relationship mistakes are we making but not talking about? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.</em></p> <br /><div id="custom_wisebread_footer"><div id="rss_tagline">This article is from <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/mikey-rox">Mikey Rox</a> of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/8-relationship-mistakes-everyone-makes">Wise Bread</a>, an award-winning personal finance and <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/credit-cards">credit card comparison</a> website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:</div><div class="view view-similarterms view-id-similarterms view-display-id-block_2 view-dom-id-1"> <div class="view-content"> <div class="item-list"> <ul> <li class="views-row views-row-1 views-row-odd views-row-first"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/the-things-that-money-just-cant-buy">The things that money just can&#039;t buy</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-2 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/14-ways-to-spend-less-money-on-valentines-day">14 Ways to Spend Less Money on Valentine&#039;s Day</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-3 views-row-odd"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/make-these-6-relationship-moves-now-or-youll-regret-it-in-20-years">Make These 6 Relationship Moves Now or You&#039;ll Regret It in 20 Years</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-4 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/weird-things-you-didnt-know-about-valentines-day">Weird Things You Didn&#039;t Know About Valentine&#039;s Day</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-5 views-row-odd views-row-last"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/mend-a-broken-heart-without-breaking-the-bank">Mend a Broken Heart Without Breaking the Bank</a></span> </div> </li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> </div><br/></br> Lifestyle breakups dating mistakes dating tips love relationships romance Mon, 21 Dec 2015 12:00:03 +0000 Mikey Rox 1621620 at http://www.wisebread.com Best Money Tips: Easy Habits for Better Relationships http://www.wisebread.com/best-money-tips-easy-habits-for-better-relationships <div class="field field-type-filefield field-field-blog-image"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item odd"> <a href="/best-money-tips-easy-habits-for-better-relationships" class="imagecache imagecache-250w imagecache-linked imagecache-250w_linked"><img src="http://wisebread.killeracesmedia.netdna-cdn.com/files/fruganomics/imagecache/250w/blog-images/happy_couple_winter_000073397965.jpg" alt="Couple learning easy habits for a better relationship" title="" class="imagecache imagecache-250w" width="250" height="140" /></a> </div> </div> </div> <p>Welcome to Wise Bread's <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/topic/best-money-tips">Best Money Tips</a> Roundup! Today we found easy habits that improve your relationships, what you should know about year-end charitable donations, and things that charismatic people do in conversations.</p> <h2>Top 5 Articles</h2> <p><a href="http://gretchenrubin.com/happiness_project/2015/12/5-habits-relationships/">5 Quick, Easy Habits That Have Actually Improved My Relationships.</a> &mdash; Giving a real hello and good-bye when someone comes and goes allows you and your loved ones several moments of connection each day. [Gretchen Rubin]</p> <p><a href="http://www.cleverdude.com/content/5-things-you-need-to-know-about-year-end-charitable-donations/">5 Things You Need To Know About Year End Charitable Donations</a> &mdash; Only donations to qualified charities are eligible to be claimed as tax deductions. [Clever Dude]</p> <p><a href="http://www.popsugar.com/smart-living/Things-Charismatic-People-Do-Conversation-39335012">5 Things Charismatic People Do in Conversations</a> &mdash; It's OK to show your vulnerability once in a while; it makes you more relatable. [PopSugar Smart Living]</p> <p><a href="http://moneyning.com/housing/looking-to-sell-your-home-winter-might-be-the-right-time/">Looking to Sell Your Home? Winter Might be the Right Time</a> &mdash; If you use a real estate agent, it's more likely that you'll get better service and more attention if you sell your home during the winter. MoneyNIng]</p> <p><a href="http://www.frugalvillage.com/2015/12/08/top-ten-most-expensive-habits-of-americans/">Top Ten Most Expensive Habits of Americans</a> &mdash; Many people are paying for things they don't use. Get rid of the gym membership, streaming subscription, and banana saver if you don't use them regularly. [Frugal Village]</p> <h2>Other Essential Reading</h2> <p><a href="http://www.shebudgets.com/lifestyle/shopping/10-stores-with-great-return-policies-for-holiday-shopping/65007">10 Stores With Great Return Policies for Holiday Shoppin</a>g &mdash; At Zappos, you have 365 days to return any purchase and shipping is always free. [SheBudgets]</p> <p><a href="http://www.northerncheapskate.com/how-to-pick-the-perfect-recipes-for-your-holiday-baking/">How to Pick the Perfect Recipes for Your Holiday Baking</a> &mdash; Choose holiday treats that use similar ingredients so you'll have a shorter shopping list and you can buy in bulk. [Northern Cheapskate]</p> <p><a href="http://www.lazymanandmoney.com/4-ways-to-save-money-on-car-expenses/">4 Ways to Save Money on Car Expenses</a> &mdash; Timing is crucial! The best time to buy a car is at the end of December. [Lazy Man and Money]</p> <p><a href="http://www.lifeoptimizer.org/2015/12/08/becoming-influential-in-career/">6 Tips to Becoming Influential in Your Career</a> &mdash; Share original studies and content to engage your online audience. [Life Optimizer]</p> <p><a href="http://parentingsquad.com/7-things-you-must-know-if-youre-traveling-internationally-with-kids">7 Things You Must Know if You're Traveling Internationally With Kids</a> &mdash; Meals can be challenging unless your kids are adventurous eaters. Prepare their palates by visiting local restaurants with foods from the countries you will travel to. [Parenting Squad]</p> <br /><div id="custom_wisebread_footer"><div id="rss_tagline">This article is from <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/amy-lu">Amy Lu</a> of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/best-money-tips-easy-habits-for-better-relationships">Wise Bread</a>, an award-winning personal finance and <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/credit-cards">credit card comparison</a> website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:</div><div class="view view-similarterms view-id-similarterms view-display-id-block_2 view-dom-id-8"> <div class="view-content"> <div class="item-list"> <ul> <li class="views-row views-row-1 views-row-odd views-row-first"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/spice-up-the-conversation-by-skipping-what-do-you-do">Spice Up the Conversation by Skipping &quot;What Do You Do?&quot;</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-2 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/how-to-deal-when-your-spouse-is-suffering-from-burnout">How to Deal When Your Spouse is Suffering From Burnout</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-3 views-row-odd"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/how-to-be-happy-and-married-24-tips-from-a-24-year-old-marriage">How to Be Happy and Married: 24 Tips from a 24-Year-Old Marriage</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-4 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/15-things-most-people-screw-up-when-meeting-the-parents">15 Things Most People Screw Up When Meeting the Parents</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-5 views-row-odd views-row-last"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/8-things-americans-were-better-at-in-the-1950s-than-today">8 Things Americans Were Better at in the 1950s Than Today</a></span> </div> </li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> </div><br/></br> Life Hacks best money tips relationships Thu, 10 Dec 2015 20:00:04 +0000 Amy Lu 1619179 at http://www.wisebread.com Make These 6 Relationship Moves Now or You'll Regret It in 20 Years http://www.wisebread.com/make-these-6-relationship-moves-now-or-youll-regret-it-in-20-years <div class="field field-type-filefield field-field-blog-image"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item odd"> <a href="/make-these-6-relationship-moves-now-or-youll-regret-it-in-20-years" class="imagecache imagecache-250w imagecache-linked imagecache-250w_linked"><img src="http://wisebread.killeracesmedia.netdna-cdn.com/files/fruganomics/imagecache/250w/blog-images/happy_couple_000032796334.jpg" alt="Couple making relationship moves now before they regret it " title="" class="imagecache imagecache-250w" width="250" height="140" /></a> </div> </div> </div> <p>There's no science to relationships. That said, communication is key to keeping you and your significant other together and happy in the face of everyday setbacks. If the goal is to grow old together in matching rocking chairs, then make these six relationship moves or you'll regret it in 20 years. (See also: <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/avoid-these-5-pitfalls-when-moving-in-together?ref=seealso">Avoid These 5 Pitfalls When Moving in Together</a>)</p> <h2>1. Speak Up and Say No</h2> <p>Being assertive with your wants and needs is just as important as being compassionate and considerate of your partner's needs. This goes for both big and small topics: You don't like carnations, but you keep getting them on your birthday. You grin and bear it through <em>The Big Bang Theory, </em>because it's their favorite show. Your partner wants kids and you don't. Your partner wants a house in their home state someday and you don't want to move. This is also true with intimacy preferences. If you've tried something in bed enough times to know you don't like it, speak up &mdash; sexual incompatibility is a chief cause for many breakups and divorces. It's better to address it now.</p> <p><strong>What this prevents</strong>: A sense of obligation to do something you don't like. If it goes long enough, resentment and hostility will bubble up to the surface. Your partner will also be upset, because you didn't articulate your wants and needs in the first place.</p> <h2>2. Delete Your Dating Apps</h2> <p>We all know someone in a relationship who still flips through OKCupid and Match, or swipes through Tinder or Grindr after a beer or two. Why are you still there? If you don't think the relationship is working out, then it might be time to end it. Most people in a committed relationship would expect their partners to at least ignore those websites and unsubscribe to their emails. At the end of the day, you put yourself in a position that calls your trustworthiness into question.</p> <p><strong>What this prevents</strong>: Possibly unwarranted accusations of cheating. If you're not in an open or poly relationship, you could lose your partner's trust.</p> <h2>3. Schedule Date Nights</h2> <p>Ugh, date nights, right? They sound as if they would suck the romance out of your currently stable and happy relationship. However, after a few years, there's always a slump. Every couple faces it and wonders, <em>are we still in love</em>? You get so comfortable that you forget to celebrate each other and the love that you share. Ideally, couples would automatically set aside one night per week (or at least per month) as a special date night. It could be any date ritual that is important to you. It's fun to dress up a little and go somewhere to show each other off.</p> <p><strong>What this prevents</strong>: Boredom, loneliness, and the dreaded &quot;We never go anywhere!&quot; fights.</p> <h2>4. Sort Out Your Finances Together</h2> <p>No one likes doing this. Instead, we make assumptions and hope for the best until a surprise comes our way. This is a recipe for disaster if you're planning to be in a relationship for the long haul with someone. Even if you aren't married, you should be upfront about debt, savings goals, budgets, and spending habits. Be willing to share and take advice from each other. If anyone has a decent chance at helping you improve your finances, it's a loving partner who shares your goals.</p> <p><strong>What this prevents</strong>: The unwelcome surprise that your partner has $100,000 in student loan debt, which will exacerbate the already stressful fights over spending, bills, and savings down the road.</p> <h2>5. Share a Hobby</h2> <p>It's always a good idea to share activities that remind you why you liked each other in the first place. Do you both collect art? Do you both enjoy hunting? Do you both want to learn a skill? Find an affordable and fun thing that you can enjoy together on a basic level, as <em>friends.</em> Because friendship is the solid base of any romantic relationship. Share opinions and help each other grow at your chosen skill. This might sound like a recreational &quot;elective,&quot; but consider how much closer sharing a passion or collaborating toward a goal could bring you together.</p> <p><strong>What this prevents</strong>: Lack of shared purpose beyond the household, which can lead to resentment and estrangement. Or, having fights about one partner being &quot;too into&quot; a hobby that excludes the other.</p> <h2>6. Know When It's Over</h2> <p>There are a myriad of reasons why you could want to end a relationship. Perhaps your life goals don't mesh, or one of you won't go to couple's therapy, or you're no longer having sex. If something is a dealbreaker for you, you have to declare it as such. If you've already talked through your needs in an open and compassionate way many times before, with no results, you need the courage to end the relationship, because it's what's best for both of you. Don't hang on waiting for a force majeure to occur. That's how people remain in relationships with abusive or emotionally absent partners. No one deserves that.</p> <p><strong>What this prevents</strong>: Feeling trapped in a stagnant, unloving, or toxic relationship for years.</p> <p><em>What are you doing to keep your relationship fresh and strong for the long haul?</em></p> <br /><div id="custom_wisebread_footer"><div id="rss_tagline">This article is from <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/amanda-meadows">Amanda Meadows</a> of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/make-these-6-relationship-moves-now-or-youll-regret-it-in-20-years">Wise Bread</a>, an award-winning personal finance and <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/credit-cards">credit card comparison</a> website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:</div><div class="view view-similarterms view-id-similarterms view-display-id-block_2 view-dom-id-7"> <div class="view-content"> <div class="item-list"> <ul> <li class="views-row views-row-1 views-row-odd views-row-first"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/10-relationship-rules-you-should-be-breaking">10 Relationship Rules You Should Be Breaking</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-2 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/avoid-these-5-pitfalls-when-moving-in-together">Avoid These 5 Pitfalls When Moving in Together</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-3 views-row-odd"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/happily-ever-after-how-to-stay-married-for-29-years-and-counting">Happily Ever After: How to Stay Married for 29 Years (and Counting)</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-4 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/11-signs-you-need-to-dump-your-friend">11 Signs You Need to Dump Your Friend</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-5 views-row-odd views-row-last"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/fixing-mistakes-7-steps-for-any-situation">Fixing Mistakes: 7 Steps for Any Situation</a></span> </div> </li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> </div><br/></br> Personal Development advice Dating love relationships tips Wed, 28 Oct 2015 15:15:19 +0000 Amanda Meadows 1601081 at http://www.wisebread.com Avoid These 5 Pitfalls When Moving in Together http://www.wisebread.com/avoid-these-5-pitfalls-when-moving-in-together <div class="field field-type-filefield field-field-blog-image"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item odd"> <a href="/avoid-these-5-pitfalls-when-moving-in-together" class="imagecache imagecache-250w imagecache-linked imagecache-250w_linked"><img src="http://wisebread.killeracesmedia.netdna-cdn.com/files/fruganomics/imagecache/250w/blog-images/couple_fighting_000051175734.jpg" alt="Couple trying to avoid relationship pitfalls when moving in together" title="" class="imagecache imagecache-250w" width="250" height="140" /></a> </div> </div> </div> <p>Moving in with the person you love is a huge step! In fact, it's so huge that we get too swept up in the excitement to really look at the gritty details. These are five things you should never do when moving in together.</p> <h2>1. Don't Avoid Organizing Your Stuff Before the Move</h2> <p>This is one of the most useful things you can do to avoid fights about belongings down the line. You must be willing to self-edit (and to help your partner self-edit) before schlepping all your stuff into a new place where it may not all fit. Clean house and decide which items of yours are most important to keep, so you can make room for the new items you'll acquire as a cohabiting couple.</p> <p>Remember these key categories: Keep, Sell, Donate, and Toss. Keep items such as any clothing you have actually worn in the past year, or big ticket furniture items you can't spare. Sell items of some value that are either redundant or no longer needed. Donate items like new clothing you haven't worn in the last year, shoes, books, and anything not worth taking time to <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/the-5-best-things-to-buy-or-sell-on-craigslist">sell on Craigslist</a> or a yard sale. Toss pretty much everything else! Let your partner have a veto option.</p> <h2>2. Don't Reject Your Significant Other's Red Flags</h2> <p>This can range from extremely small to extremely big issues. To some, a loud snore could potentially be a deal breaker; but harboring an addiction to pills could go undetected for years before finally moving in with someone. It comes down to how well you know each other. What are your partner's triggers and soft spots, and will you be able to work around them? </p> <p>For some, a series of talks is all you need to answer questions like, &quot;How will our work schedules mesh?&quot; Or, &quot;Can we share a bedroom or do we need separate spaces as well?&quot; Or, &quot;Who will be in charge of the bills?&quot;</p> <p>There are also elephants in the room that you must address. For example: If your significant other has a child, you will need to be a part of the child's life. Is that something you're ready to do?</p> <p>Another example: If your partner has a disability, how will it affect your responsibilities to them and the home?</p> <p>Maybe you're the one with a lot red flags. Don't react defensively &ndash; deeply consider your partner's needs and decide if they are workable for you. You can't just hope it will all fall into place.</p> <h2>3. Don't Assume Finances Will Work Themselves Out</h2> <p>Finances are the largest source of stress and arguments in every household. Yours will not be an exception. While you're not legally obligated to each other's money, you do need to share some pertinent information with your significant other before you set up your household system. <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/5-life-mistakes-you-need-to-stop-making-by-30">Are you in massive debt</a>? Are you terrible at managing bills?</p> <p>If you're the organized one who has their bills set up on auto-pay, you're probably going to be the one to shepherd the other into a better system. Try setting up an automatic monthly transfer from your partner's bank account to yours to ensure you get their share of the rent and bills on time. Don't think of this as babysitting; think of this as an investment of your time and expertise into avoiding future fights when the lights suddenly get shut-off!</p> <h2>4. Don't Let One Person Do All the Housework</h2> <p>This is a tough one that inevitably happens to most new couples. Whoever gets sick of staring at the unending tower of dirty dishes first is ultimately the one who cleans them. That's not fair, but it's really easy to get stuck into imbalanced patterns like this when living together.</p> <p>Have a discussion, before moving in, about housekeeping equality. Who takes out the trash? Who does the dishes? (Hint: if you don't own a dishwasher, I suggest it's whoever didn't cook the meal.) Who fixes the bookcase when it starts to teeter? These are tasks that have nothing to do with gender or who earns more money. It's usually whoever can do it with the least amount of goading. If neither of you wants to clean, agree to split the cost of a monthly cleaning service and never fight about dusting again.</p> <h2>5. Don't Pretend You're Married</h2> <p>This is a hard one. Many people see shacking up as a stepping stone to marriage, and for many, it is. This is a great time to test each other's willingness to compromise, generosity with belongings, and emotional, sexual, and financial compatibility on an everyday level. This is all invaluable.</p> <p>But it doesn't mean that you're married. Avoid forming unhealthy, codependent habits with him or her. Your stuff doesn't belong to your partner, nor theirs to you. You have a choice in every decision that doesn't necessarily have to include your partner. You can hang in there and try to make a relationship work, but you can always leave if it isn't going well. That's the whole point, isn't it?</p> <p><em>Did you fall into any of these traps when you moved in with a significant other?</em></p> <br /><div id="custom_wisebread_footer"><div id="rss_tagline">This article is from <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/amanda-meadows">Amanda Meadows</a> of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/avoid-these-5-pitfalls-when-moving-in-together">Wise Bread</a>, an award-winning personal finance and <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/credit-cards">credit card comparison</a> website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:</div><div class="view view-similarterms view-id-similarterms view-display-id-block_2 view-dom-id-10"> <div class="view-content"> <div class="item-list"> <ul> <li class="views-row views-row-1 views-row-odd views-row-first"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/make-these-6-relationship-moves-now-or-youll-regret-it-in-20-years">Make These 6 Relationship Moves Now or You&#039;ll Regret It in 20 Years</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-2 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/10-relationship-rules-you-should-be-breaking">10 Relationship Rules You Should Be Breaking</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-3 views-row-odd"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/10-tips-for-balancing-love-and-money">10 Tips for Balancing Love and Money</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-4 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/5-scientific-reasons-to-ditch-the-luxury-brands">5 Scientific Reasons to Ditch the Luxury Brands</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-5 views-row-odd views-row-last"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/11-signs-you-need-to-dump-your-friend">11 Signs You Need to Dump Your Friend</a></span> </div> </li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> </div><br/></br> Frugal Living Personal Development Dating finance housing living arrangements moving moving in relationships Mon, 12 Oct 2015 17:00:44 +0000 Amanda Meadows 1586180 at http://www.wisebread.com 6 Things to Never Do When Sharing Finances http://www.wisebread.com/6-things-to-never-do-when-sharing-finances <div class="field field-type-filefield field-field-blog-image"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item odd"> <a href="/6-things-to-never-do-when-sharing-finances" class="imagecache imagecache-250w imagecache-linked imagecache-250w_linked"><img src="http://wisebread.killeracesmedia.netdna-cdn.com/files/fruganomics/imagecache/250w/blog-images/happy_couple_piggybank_000055685026.jpg" alt="Couple learning what no to do when sharing finances" title="" class="imagecache imagecache-250w" width="250" height="140" /></a> </div> </div> </div> <p>Getting married or moving in together implies that you're ready to share your life and living space with another person. It also usually means sharing finances.</p> <p>Merging your income with your partner's is by far one of the fastest ways to upgrade your lifestyle. If you were struggling to make ends meet on your own, you might finally have a chance to get ahead &mdash; or at least catch up. But while combining your incomes and sharing finances has its benefits, success is all in how you approach the plan.</p> <p>Every couple has to come up with a strategy that works for them. There are no hard-and-fast rules, and a system that works well for one couple might not work for another. To give yourself a fighting chance of striking the right balance, here are six things you should never do when sharing finances.</p> <h2>1. Don't Think an Even Split Is Always the Answer</h2> <p>Some people think a 50/50 split is the most reasonable and simplest way to share finances, like when couples open a joint account and then contribute equal amounts toward their shared expenses. Sounds pretty fair, right? Except 50/50 isn't also an equitable solution, and it really depends on how much you earn in comparison to your partner.</p> <p>An even-split might work if you and your partner earn roughly the same salary. But if one person earns considerably more than the other, an even-split can create an unfair balance, where one has a lot of disposable income, and the other can't keep his or her head above water. Before you can share finances, you have to discuss what's coming in and what's going out (including what each person spends on personal expenses). With everything on the table and all your expenses written down, you might conclude as a couple that a 50/50 split isn't realistic and choose a different approach, perhaps a 60/40 split or another breakdown that works for you.</p> <h2>2. Don't Lie About How Much You Owe</h2> <p>You need to be perfectly honest about how much you owe before sharing finances; this isn't the time to be embarrassed about your <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/7-personal-finance-lessons-women-learn-in-their-30s">credit card debt</a>. Coming up with a system that works requires that both of you are upfront about personal expenses. Sugarcoating your debt and saying you owe less than you actually do can throw off the entire household. And if you're hiding monthly payments, your partner might eventually question where your extra money goes.</p> <p>Furthermore, lying about debt can destroy the financial trust in the relationship. In my opinion this is something that should be discussed when the relationship gets serious &mdash; not just when you've decided to open a joint account. If you're talking engagement, you should also be talking about your financial past &mdash; bottom line. Not the most romantic of subjects, granted, but still necessary.</p> <h2>3. Don't Lie About How Much You Earn</h2> <p>Understating how much you earn can also break the financial trust between you and your partner just like lying about how much you owe. If you're splitting expenses based on your incomes, don't lie and say you earn less than you do to avoid paying your fair share of the expenses. You might be able to get away with this lie for a bit, but your partner will most likely uncover the deceit. The truth will eventually come out if you apply for a mortgage together and have to disclose your accurate income, or if you decide to file a joint tax return down the road.</p> <h2>4. Don't Give One Person Control of the Money</h2> <p>It doesn't matter who's better with money, it's important for both of you to have an active role in managing shared finances. Putting one person in complete control of the money is dangerous and can trigger a financial imbalance. If it's easier for one person to write all the checks, fine. Just make sure you both have an accurate picture of the finances, and no one should be left in the dark. Don't wait until your credit score tanks to question whether your partner is making on-time payments. Both of you need access to the checkbooks and online accounts so you always know what's going on with your money.</p> <h2>5. Don't Forget to Leave a Buffer</h2> <p>Dollar signs probably will pop into your head after moving in together and combining your incomes. But just because you now have a combined household income of $70,000 doesn't mean you should spend $70,000 a year. Whether you're paying your own way or sharing expenses, never live at your max. Instead, think about how you can live off half or 3/4 of your combined income and plan to save the rest. This can help you build a sizable cash cushion for yourselves, and you wouldn't have to worry about living paycheck-to-paycheck.</p> <p>Since money is one of the biggest causes of arguments in a relationship, this strategy can help keep those at bay if both of you are on the same page and committed to your partnership's financial success.</p> <h2>6. Don't Immediately Share Credit Cards</h2> <p>Sharing finances doesn't mean you have to share everything &mdash; at least not immediately. You also need to protect yourself financially. So before applying for a credit card together or adding your partner's name to your credit card, seriously consider his or her shopping habits. When you share a credit card with your partner, you're just as responsible for debt he or she incurs. And if you let your partner borrow your credit card, you're ultimately responsible for any and all charges on this account. Sharing a credit card isn't the worst thing in the world, just make sure you're both willing to take responsibility for the balance, regardless of who charges what.</p> <p><em>Do you have more suggestions on what not to do when sharing finances? Let me know in the comments below.</em></p> <br /><div id="custom_wisebread_footer"><div id="rss_tagline">This article is from <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/mikey-rox">Mikey Rox</a> of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/6-things-to-never-do-when-sharing-finances">Wise Bread</a>, an award-winning personal finance and <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/credit-cards">credit card comparison</a> website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:</div><div class="view view-similarterms view-id-similarterms view-display-id-block_2 view-dom-id-3"> <div class="view-content"> <div class="item-list"> <ul> <li class="views-row views-row-1 views-row-odd views-row-first"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/3-simple-ways-to-split-bills-with-your-spouse">3 Simple Ways to Split Bills With Your Spouse</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-2 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/could-a-divorce-improve-your-finances">Could a Divorce Improve Your Finances?</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-3 views-row-odd"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/5-questions-couples-should-ask-in-the-money-talk">5 Questions Couples Should Ask in the Money Talk</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-4 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/how-to-navigate-3-common-money-arguments-with-your-significant-other">How to Navigate 3 Common Money Arguments With Your Significant Other</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-5 views-row-odd views-row-last"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/what-to-do-before-moving-in-with-someone">What to Do Before Moving in With Someone</a></span> </div> </li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> </div><br/></br> Personal Finance marriage moving in together relationships sharing finances sharing money splitting bills Fri, 02 Oct 2015 11:00:29 +0000 Mikey Rox 1573086 at http://www.wisebread.com How Much Should You Actually Be Spending on a Date? http://www.wisebread.com/how-much-should-you-actually-be-spending-on-a-date <div class="field field-type-filefield field-field-blog-image"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item odd"> <a href="/how-much-should-you-actually-be-spending-on-a-date" class="imagecache imagecache-250w imagecache-linked imagecache-250w_linked"><img src="http://wisebread.killeracesmedia.netdna-cdn.com/files/fruganomics/imagecache/250w/blog-images/happy_couple_balloons_000043029394.jpg" alt="Couple learning how much to spend on a date" title="" class="imagecache imagecache-250w" width="250" height="140" /></a> </div> </div> </div> <p>Going on a date at the end of a long week can be the perfect stress reliever. However, when you're spending half of what you're making trying to impress your date, you'll just go broke and regret every penny you spent. Fortunately, we've found some ways for you to figure out how much you should splurge this weekend &mdash; and how to get the most out of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/find-love-with-these-fun-and-cheap-first-date-ideas">every date night opportunity</a>.</p> <h2>1. Know What the Average Person Spends</h2> <p>Your paycheck should govern how much you can afford. Cosmopolitan found that men spend about $80 on a first date, on average. Other sources suggest that the typical person spends between $50&ndash;$100 on date night, occurring on average once a month. However, according to Match.com, 58% of women don't even want an expensive date.</p> <h2>2. Shell Out a Bit More on Your First Date</h2> <p>A first date is different than every date that follows. Spending freely on your first date is a great way to show your date that you are serious, but it doesn't mean that you need to continue spending the same amount on future dates. After all, you don't want to be too frugal on the first date, which can make you seem cheap. On the other hand, if you tend to have a lot of first dates, you may want to rein in your spending.</p> <h2>3. Budget for Special Occasions</h2> <p>Special occasions like Valentine's Day and Christmas will have higher associated price tags. If you decide to go on a date during one of these expensive holidays, you can expect to spend more. In fact, some restaurants will even offer a special holiday menu, with more expensive entrees. Plan your budget proactively if you intend on spending more lavishly on special occasions.</p> <h2>4. Consider Your Location</h2> <p>Dating in Los Angeles, New York, Boston, Washington DC, and other large cities will cost you more. This is especially the case when you factor in the cost of public transportation, tipping, and the higher cost of food and entertainment in these large cities. You will have to take into account where you live when you are coming up with a budget for the weekend.</p> <h2>5. Set Personal Rules</h2> <p>The best way to limit your spending is to set rules for yourself. For instance, you can decide that you won't spend more than $20 on a weeknight date, but can spend up to $50 on a weekend date. The only way to determine how much to spend is to take into account your personal finances, income, and what you feel comfortable spending. The last thing you want to do is run up high credit card bills just trying to impress your date.</p> <h2>6. Have Fun Without the Expense</h2> <p>A simple way to reduce your spending would simply be to limit how often you go out. However, if you budget well and take advantage of affordable (or free) dates, then you can go out much more often. Casual dates (such as lunch dates) are more affordable, allowing you to go out more often. They are also more laid back, so you can get to know your date better.</p> <p>We have also found some of the best ways to impress your date for less than $20, so you can take them out whenever you have time (instead of whenever you have money):</p> <ul> <li>Book a free tour;</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Rent a pair of bikes;</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Find a great rooftop hangout;</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Go to a food, film, music, or art festival;</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Research your local area on Yelp or online to find cheap, highly rated places near you;</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Use Groupon, Living Social, Amazon Deals, and Yelp Deals to find deals for food, shopping, and events near you;</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Take advantage of free dates, like hiking or a day at the beach;</li> </ul> <ul> <li>Show off your cooking skills instead of dining out.</li> </ul> <h2>7. Make It About the Experience</h2> <p>Try not to let your feelings for your date cloud your judgment on how much you should spend. Just because they're worth a million bucks doesn't mean you should spend that. You should find a partner that is worth your time, not just your money. Then, the price tag won't seem so important.</p> <p>Going for coffee and dessert won't cost you more than $20 and can set the stage for a romantic experience and healthy conversation. Remember, your date is not about a price tag; it's about the experience shared. Spending lots of money on the date isn't important. What is important is that you work to create a memorable experience for you both that will help strengthen your future relationship.</p> <p><em>How do you determine how much you should spend on your date? Please share your thoughts in the comments!</em></p> <br /><div id="custom_wisebread_footer"><div id="rss_tagline">This article is from <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/andrea-cannon">Andrea Cannon</a> of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/how-much-should-you-actually-be-spending-on-a-date">Wise Bread</a>, an award-winning personal finance and <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/credit-cards">credit card comparison</a> website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:</div><div class="view view-similarterms view-id-similarterms view-display-id-block_2 view-dom-id-7"> <div class="view-content"> <div class="item-list"> <ul> <li class="views-row views-row-1 views-row-odd views-row-first"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/spice-up-the-conversation-by-skipping-what-do-you-do">Spice Up the Conversation by Skipping &quot;What Do You Do?&quot;</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-2 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/14-ways-to-spend-less-money-on-valentines-day">14 Ways to Spend Less Money on Valentine&#039;s Day</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-3 views-row-odd"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/avoid-these-5-pitfalls-when-moving-in-together">Avoid These 5 Pitfalls When Moving in Together</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-4 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/50-ways-to-have-free-outdoor-fun">50+ Ways to Have Free Outdoor Fun</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-5 views-row-odd views-row-last"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/8-fun-and-cheap-things-to-do-during-the-weekday">8 Fun and Cheap Things to Do During the Weekday</a></span> </div> </li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> </div><br/></br> Entertainment Lifestyle date night Dating frugal fun going out relationships Wed, 23 Sep 2015 17:00:25 +0000 Andrea Cannon 1567470 at http://www.wisebread.com 6 Ways Regular Budget Meetings Might Save Your Marriage http://www.wisebread.com/6-ways-regular-budget-meetings-might-save-your-marriage <div class="field field-type-filefield field-field-blog-image"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item odd"> <a href="/6-ways-regular-budget-meetings-might-save-your-marriage" class="imagecache imagecache-250w imagecache-linked imagecache-250w_linked"><img src="http://wisebread.killeracesmedia.netdna-cdn.com/files/fruganomics/imagecache/250w/blog-images/couple_budgeting_000047207918.jpg" alt="Couple having regular budget meetings to save their marriage" title="" class="imagecache imagecache-250w" width="250" height="140" /></a> </div> </div> </div> <p>Your spouse just spent $700 on a new laptop, without checking in with you first. Or maybe you're the culprit, racking up $250 of new credit card purchases last month that weren't in your household budget.</p> <p>Whoever is at fault, such unexpected financial missteps are a leading source of tension in any relationship. But there is a way to eliminate these unwanted financial surprises: regular budget meetings between you and your partner.</p> <p>Holding a weekly or monthly budget meeting doesn't sound like the best way to spend an evening. But such meetings are important. Regular budget meetings can help couples stay on track when it comes to paying off debt, building savings, and stowing away dollars for retirement.</p> <p>&quot;I find that couples who get along the best financially speaking are those who communicate openly and freely when it comes to their finances,&quot; said Kevin Murphy, senior financial services consultant with McGraw-Hill Federal Credit Union in East Windsor, New Jersey. &quot;Couples should discuss their goals and set a plan together.&quot;</p> <p>Married couples argue about a host of subjects. But <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/heres-how-delaying-marriage-or-kids-saves-you-money">financial matters</a> often top the list, which is why a regular budget meeting can make your marriage a happier one. These money meetings increase the odds that you and your partner will be working toward the same financial goals, and that one or both of you won't be overspending on a regular basis.</p> <p>The best news? These budget meetings don't have to be unpleasant. Here are some tips on holding successful budget meetings.</p> <h2>1. Set a Regular Time</h2> <p>Agree to hold your household budget meetings at a regular time, whether it's every Thursday night, every two weeks, or once a month. If you don't schedule your budget meetings as you would any other appointment, life will get in the way. If you're like most couples, you'll sit down to a Netflix movie and blow off the money meeting. Try to aim for meeting once a week or, at the least, once a month.</p> <h2>2. Give Them a Time Limit</h2> <p>Your partner might imagine a budget meeting lasting into the wee hours of the evening as you both pore over every credit card purchase and ATM withdrawal. No one wants to talk money for hours. Instead, put a set time limit on your regular budget meetings, perhaps limiting the meeting to a maximum of one hour. If you meet frequently enough, 60 minutes should be more than enough time to go over your household finances.</p> <h2>3. No Blame Game</h2> <p>Some people are better at sticking to a budget. That's a fact. Partners who make those extra purchases every month might shy away from budget meetings because they don't want to be lectured for an entire hour on their recent financial missteps. Refrain from using budget meetings to blame each other for financial setbacks. Instead, use the time to craft a budget that works for everyone. If your partner is regularly blowing the budget, ask what you both can do to resolve the problem.</p> <h2>4. Make It Realistic</h2> <p>Maybe your partner overspends each month because your household budget is too tight, and doesn't leave any room for fun or unnecessary purchases. Use your regular meetings to tweak your budget so that it works for your household. A household budget is always a work-in-progress. It's okay, and even advisable, to make regular changes to it. If your household budget isn't working, use your meetings to adjust it so that it does.</p> <h2>5. Come Prepared</h2> <p>You'll need actual numbers to hold a successful budget meeting. So print out credit card statements, bank statements, and other important documents. Bring bills that need to be paid in the next several days, too. Armed with this information, you and your partner can make the best financial decisions for the weeks ahead.</p> <h2>6. Eliminate the Distractions</h2> <p>It's not easy holding a budget meeting when your kids are asking for snacks or your dog is whining for a walk. Finish the household chores before your budget meeting. You want a quiet block of time so you can focus. If your meeting is interrupted by too many distractions, you'll be tempted to cut it short before you address your family's most important financial matters.</p> <p><em>Do you and your partner hold regular budget meetings?</em></p> <br /><div id="custom_wisebread_footer"><div id="rss_tagline">This article is from <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/dan-rafter">Dan Rafter</a> of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/6-ways-regular-budget-meetings-might-save-your-marriage">Wise Bread</a>, an award-winning personal finance and <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/credit-cards">credit card comparison</a> website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:</div><div class="view view-similarterms view-id-similarterms view-display-id-block_2 view-dom-id-13"> <div class="view-content"> <div class="item-list"> <ul> <li class="views-row views-row-1 views-row-odd views-row-first"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/could-a-divorce-improve-your-finances">Could a Divorce Improve Your Finances?</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-2 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/5-questions-couples-should-ask-in-the-money-talk">5 Questions Couples Should Ask in the Money Talk</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-3 views-row-odd"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/10-relationship-rules-you-should-be-breaking">10 Relationship Rules You Should Be Breaking</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-4 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/how-to-navigate-3-common-money-arguments-with-your-significant-other">How to Navigate 3 Common Money Arguments With Your Significant Other</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-5 views-row-odd views-row-last"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/6-time-tested-ways-to-make-a-relationship-work">6 Time-Tested Ways to Make a Relationship Work</a></span> </div> </li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> </div><br/></br> Budgeting Personal Development marriage meetings money relationships spouse Fri, 21 Aug 2015 15:00:33 +0000 Dan Rafter 1526967 at http://www.wisebread.com 11 Signs You Need to Dump Your Friend http://www.wisebread.com/11-signs-you-need-to-dump-your-friend <div class="field field-type-filefield field-field-blog-image"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item odd"> <a href="/11-signs-you-need-to-dump-your-friend" class="imagecache imagecache-250w imagecache-linked imagecache-250w_linked"><img src="http://wisebread.killeracesmedia.netdna-cdn.com/files/fruganomics/imagecache/250w/blog-images/woman_arguing_friend_000056429574.jpg" alt="Woman realizing it&#039;s time to dump her friend" title="" class="imagecache imagecache-250w" width="250" height="140" /></a> </div> </div> </div> <p>Having good friends is an important piece of the lifestyle puzzle. For some of us, <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/10-types-of-friends-who-are-costing-you-money">our friends</a> are closer to us than our family members, and we share much of our life's up and downs with them.</p> <p>Not all &quot;friends&quot; are the same, however. Every once in a while you come across an individual who seems benign in the beginning, but eventually reveals himself to be a devil in disguise. (Or just, you know, isn't a great fit for you.) Here are some of the signs that you're keeping bunk company.</p> <h2>1. They're Talking Smack Behind Your Back</h2> <p>Gutter-dwelling gossip was par for the course in high school, but now that you're a real-life adult it shouldn't have any place in your life. &quot;Frenemies&quot; might sound fun in theory &mdash; the people on TV are having a great time stabbing each other in the back between air kisses, after all &mdash; but it's an immature status to put on your relationships. If you suspect that a friend is tarnishing your good name, confront them. Maybe it's a misunderstanding you both can get past. If it's not a case of miscommunication but rather one of Mean Girl/Boy-itis, accept the situation for what it is and kick Regina George to the curb.</p> <h2>2. They Don't Invite You to Do Anything</h2> <p>I'm speaking from experience on this one, and it became such a chronic situation with several people when I'd invite them to parties, events, and on dates with no reciprocation that I had to do major friend housekeeping (and a bit of soul-searching) a few years ago to remedy it.</p> <p>My &quot;Aha!&quot; moment stemmed from an annual holiday party I used to host at my home in Manhattan. I'd invite everyone &mdash; friends, colleagues, acquaintances &mdash; and we'd have a blast drinking, eating, and laughing all night long. While I didn't mind not hearing much from colleagues and acquaintances frequently (we weren't &quot;friends,&quot; so I couldn't expect much), I did expect some level of return friendship from those who I thought were, well, my friends.</p> <p>Outside of the holiday party, I'd invite them over for game and movie nights, we'd go out to brunch or a movie, and I'd lend a hand when needed. Yet, I was rarely-to-never invited to the things they were doing that they proudly posted all over social media. Of course my feelings were hurt, and the pain evolved into anger. They didn't mind drinking my booze and eating my food and using my free movie coupons, but I wasn't good enough to think about otherwise. Thus, I had to make a conscious decision to cut those people out of my life if only to stop feeling sorry for myself. Yeah, it sucked, but I'm much more content with the quality of people I have in my life now opposed to the quantity I had back then.</p> <h2>3. They're Not There for You When You Need Them</h2> <p>Friends not inviting you to do things is a red flag for sure, but friends not being there for you when you need them most is a three-alarm fire that needs to be extinguished immediately.</p> <p>&quot;Having close friends is not just about having fun together but also supporting each other when times are tough,&quot; says John Boese, founder of friend-making social media site&nbsp;<a href="http://www.gofindfriends.com">GoFindFriends</a>. &quot;Great relationships involve both friends supporting each other in times of need. If the relationship feels one-sided, look for someone who wants to build a real relationship that will last through good times and bad.&quot;</p> <p>The rough times are the ones where you'll find out who your true friends are, as they say. If you wanted a particular presence and that person purposefully wasn't around, bury that broken friendship with whatever tragedy you just went through. Time to move on.</p> <h2>4. They Don't Respect Agreements or Boundaries</h2> <p>It may seem like an innocent oversight when a friend borrows something of yours and &quot;forgets&quot; to return it, but if it's a consistent problem, the issue should be addressed. Same goes for crossed boundaries. Did your friend push too far without so much as an apology? Nip that problem in the bud, too.</p> <p>&quot;During any kind of relationship, boundaries become established by both parties communicating what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior,&quot; says Ilianna Luna, licensed marriage and family therapist. &quot;A friend will know your likes and dislikes, and if he or she hurts you by doing something you don't like &mdash; and does nothing to make amends &mdash; it's time to speak up and let him or her know you don't want that kind of friendship.&quot;</p> <h2>5. They're Emotionally Draining</h2> <p>Ever had a friend that you started to avoid because every time you're with that person the conversation is so emotionally draining that you wish God would invent a whiskey swimming pool?</p> <p>Rest assured, we all have one of those. Dr. Ben Michaelis, clinical psychologist and author of the book&nbsp;<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1440540764/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=1440540764&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=wisbre03-20&amp;linkId=T7ELL6G5QBWHFWMT">Your Next Big Thing: 10 Small Steps to Get Moving and Get Happy</a>, offers advice.</p> <p>&quot;None of us wants to see friends and family as having a negative influence on our lives, but if they are holding us back from being truly happy and fulfilled, we need to take a hard look at the role they play,&quot; he says. &quot;Be honest with yourself and take a look at the relationships that may not be right for you, or which you may have outgrown. You can't force or expect your friends and family to change, but you can make choices about who you choose to let into your life.&quot;</p> <h2>6. They're Overly Critical of You</h2> <p>There's an old saying that implies that we're our own worst critics (I know I am) &mdash; so why the heck would we want somebody else judging us? Nerp. Turn that harsh bus around, anti-friend.</p> <p>&quot;An occasional constructive comment is fine, but friends who constantly make you feel bad about yourself are not worth your time,&quot; Boese says. &quot;If they often criticize you for how you act, look, or how you choose to live your life, then it's probably best to find someone who is more supportive.&quot;</p> <h2>7. They're Jealous of Your Life</h2> <p>You think you've made a great new friend, but before you know it she's living in your house, breastfeeding your newborn baby, putting the moves on your husband, framing your handyman, and plotting the murder of your bestie in the greenhouse. Okay, so that's the plot of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/6305213305/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=6305213305&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=wisbre03-20&amp;linkId=JR7P37AY7GBBZMSF">The Hand That Rocks the Cradle</a>, but if you're not careful the same scenario could totally happen to you.</p> <p>If you suspect that there's an unhealthy jealousy between you and a friend, it's time to back away from that friendship. There's very little you can do to make that person not jealous (notwithstanding the fact that it's totally creeper to be jealous of a friend in the first place, of course), and it could get ugly down the line. You don't want to have to push the weirdo off the roof, do you? Back away from the friendship slowly and say so long.</p> <h2>8. They Have a &quot;Me-Me-Me&quot; Attitude</h2> <p>&quot;Some people seem to make everything about themselves,&quot; Boese says. &quot;Your conversations always end up focusing on them and you may even struggle to get a word in while they're speaking. This can lead to an unequal relationship where you're getting out of it much less than you're putting in. It's best to find someone who understands the give-and-take of building a strong, lasting relationship.&quot;</p> <p>Alas, Luna offers a more congenial way of handling people with SPD or Selfish Personality Disorder (not a realdisorder, but it is).</p> <p>&quot;When one friend constantly takes from the relationship but gives nothing back, it becomes a breeding ground for resentment and back-stabbing,&quot; she says. &quot;In all fairness, you should let the person know they have hijacked the friendship and give them a chance to change. They may not know they are doing it. If you bring it up in a non-threatening way and the friend continues disregarding your thoughts and feelings, it's time to end it.&quot;</p> <h2>9. They Court the Kind of Drama Fit for Primetime TV</h2> <p>I'm gonna be honest and tell you that I sort of wish I lived in a world where <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00T6KIK4S/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B00T6KIK4S&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=wisbre03-20&amp;linkId=75YTM3LBVBEBY7JO">Empire</a> and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=as_li_ss_tl?_encoding=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;fst=as%3Aoff&amp;keywords=Dallas&amp;linkCode=ur2&amp;qid=1433516884&amp;rh=n%3A2625373011%2Cp_n_format_browse-bin%3A2650304011%2Ck%3ADallas&amp;rnid=2941120011&amp;tag=wisbre03-20&amp;linkId=BKQE3I3BYOQ4M75E">Dallas</a> were real and all the boys wanted to date me. But unless you're bringing the kind of hotness to the table that makes platinum records spin and/or oil derricks explode all over Texas, save the drama for your mama. Personally, I've never had any patience for premature Emmy Award winners with no TV credits whose hashtags are always &quot;epic&quot; because they're having the WORST. DAY. EVER. Do yourself a favor and exit stage left if you've got a Monday morning thespian bringing you down.</p> <h2>10. They're a Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire</h2> <p>One the best things about being a self-sufficient adult in my 30s is that I don't have to lie to any of my friends (or anyone else, for that matter). I'm not responsible for anyone, I'm not accountable to anyone, and I generally live my life as a grown-up dude who doesn't care what anybody thinks about what I say or do &mdash; because I alone pay my bills. In summary, I won't blow smoke up your bum, because it's absolutely unnecessary.</p> <p>It's also unnecessary for you to accept lies from your friends. It's a juvenile practice common among kids (hopefully that will put things into perspective), or those who have something to hide. While I don't expect that you're hanging out with nine-year-olds, if you happen to have somebody in your life who's lying to you, I suggest getting to the root of the problem right away. Perhaps there's a good reason (embarrassment is an acceptable reason for someone to lie in my book; I can at least understand that point of view) for which you can forgive them. Just don't let your guard down completely and forgive willy-nilly.</p> <h2>11. They Use You for What You Can Give Them</h2> <p>There are two reasons I've identified that compel people to hang out with me other than just being friends. The first is that I work in media, so I'm often invited to cool events and receive neat products to try; people like that. I also have a house on the Jersey Shore, very close to the beach, and people like that, too. I don't mind sharing these perks of my life with them &mdash; I like seeing my friends smile &mdash; but I also don't let either of those reasons define our friendship.</p> <p>If I get even an inkling that I'm being used, that person is shown the door, sometimes quite literally.</p> <p><em>Are there other signs that we need to a dump a friend that you'd like to add? Let me know in the comments below.</em></p> <br /><div id="custom_wisebread_footer"><div id="rss_tagline">This article is from <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/mikey-rox">Mikey Rox</a> of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/11-signs-you-need-to-dump-your-friend">Wise Bread</a>, an award-winning personal finance and <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/credit-cards">credit card comparison</a> website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:</div><div class="view view-similarterms view-id-similarterms view-display-id-block_2 view-dom-id-1"> <div class="view-content"> <div class="item-list"> <ul> <li class="views-row views-row-1 views-row-odd views-row-first"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/friends-and-goals-dont-let-a-blue-falcon-bring-you-down">Friends and Goals: Don&#039;t Let a Blue Falcon Bring You Down</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-2 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/12-things-you-need-to-stop-doing-today-to-be-a-better-friend">12 Things You Need to Stop Doing Today to Be a Better Friend</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-3 views-row-odd"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/6-ways-to-be-a-better-friend-without-any-effort">6 Ways to Be a Better Friend Without Any Effort</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-4 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/10-ways-to-repair-a-burned-bridge">10 Ways to Repair a Burned Bridge</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-5 views-row-odd views-row-last"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/10-types-of-friends-who-are-costing-you-money">10 Types of Friends Who Are Costing You Money</a></span> </div> </li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> </div><br/></br> Personal Development friends lifestyle maturity moving on relationships Thu, 25 Jun 2015 11:00:16 +0000 Mikey Rox 1462285 at http://www.wisebread.com How to Deal When Your Spouse is Suffering From Burnout http://www.wisebread.com/how-to-deal-when-your-spouse-is-suffering-from-burnout <div class="field field-type-filefield field-field-blog-image"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item odd"> <a href="/how-to-deal-when-your-spouse-is-suffering-from-burnout" class="imagecache imagecache-250w imagecache-linked imagecache-250w_linked"><img src="http://wisebread.killeracesmedia.netdna-cdn.com/files/fruganomics/imagecache/250w/blog-images/happy_couple_sunset_000041204266.jpg" alt="Woman and man who is suffering from burnout" title="" class="imagecache imagecache-250w" width="250" height="140" /></a> </div> </div> </div> <p>Burnout can be brutal. It kills your productivity, it makes you feel stressed all the time, it leaves you exhausted and detached, and it can make you question whether you have ever or will ever do anything of value.</p> <p>It's bad enough to find yourself in such a state, but it can be as bad or worse to find someone you love there. When that person is your spouse, someone you love deeply and with whom you are walking through life, it can cause all sorts of difficult feelings.</p> <p>You don't have to get stuck there, though. There are good ways to support yourself and your spouse when he or she is walking through a season of burnout.</p> <h2>1. Recognize It</h2> <p>Burnout can be misdiagnosed as depression (which often goes alongside it), anxiety, and other disorders. At its most basic, burnout is <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201311/the-tell-tale-signs-burnout-do-you-have-them">a state of chronic stress</a> that, over time, leads to a whole host of other symptoms. Depression and anxiety can be part of those, but stress is at the core in burnout.</p> <p>Learn to recognize when your spouse is stressed. Different people respond differently to stressors, but you are in a position to know how your spouse responds. When you see this sort of stress over a period of time, tell your spouse what you have observed. If you can't do that, recognize that burnout may be on the horizon.</p> <h2>2. Don't Panic</h2> <p>Having someone close to you experience burnout can be terrifying. When they lose productivity, when it takes them forever to do something they once did easily, like write an e-mail or empty the dishwasher, it's easy to wonder if that person you love will ever come back, or if this is your new normal.</p> <p>When these feelings come, remind yourself that they are normal but that you don't need to panic. Burnout is serious, but it is a condition that rest and wise counsel can do much to alleviate. It may take a while, but your spouse will return. Hopefully, they will be happier and healthier on the other side of burnout, because they will have learned to care for themselves better.</p> <h2>3. Get Support</h2> <p>Walking through a spouse's burnout isn't easy, and you will need people to walk alongside you as you offer support, if you want your marriage to survive and grow. These can be friends, relatives, or even mental health professionals. In fact, you might be best served by getting support from all three.</p> <p>You will have a lot to talk about when it comes to your spouse's burnout, and it's important that you don't put too much of that on any one person, or that you ask friends for solutions or suggestions that only counselors can give. A counselor can help you figure out what you can and cannot offer your spouse during this time, what you need to do to take care of yourself, and whether there's anything you can change in your marriage that might help your spouse. Friends and family can help you implement these ideas, and can listen to your feelings.</p> <p>Occasionally, it may be appropriate for you to seek help for your spouse, too. If he or she is so burnt out that they can't even search for a counselor or figure out what the next step is, you may need to do that for them. In the end, though, it will help your spouse to seek out their own solutions, so do as little as possible in their name. Instead, encourage them to act on their own.</p> <h2>4. Encourage Them in Positive Directions</h2> <p>What your spouse needs will depend a lot on the details of their burnout. As their spouse, you can encourage them to move toward what they need. Maybe an extended vacation would help them get the rest they need, or spending more time with friends would help them leave their stress at work. Maybe they need to join a gym or a bowling league or a reading group.</p> <p>Whatever they need, you can encourage them in that direction. That doesn't mean you sign them up for things you think might be helpful, but that you listen to them (and to their therapist, if that is appropriate) and help them remember to take steps toward rest and relaxation rather than deeper into stress.</p> <h2>5. Don't Take Responsibility</h2> <p>Even though you want to do as much as you can to help your spouse, you need to remember that neither their descent into burnout nor their recovery depends on you. You are there to be a companion, to help them walk this hard road and to walk alongside them as appropriate, but it's not your fault. They aren't burnt out because of you and their recovery isn't in your hands, either.</p> <p>If you are doing well, it will be easy to try to drag your burnt out spouse up by their bootstraps to join you. This is taking too much on yourself, though. In the end, they need to walk through this dark place and come out of it on their own. If you do it for them, they may get better but they won't really recover. The truth is, they got themselves into this place and they need to get themselves out. Being their companion will help, but being their savior will not.</p> <h2>6. Take Care of Yourself</h2> <p>Having a spouse with burnout is hard. It's stressful for you and that takes its toll. If you are not careful to alleviate that stress, you risk falling into burnout or depression yourself. So figure out what you need to do to take care of you and then do those things, which may include exercising more, sleeping a little more, or spending intentional time with your friends.</p> <p>Going through a time where your spouse is burnt out can actually strengthen your marriage. In the end, you will both be stronger people and you will know that your relationship can survive hard things. Work toward this and that time of burnout doesn't have to be wasted time.</p> <p><em>Has your spouse suffered burnout? What helped you deal?</em></p> <br /><div id="custom_wisebread_footer"><div id="rss_tagline">This article is from <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/sarah-winfrey">Sarah Winfrey</a> of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/how-to-deal-when-your-spouse-is-suffering-from-burnout">Wise Bread</a>, an award-winning personal finance and <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/credit-cards">credit card comparison</a> website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:</div><div class="view view-similarterms view-id-similarterms view-display-id-block_2 view-dom-id-11"> <div class="view-content"> <div class="item-list"> <ul> <li class="views-row views-row-1 views-row-odd views-row-first"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/how-to-be-happy-and-married-24-tips-from-a-24-year-old-marriage">How to Be Happy and Married: 24 Tips from a 24-Year-Old Marriage</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-2 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/10-frugal-ways-to-reduce-workplace-stress">10 Frugal Ways to Reduce Workplace Stress</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-3 views-row-odd"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/spice-up-the-conversation-by-skipping-what-do-you-do">Spice Up the Conversation by Skipping &quot;What Do You Do?&quot;</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-4 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/6-ways-regular-budget-meetings-might-save-your-marriage">6 Ways Regular Budget Meetings Might Save Your Marriage</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-5 views-row-odd views-row-last"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/6-things-to-never-do-when-sharing-finances">6 Things to Never Do When Sharing Finances</a></span> </div> </li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> </div><br/></br> Life Hacks anxiety burnout marriage relationships stress Mon, 04 May 2015 17:00:23 +0000 Sarah Winfrey 1410063 at http://www.wisebread.com 10 Relationship Rules You Should Be Breaking http://www.wisebread.com/10-relationship-rules-you-should-be-breaking <div class="field field-type-filefield field-field-blog-image"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item odd"> <a href="/10-relationship-rules-you-should-be-breaking" class="imagecache imagecache-250w imagecache-linked imagecache-250w_linked"><img src="http://wisebread.killeracesmedia.netdna-cdn.com/files/fruganomics/imagecache/250w/blog-images/happy_couple_heart_000043736474.jpg" alt="Happy couple breaking common love and relationship rules" title="" class="imagecache imagecache-250w" width="250" height="140" /></a> </div> </div> </div> <p>I don't know what it was like to be in a serious relationship back in the day &mdash; pre-social media, I mean &mdash; but I can imagine that it was much easier than it is in 2015. So much has changed over the past 20 &mdash; heck, even 10 &mdash; years that some of the most trusted and seemingly infallible relationship rules are now all but obsolete. The new school of thought on the issue? Adapt your relationship to today, or face certain doom.</p> <p>To catch you up to speed, here's a look at some of the most prominent relationship rules of yore that you should start kickin' to the curb.</p> <h2>1. Not Going to Bed Angry</h2> <p>My parents still adhere to this rule &mdash; or at least this is a piece of advice that my mother gives me when my marriage hits a rough patch &mdash; but I don't buy it. When we first started out, we tried to resolve the issue at hand before bed, but it rarely resulted in a truce, and the more time wore on, we were just like, screw it, I'm tired, let's resume our battle stations in the morning.</p> <p>I know we're not alone.</p> <p>&quot;If you follow this rule, it could mean a lot of late nights, and nothing escalates an argument more than sleep deprivation and mental exhaustion,&quot; says Dr. Jared DeFife, a clinical psychologist and relationship coach. &quot;I see couples in my practice who feel like they have to adhere to this rule or resolve an argument right away, leading them to drawn-out disputes where nothing gets accomplished and everyone's nerves are fried. When it comes to arguments, it's ok to take a break; in fact, it might even be necessary. You can use that time to calm down, understand your emotions, and return with a level head and a more nuanced perspective.&quot;</p> <p>And hey, there's always the possibility of make-up sex in the morning!</p> <h2>2. Thinking That Love Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry</h2> <p>Excuse while I LOL at this one. Whatever narcissistic dude came up with this (and I'm 100% certain it was a dude) was smokin' the good stuff &mdash; and I want some. Because the truth is, sometimes we're real capital Bs to our partners, and apologies are absolutely necessary.</p> <p>&quot;Nobody's perfect,&quot; Dr. DeFife reminds us. &quot;Sometimes we're grumpy or short-tempered or do the wrong thing. The mark of a good partnership is not in never screwing up or having conflicts, but in being able to recognize those concerns and to effectively make repairs when things go awry. A well-thought through and meaningful apology can actually strengthen a relationship in areas of discontent or disconnection.&quot;</p> <p>I think I'll have that quote printed on a stack of Post-it Notes and hide them in my husband's desk.</p> <h2>3. Playing Hard to Get</h2> <p>Playing hard to get can be fun. But giving the guy or girl the runaround for an extended period of time so you can feed your own ego as they try harder and harder to get your attention also can be dangerous.</p> <p>&quot;This includes waiting an X amount of days or minutes before calling or texting, dumping men who do not initiate contact, and only scheduling activities on certain days or times of the day,&quot; explains Dr. Carolyn C. Ferreira, a licensed clinical psychologist. &quot;Playing hard to get is unattractive to both sexes, and it also prohibits people from being their real selves and expressing their true feelings, which is an overall bad way to begin a relationship.&quot;</p> <h2>4. Waiting a Set Amount of Time After a Breakup</h2> <p>Breaking up or getting a divorce can sometimes feel like somebody died. You've spent most of your time with your partner for however many months or years you were together, then all of a sudden, they're gone. If this was a serious relationship, grieving this loss is a normal emotional reaction, but you shouldn't let other people dictate how long you take to heal. Whenever you feel like you're ready to get back out there and find your next future ex, put on your going-out pants and get back in the game.</p> <p>&quot;People grieve loss at their own pace; someone may be over a divorce in a month, whereas it might take someone else six months,&quot; Dr. Ferreira says.</p> <h2>5. Perpetuating Gender Stereotypes at Home</h2> <p>My husband and I have battled with this since the day we moved in together &mdash; and we're two dudes. Speaking as a man then, it's kind of insulting when someone expects that you'll do the cooking and cleaning because that's traditionally what the female in the relationship does. Not that I mind doing it &mdash; for the most part &mdash; but I don't want it to be an expectation because I'm the smaller, more creative partner in the relationship. I still have dude parts, dude. This type of thinking applies to any scenario, and as far as I'm concerned you can take that &quot;Honeymooners&quot;<em> </em>BS and shove it.</p> <p>&quot;Adhering to household tasks based on gender roles and stereotypes should also be reconsidered by couples,&quot; adds Dr. Ferreira. &quot;Instead of completing tasks because you're the man or woman, couples should look at their strengths and weaknesses as a couple in order to decide who does what. For example, it does not make sense for the man to take care of the finances if he does not know what an Excel spreadsheet is, but his wife does because she's a business owner.&quot;</p> <p>Might be time to start shakin' things up on the homefront, eh?</p> <h2>6. Believing That Fighting Is Healthy</h2> <p>Having lovers' quarrels every now and then is okay; it's good to get issues off your chest. Screaming in each other's face on a regular basis isn't. It's wise to note too that the term &quot;fighting&quot; is relative, and it behooves you to keep your definition of it in check to avoid a dangerous downward spiral.</p> <p>&quot;There are many myths and expectations about fighting in marriage,&quot; says Dr. Tina B. Tessina, psychotherapist and author of &quot;<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1598693255/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=1598693255&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=wisbre03-20&amp;linkId=UA6JX7TPBBEN43YK">Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage</a>.&quot; &quot;Couples come into my office frequently believing that fighting is a necessary part of being a couple, that all married couples fight, and it's a normal part of marriage. But the fact is that fighting accomplishes nothing, and it isn't necessary for couples to argue, to yell, or to have heated discussions to get problems solved. Hanging on to these ideas makes it difficult to let go of fighting.&quot;</p> <p>P.S. Don't ever let anybody hit you. Ever. It's not your fault, and you don't deserve it.</p> <h2>7. Searching for Your Soulmate (When You May Not Have One)</h2> <p>What if your soulmate died before you had a chance to meet? Too depressing? I'll let Patricia Johnson and Mark Michaels, relationship experts and co-authors of &quot;<a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1627780289/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=1627780289&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;tag=wisbre03-20&amp;linkId=WLVCALKVABMAJAMI">Partners in Passion</a>,&quot;&nbsp;explain why you may not have a soulmate in a more palatable way.</p> <p>&quot;In contemporary society, there is a very common superstition that finding one's soulmate &mdash; sometimes called a 'twin flame' &mdash; is the key to having a true pair-bond, and that in the absence of this 'other half,' no intimate relationship will be fully satisfying,&quot; Johnson and Michaels say. &quot;Two very damaging concepts are implicit in this belief: first, that there is a single, ideal partner out there in the world for every individual, and second, that people are incomplete until they find their 'other half.'&quot;</p> <p>In other words, stop holding out and start living more. You never know who you'll encounter along the way.</p> <h2>8. Accepting That Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus</h2> <p>Society &mdash; especially American culture &mdash; wants us to believe that men and women are so different that it's like we're each from separate planets. Yes, we have differences, but we also have many similarities that nobody ever seems to want to talk about because it's not interesting enough to sell 50 million books worldwide.</p> <p>&quot;We're not the first to observe that people of all genders are from Earth,&quot; Johnson and Michaels explain. &quot;Beyond that, men and women have more in common with each other than with any other creature on the planet. To make blanket generalizations is not helpful except on the most superficial level. This model builds on older myths &mdash; the concepts of 'opposite sexes' and 'the battle of the sexes' &mdash; and reconfigures them in therapeutic terms. Despite this reframing, the model is still an adversarial one, and adversarial models are not optimal for nurturing harmonious relationships or fueling sexual passion, except in very small doses. Having the sense that you're on opposing teams will only foster conflict.&quot;</p> <h2>9. Assuming That Monogamy Is Natural and Optimal</h2> <p>So I don't get in trouble down the road for providing my personal opinion on long-term relationships and monogamy, I'll let Johnson and Michaels give you theirs.</p> <p>&quot;If human biology inspires us both to form intimate pair bonds and to seek contacts outside of those bonds, then what makes for a healthy relationship is considerably more complex than dogmatic advocates of monogamy (or non monogamy for that matter) would have us believe,&quot; say the pair. &quot;At the same time, the impulse to bond deeply with another is not something that should be dismissed lightly. Our species varies a great deal, and it's a mistake to think about absolutes when it comes to monogamy and non-monogamy.&quot;</p> <h2>10. Dating Within Your Type</h2> <p>Just like I don't want all skinny, redheaded, melanin-free friends, I don't think it's very interesting to pursue a certain &quot;type&quot; of person in a romantic capacity. I've dated all types of guys &mdash; white, black, Asian, Indian, Middle Eastern, and Latino &mdash; and it has only served to broaden my horizons. Still, I have plenty of friends &mdash; especially the religious ones &mdash; who refuse to date outside their race or faith. To each their own of course, but I totally think they're missing out.</p> <p>Relationship expert April Masini agrees.</p> <p>&quot;One of the best ways to get out of a dating rut is to date a Republican if you're a Democrat, or someone rich if you're poor, or a creative type if you're by the book,&quot; she says. &quot;Date out of your religious or racial group. Date someone your mother wouldn't fix you up with &mdash; were you to let her. It'll shake up any rigidity you've succumbed to, and it's a great way to find love. It also expands your resources and gives you a bigger dating pool.&quot;</p> <p><em>What are some of the relationship rules that you think we should be breaking? Let me know in the comments below.</em></p> <br /><div id="custom_wisebread_footer"><div id="rss_tagline">This article is from <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/mikey-rox">Mikey Rox</a> of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/10-relationship-rules-you-should-be-breaking">Wise Bread</a>, an award-winning personal finance and <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/credit-cards">credit card comparison</a> website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:</div><div class="view view-similarterms view-id-similarterms view-display-id-block_2 view-dom-id-13"> <div class="view-content"> <div class="item-list"> <ul> <li class="views-row views-row-1 views-row-odd views-row-first"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/make-these-6-relationship-moves-now-or-youll-regret-it-in-20-years">Make These 6 Relationship Moves Now or You&#039;ll Regret It in 20 Years</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-2 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/avoid-these-5-pitfalls-when-moving-in-together">Avoid These 5 Pitfalls When Moving in Together</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-3 views-row-odd"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/6-ways-regular-budget-meetings-might-save-your-marriage">6 Ways Regular Budget Meetings Might Save Your Marriage</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-4 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/how-to-be-happy-and-married-24-tips-from-a-24-year-old-marriage">How to Be Happy and Married: 24 Tips from a 24-Year-Old Marriage</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-5 views-row-odd views-row-last"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/5-questions-couples-should-ask-in-the-money-talk">5 Questions Couples Should Ask in the Money Talk</a></span> </div> </li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> </div><br/></br> Personal Development couples Dating love marriage partnership relationships rules Wed, 15 Apr 2015 13:00:09 +0000 Mikey Rox 1382352 at http://www.wisebread.com 5 Worst Mistakes Good Spouses Make http://www.wisebread.com/5-worst-mistakes-good-spouses-make <div class="field field-type-filefield field-field-blog-image"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item odd"> <a href="/5-worst-mistakes-good-spouses-make" class="imagecache imagecache-250w imagecache-linked imagecache-250w_linked"><img src="http://wisebread.killeracesmedia.netdna-cdn.com/files/fruganomics/imagecache/250w/blog-images/couple_000019703451.jpg" alt="Young couple who make common marriage mistakes" title="" class="imagecache imagecache-250w" width="250" height="140" /></a> </div> </div> </div> <p>Marriage is hard. Almost anyone can tell you that. It takes constant effort to nurture this relationship so that it remains close, connected, and dedicated as the years pass.</p> <p>&quot;But,&quot; you say, &quot;I'm a good spouse. I don't cheat. I love my partner. I accept their faults and I work on my own. Won't my relationship last?&quot;</p> <p>Well, I don't have a crystal ball, but I do know this: Even good spouses aren't perfect. Even with a huge amount of love and the best intentions, it is easy to make mistakes that can hurt your relationship.</p> <p>But the first step is knowing what to look out for. Specifically, this list of the most common mistakes that good spouses make.</p> <h2>1. They Stop Putting in the Effort</h2> <p>When you feel lovey-dovey about your partner, it's easy to do the little things that make them happy. Maybe you prep his coffee pot for the morning, or bring her a glass of wine in bed. With that loving feeling, these things seem to come naturally.</p> <p>Fast forward a couple of years down the road, though. Your job is hard. Your spouse is stressed about money. Even the best spouses have days when they come home and collapse on the couch. When this happens, not only are you not thinking about the coffee or the wine, but you don't even want to make dinner.</p> <p>When you're stressed and tired, it's easy to let the little kindnesses, the things you do just because they make your spouse happy, slide. However, while you may not be able to do all the things you once did for your partner, you can still put forth the effort to show them that they're valuable.</p> <p>Be the one who offers to make (or pick up) dinner. Set an alarm on your phone so you remember to make the coffee. Surprise your spouse, even if it's only with takeout from their favorite restaurant. These little efforts remind your spouse that they are important to you, even when things are hard and busy.</p> <h2>2. They Speak Disrespectfully</h2> <p>Good spouses respect their partners. They listen when their partner speaks and they honor what is said, even when they disagree.</p> <p>Even good spouses, though, can lose respect for their partner in the middle of a heated conversation. This comes through in the tone of voice they use, the things they say about their partner or their partner's ideas, and whether or not they can give their partner the benefit of the doubt. It can even come through in what they say about their partner to other people, later on.</p> <p>Even if the argument is really and truly over and you're exaggerating or kidding around later, talk to and about your partner respectfully. If you can't do so, ask for a break until you feel like you can again.</p> <p>Even if you do respect your partner and you're just upset, speaking disrespectfully can harm your relationship. It can cause your partner to doubt your respect for them overall, and if that becomes a habit, it can change the way you think about your spouse in general.</p> <h2>3. They Believe Their Happiness Depends on Their Partner</h2> <p>Sure, you're close to your spouse. After all, you're a great partner. But there's a difference between being close and depending on someone else for your own happiness. Whether you feel like you need your partner to change in order for you to be happy, or you feel like everything is chugging along just fine until your partner falls into an illness or a depression; giving someone else that much control over your happiness is never a good idea.</p> <p>Instead, focus on yourself. Who do you want to be? What do you want to do? Work towards your own goals and you will be happier than if you hand over control of your satisfaction to someone else.</p> <p>Also, being in charge of your own happiness makes you an even better spouse. Your partner won't feel like they have to be someone or something they're not just for you. And they will know that, whatever happens, even if they get depressed or seriously ill, they won't take you down with them.</p> <h2>4. They Wait Until They Feel Like It to Have Sex</h2> <p>Sure, you like sex. Sometimes you even love it. And you're a great spouse, so you make sure your partner enjoys it, too. But the longer you're with your spouse &mdash; even when you love them dearly &mdash; the easier it is to let other things get in the way of physical intimacy. And it's even easier when you tell yourself that it's better to wait until you're in the mood.</p> <p>However, physical intimacy is important to a marriage. While it doesn't feel romantic to approach your spouse (or let them approach you) sexually when you're tired, stressed, and really just want to watch TV, your marriage will be better if you do it.</p> <p>Remember that you enjoy sex, even when it's not the first thing on your &quot;Want&quot; list, and choose to engage your partner on this level. Take it slow, and you may find yourself enjoying it a lot more than you thought you would, even if you weren't in the mood.</p> <h2>5. They Let Arguments Get off Topic</h2> <p>Even good spouses get upset sometimes. I mean, anytime you have two people together in the same space for longer than a couple of hours, they're likely to disagree. The fact that you and your spouse sometimes argue has nothing to do with how good of partners you are or how much you love each other.</p> <p>When you do argue, though, try to stay on topic. Work through one issue at a time. If things are so heated that you or your partner keep bringing up other issues, step back for a while to cool down and refocus.</p> <p>If things come up that you really want to talk about, write them down. Then you can bring them up after the original issue is settled, or later on when things are cooler between the two of you. It's perfectly fine to talk about all of your issues, but best not to talk about them all at once.</p> <p><em>Do you consider yourself a good spouse? What mistakes have you made in your marriage?</em></p> <br /><div id="custom_wisebread_footer"><div id="rss_tagline">This article is from <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/sarah-winfrey">Sarah Winfrey</a> of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/5-worst-mistakes-good-spouses-make">Wise Bread</a>, an award-winning personal finance and <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/credit-cards">credit card comparison</a> website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:</div><div class="view view-similarterms view-id-similarterms view-display-id-block_2 view-dom-id-14"> <div class="view-content"> <div class="item-list"> <ul> <li class="views-row views-row-1 views-row-odd views-row-first"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/6-ways-regular-budget-meetings-might-save-your-marriage">6 Ways Regular Budget Meetings Might Save Your Marriage</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-2 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/5-questions-couples-should-ask-in-the-money-talk">5 Questions Couples Should Ask in the Money Talk</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-3 views-row-odd"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/10-relationship-rules-you-should-be-breaking">10 Relationship Rules You Should Be Breaking</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-4 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/how-to-navigate-3-common-money-arguments-with-your-significant-other">How to Navigate 3 Common Money Arguments With Your Significant Other</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-5 views-row-odd views-row-last"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/6-time-tested-ways-to-make-a-relationship-work">6 Time-Tested Ways to Make a Relationship Work</a></span> </div> </li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> </div><br/></br> Personal Development arguments household marriage partnerships relationships spouses Thu, 09 Apr 2015 13:00:02 +0000 Sarah Winfrey 1376576 at http://www.wisebread.com 15 Surprising Ways Bad Credit Can Hurt You http://www.wisebread.com/15-surprising-ways-bad-credit-can-hurt-you <div class="field field-type-filefield field-field-blog-image"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item odd"> <a href="/15-surprising-ways-bad-credit-can-hurt-you" class="imagecache imagecache-250w imagecache-linked imagecache-250w_linked"><img src="http://wisebread.killeracesmedia.netdna-cdn.com/files/fruganomics/imagecache/250w/blog-images/woman_stressed_000028560880.jpg" alt="Woman stressed out about her iffy credit score" title="" class="imagecache imagecache-250w" width="250" height="140" /></a> </div> </div> </div> <p>Everyone knows that bad credit can prevent you from getting a mortgage, credit card, or other loan. But did you know that in addition to hurting you financially, bad debt can damage you emotionally and even romantically? If you have a low credit score, it's important to <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/a-secured-credit-card-can-repair-your-credit-score-heres-how-to-pick-the-best">take steps to improve your number</a> in order to avoid these problematic issues.</p> <h2>1. Damage to Your Relationships</h2> <p>Often when people cannot borrow money from a traditional lender due to bad credit, they turn to friends and family to bail them out. Being late on a credit card payment will damage your credit rating. But being late on a promise to pay back a friend can destroy your relationship.</p> <p>Bad credit has a terrible impact on marriages. Jeffrey Dow, a Faculty Fellow at the National Marriage Project, has extensively studied the impact of consumer debt on marital satisfaction. Dow's research uncovered that, in addition to being cited as the leading cause of divorce in America, financial disagreements were a much better <a href="http://www.stateofourunions.org/2009/bank_on_it.php">predictor of future divorce</a> than even sexual disagreements.</p> <p>&quot;Compared with disagreements over other topics, financial disagreements last longer, are more salient to couples, and generate more negative conflict tactics, such as yelling or hitting, especially among husbands,&quot; Dow says. &quot;Perhaps because they are socialized to be providers, men seem to take financial conflict particularly hard. Not surprisingly, new research that I have done indicates that conflict over money matters predicts divorce better than other types of disagreement.&quot;</p> <p>And, talk about kicking you when you are down. <a href="http://www.experian.com/ask-experian/20070919-how-divorce-can-impact-your-credit-scores.html">During a divorce</a>, a credit score can be used as leverage when dividing up assets!</p> <h2>2. Lack of Access to Emergency Money</h2> <p>One of my friends nearly lost her dog to cancer last year. Because of her low credit score, she was unable to get an emergency loan to cover her beloved pet's medical bills. Luckily, she was able to raise the money for treatment by crowd sourcing. Unfortunately, this kind of happy ending is uncommon. Outspending your means could leave you vulnerable to a medical catastrophe.</p> <h2>3. Limited Mobility</h2> <p>Hurricane Katrina was devastating to just about everyone in New Orleans, but many people were put in harm's way due to financial obstacles. Katrina struck on August 29, two days short of payday for some of the city's poorest residents. With no cash on hand and no credit, people literally lost their lives because they <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1854973/">couldn't afford to pay</a> for a bus ticket or gasoline to evacuate the area.</p> <p>Airline tickets cannot be purchased with cash. While this seems like a First World problem, homesickness and the desire to go home is a universal feeling. In addition to keeping you away from loved ones, having a low credit rating can keep you from getting the <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/the-best-new-travel-rewards-cards-on-the-block-barclaycard-arrival-world-plus-world-elite-mastercard">best credit card for travel</a>. With the right rewards card, travelers can save thousands of dollars by using mileage points to purchase tickets and accommodations, and avoiding foreign service fees for cash advances and purchases.</p> <p>Poor credit can also keep you from owning a car or getting affordable insurance, which in turn can keep you from taking jobs that require a car.</p> <h2>4. Jacked Up Car Insurance Rates</h2> <p>Although this is illegal in some states, some car insurers have decided that there's a connection between on-time payments and reckless driving&hellip; and jack up the rates or deny auto coverage accordingly. Not having car insurance can obviously negatively impact the quality of life of anyone who is dependent on a car for work.</p> <h2>5. Increased Property Insurance Costs</h2> <p>Some insurance companies see a correlation between low credit scores and high insurance claims, and inflict punitive rate increases on customers with poor credit. Although California, Massachusetts, and Maryland prohibit this practice, <a href="http://www.insurancejournal.com/news/national/2014/08/14/337527.htm">people with poor credit</a> pay a least twice as much as people with excellent credit in most states. For example, if you live in West Virginia and have poor credit, you will pay up to 208% more than your neighbor with a high credit score!</p> <h2>6. A Struggle to Refinance a Mortgage</h2> <p>Following the epidemic of foreclosures, new banking rules have been applied that make borrower's creditworthiness even more critical to negotiating a reasonable interest rate for home loans. Getting a loan allowed me to turn my rundown house into a beautiful rental property that pays for itself every month. The ability to get a loan for home improvement revolutionized my life by putting me on the fast track to financial independence.</p> <h2>7. Difficulty Renting</h2> <p>As a landlord, I check the credit score of potential tenants for late payments. I won't rent to people with too many late payments because the eviction process costs me too much time and money. It doesn't matter how much I like the prospective renter; I've learned the hard way that any goodwill I might have will be quickly turned into hate by tardy renters who have to be nagged into paying. I am not alone in this practice of judging prospects by their creditworthiness. In fact, most landlords I know only look at the credit score and don't allow potential renters to put their low score into context (i.e. &quot;I was hit by a drunk driver and my medical bills bankrupted me!&quot;).</p> <h2>8. Grim Job Prospects</h2> <p>Most people I know don't have a poor credit rating because they are shopaholics. When the recession hit, a lot of unemployed people had to make emergency financial decisions that are still dogging them today.</p> <p>There's a push to prevent employers from using credit reports against potential employees. But right now you can be denied a job due to a poor credit score. Allegedly, employers are supposed to inform you if your credit is the reason you were not hired, but this is no consolation to any job seeker who really wants and needs to work. One out of four Americans have had to go through an employer credit check, and one out of 10 are <a href="http://money.cnn.com/2013/03/04/pf/employer-credit-checks/">denied work</a> because of a low credit score.</p> <h2>9. Stunted Growth for Start-Ups</h2> <p>Many lenders require borrowers to put up their home as collateral for a small business loan. But even getting a home equity line of credit requires a good credit rating. Like landlords, many franchisers make decisions about licensing new franchises based on credit rating.</p> <h2>10. Higher Interest Rates</h2> <p>Even if you are able to borrow money, borrowers who are considered to be higher risk pay higher interest rates.</p> <h2>11. Loss of Basic Utilities</h2> <p>Utilities regularly check credit before beginning service. If you have been late making payments &mdash; especially <a href="https://www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0220-utility-services">utility payments</a> in the past &mdash; you might be required to pay a deposit in order to get service.</p> <h2>12. Impact on Professional Licensing</h2> <p>The Fair Credit Reporting Act allows government agencies that regulate professions to use credit reports. This means that states can require proof of creditworthiness before issuing everything from medical licenses to doctors, to construction licenses to contractors.</p> <h2>13. Lack of Disposable Income</h2> <p>I am currently <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/the-most-valuable-thing-debt-takes-from-you-isnt-money-its-this">working furiously</a> to pay down my home equity line of credit early, so I can achieve the peace of mind that financial independence offers, and save thousands of dollars in interest payments. In order to achieve this goal, I have cut out pretty much all varieties of elective spending. No eating out. No dry cleaning. No college classes. No new purchases beyond the absolute necessities, such as food and health care. While I spend part of every day feeling annoyed and inconvenienced by my lack of ready cash, I make an effort to realize that my situation is temporary. I will enjoy a better retirement because of the savings I am making today.</p> <p>People with poor credit spend more on fees and interest and, therefore, have less money to spend on experiences that enrich their lives.</p> <h2>14. Increased Stress</h2> <p>When I was 20, I watched as a sales clerk cut up my credit card right in front of me. That experience scared me straight. I will do almost anything to avoid public shaming, including pay my bills on time. However, most people would rather struggle with the <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/is-peer-pressure-keeping-you-poor">stress of debt</a> than admit that they can't afford something.</p> <h2>15. Poor Quality of Life</h2> <p>Debt can keep you from getting an education. It can keep you in an unhealthy relationship. It can keep you from getting a better job. Debt can keep you from fulfilling your potential as a person.</p> <p>Every journey starts with a single step, including the journey towards creditworthiness. Even if you can only afford to pay down an extra $10 a month on your credit card debt, that is $10 you are spending to make your future better and more financially secure.</p> <p><em>Don't you deserve a better future?</em></p> <br /><div id="custom_wisebread_footer"><div id="rss_tagline">This article is from <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/max-wong">Max Wong</a> of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/15-surprising-ways-bad-credit-can-hurt-you">Wise Bread</a>, an award-winning personal finance and <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/credit-cards">credit card comparison</a> website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:</div><div class="view view-similarterms view-id-similarterms view-display-id-block_2 view-dom-id-1"> <div class="view-content"> <div class="item-list"> <ul> <li class="views-row views-row-1 views-row-odd views-row-first"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/are-you-a-credit-invisible-get-seen-by-building-your-score">Are You a Credit Invisible? Get Seen by Building Your Score</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-2 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/5-things-you-need-to-know-about-credit-scores">5 Things You Need to Know About Credit Scores</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-3 views-row-odd"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/when-it-makes-sense-to-apply-for-a-mortgage-loan-without-your-spouse">When It Makes Sense to Apply for a Mortgage Loan Without Your Spouse</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-4 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/heres-why-credit-scores-and-reports-are-not-the-same">Here&#039;s Why Credit Scores and Reports Are Not the Same</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-5 views-row-odd views-row-last"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/6-money-moves-to-make-for-tomorrows-mortgage">6 Money Moves to Make for Tomorrow&#039;s Mortgage</a></span> </div> </li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> </div><br/></br> Personal Finance building credit credit history credit scores loans mortgages quality of life relationships Wed, 08 Apr 2015 13:00:08 +0000 Max Wong 1370440 at http://www.wisebread.com How to Navigate 3 Common Money Arguments With Your Significant Other http://www.wisebread.com/how-to-navigate-3-common-money-arguments-with-your-significant-other <div class="field field-type-filefield field-field-blog-image"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item odd"> <a href="/how-to-navigate-3-common-money-arguments-with-your-significant-other" class="imagecache imagecache-250w imagecache-linked imagecache-250w_linked"><img src="http://wisebread.killeracesmedia.netdna-cdn.com/files/fruganomics/imagecache/250w/blog-images/couple_fighting_000033631562.jpg" alt="couple fighting over common money issues between significant others" title="" class="imagecache imagecache-250w" width="250" height="140" /></a> </div> </div> </div> <p>Think about your last big argument with your sweetheart. You know the one &mdash; the knock-down, drag-out &quot;heated discussion&quot; that made you wonder if you or your partner (or both of you) were crazy, because there was simply no consensus to be had.</p> <p>Chances are that argument was about money.</p> <p>According to a 2012 survey by the American Institute of CPAs, money is the most common <a href="http://www.aicpa.org/press/pressreleases/2012/pages/finances-causing-rifts-for-american-couples.aspx">reason married couples fight</a>, ahead of children, household chores, work, and friends. Unfortunately, fighting about money on a regular basis also indicates a <a href="http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2012.00715.x/abstract">higher chance of divorce</a>.</p> <p>But money arguments do not have to be frequent or vicious, as long as you are willing to recognize that any conversation about money is about much more than just little green pieces of paper. (See also: <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/8-steps-to-a-blissful-matri-money?ref=seealso">8 Steps to a Blissful Matri-Money</a>)</p> <p>Here are three of the most common money arguments couples have, and how you can navigate them without forgetting what you like about each other.</p> <h2>1. You Spent <em>HOW</em> Much?</h2> <p>This might sound like a classic spender versus saver argument &mdash; you are committed to getting out of debt and your spouse is careless with money, for instance. But whether you are a natural spender or a natural saver, it's likely that you and your partner have each been on both sides of this argument.</p> <p>For example, maybe you regularly spend extra money on your favorite microbrews, which your partner thinks taste about the same as Budweiser. Their complaints about this expense can feel pretty rich to you, considering the fact that they spend what seems like the GDP of a small nation on clothes each year.</p> <p>The disconnect that you both feel about these spending decisions arises because the argument is not about money per se, but about values.</p> <p>Your partner values looking fashionable and thinks it's a waste of money to buy expensive beverages. And you might think buying new clothes more often than once a decade is extravagant, but feel that life is far too short to drink terrible beer.</p> <h3>The Fix: Have Separate Important-to-Me Funds</h3> <p>Many marriage and finance experts recommend that spouses each get separate &quot;fun money&quot; to use as they please. This is a great way for each of you to make purchases the other might see as a completely insane, without it becoming an issue.</p> <p>As long as you and your partner can agree on a budget amount for important-to-me purchases, this strategy will allow you to continue to support your values without having to fight for them financially.</p> <h2>2. It's <em>MY</em> Money!</h2> <p>It's rare for couples to each make the exact same amount of money, and differing income levels can create power imbalances in a relationship. The individual who makes more money might want to have more control over financial decisions, and the lower-earner might feel resentful and excluded.</p> <p>As with the previous argument, this disagreement is not really about money, but about relationship contributions. Our society values money far more than other types of contributions, which means we can easily fall into the trap of believing that the higher-earner in a relationship makes a bigger contribution and deserves more say in how communal money is spent.</p> <h3>The Fix: Make a List of Your Contributions to the Relationship</h3> <p>Ultimately, it's important for partners to view all income as &quot;our money&quot; (with some allotted for each spouse to use as he or she pleases, as outlined above). If either of you have trouble simply accepting that fact, then it's time to sit down together and make a list of what you each do for the overall health of the relationship.</p> <p>This is a peacekeeping tactic that many marriage counselors advise for dealing with housework squabbles, but it works just as well for dealing with money imbalances. Once the higher-earner sees that the other partner does all the grocery shopping or laundry or airport drop-offs (or whatever), it can help to put the high income in perspective. The high-earner would be keeping less of their income if each of those non-financial contributions by the low-earner had to be contracted out.</p> <h2>3. Why Won't You Fund Your 401(k), Track Spending, Etc.?</h2> <p>Opposites attract, and that's certainly true when it comes to money philosophies. Spendthrifts and skinflints can each appreciate the other's financial qualities, because they balance out their own.</p> <p>But living with your financial opposite can also be maddening. The spender might feel nagged and constricted by the saver's financial expectations, and the saver might be overwhelmed by the spender's use of money. In particular, it can be really tough for the saver to see the spender neglect financial chores that seem essential.</p> <h3>The Fix: Delegate and Communicate</h3> <p>The real issue behind this argument is the fact that neither partner can get the other to view money in the same way they do. The spender will never understand the saver's anxiety about finances, and the saver will never understand how the spender can enjoy making purchases when there are unfunded retirement accounts to worry about.</p> <p>The best way to handle this is to allow one partner (the saver) to be the person in charge of finances. This may seem like an odd suggestion, considering the fact that most marriage advice stresses the importance of sharing. However, delegating tasks can often make for a happier partnership, since the person who cares more about the specifics of finances can focus on them, while the more carefree partner does not feel nagged or infantilized.</p> <p>But simply delegating finances to one individual is not enough to avoid this particular fight. It's also important to regularly talk to each other about the financial state of the union. This will ensure that both partners are on the same page and understand what is happening with their money, and it will also provide the non-finance partner the information necessary to take over in case something happens to the current family CFO.</p> <h2>Living in Financial Harmony</h2> <p>Money is the source of a great deal of stress and fighting because it represents so much more than just a way to pay for things. Nipping big money fights in the bud is not easy, but starting from a place of respect for your partner and his or her values, the non-financial contributions you each make, and the strengths you each bring to the table, can help you to navigate solutions to even the thorniest of money arguments.</p> <p><em>How do you and your SO navigate the dangerous waters of money?</em></p> <br /><div id="custom_wisebread_footer"><div id="rss_tagline">This article is from <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/emily-guy-birken">Emily Guy Birken</a> of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/how-to-navigate-3-common-money-arguments-with-your-significant-other">Wise Bread</a>, an award-winning personal finance and <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/credit-cards">credit card comparison</a> website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:</div><div class="view view-similarterms view-id-similarterms view-display-id-block_2 view-dom-id-2"> <div class="view-content"> <div class="item-list"> <ul> <li class="views-row views-row-1 views-row-odd views-row-first"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/could-a-divorce-improve-your-finances">Could a Divorce Improve Your Finances?</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-2 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/5-questions-couples-should-ask-in-the-money-talk">5 Questions Couples Should Ask in the Money Talk</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-3 views-row-odd"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/6-ways-regular-budget-meetings-might-save-your-marriage">6 Ways Regular Budget Meetings Might Save Your Marriage</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-4 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/11-tips-and-tricks-for-merging-finances">11 Tips and Tricks for Merging Finances</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-5 views-row-odd views-row-last"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/6-things-to-never-do-when-sharing-finances">6 Things to Never Do When Sharing Finances</a></span> </div> </li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> </div><br/></br> Personal Finance arguments marriage money relationships spending Wed, 01 Apr 2015 11:00:13 +0000 Emily Guy Birken 1360894 at http://www.wisebread.com 8 Dumb Little Things Holding You Back From a Healthy Relationship http://www.wisebread.com/8-dumb-little-things-holding-you-back-from-a-healthy-relationship <div class="field field-type-filefield field-field-blog-image"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item odd"> <a href="/8-dumb-little-things-holding-you-back-from-a-healthy-relationship" class="imagecache imagecache-250w imagecache-linked imagecache-250w_linked"><img src="http://wisebread.killeracesmedia.netdna-cdn.com/files/fruganomics/imagecache/250w/blog-images/couple-relationship-problems-179233001-small.jpg" alt="couple relationship problems" title="couple relationship problems" class="imagecache imagecache-250w" width="250" height="140" /></a> </div> </div> </div> <p>A good relationship is hard to find.</p> <p>Ask any single person who would love to be in a committed, strong relationship, and they'll tell you. Between their own mistakes and hang ups and those of the people they try to date, sometimes it seems like a miracle that anything could ever work out. (See also: <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/6-time-tested-ways-to-make-a-relationship-work?ref=seealso">6 Time-Tested Ways to Make a Relationship Work</a>)</p> <p>If you want to increase your chances of said miracle, though, make sure you're not engaging in any of these dumb little things that may be holding you back from a healthy relationship.</p> <h2>1. Deferring to Their Opinion</h2> <p>It's nice to let your partner choose where you're going or what you're doing. Some of the time. The problem with deferring all the time, though, is that it shows that you're insecure. And when you are insecure all the time, your partner can feel like they need to fix that for you.</p> <p>It isn't your partner's job to fix you. And asking them to do this, even if you do it indirectly, won't promote a healthy relationship. If your partner takes you up on this and tries to always reassure you, the relationship can become codependent. If they don't, you can end up angry and resentful towards them because they won't give you what you think you need.</p> <h2>2. Dressing Up to See Them</h2> <p>Sure, you want to impress the person you want to be with (or want to stay with). It's natural that you would want to look your best. However, when your partner never sees you in your normal clothes, it's like you're hiding part of who you are. And if you're hiding here, there's a good chance you're hiding other things, too.</p> <p><a href="http://www.ted.com/conversations/19704/how_honest_should_we_be_in_rel.html">Relationships need truth to survive</a>. Even when that truth is hard, when you're afraid that your significant other won't want to know something about you &mdash; whether that's your sexual history or the fact that you have a whole collection of sweatpants &mdash; it's better to express them than to keep quiet. Hiding may seem like a small thing, but it can make or break a relationship.</p> <h2>3. Saying Negative Things About Singleness</h2> <p>Even if you're in a relationship, it's worth your time to examine your attitudes about singleness. If you think negatively about single people or about being single, it probably means that you think a person's meaning comes from his or her romantic relationships. This puts a lot of stress on your relationship, because you want your partner to make your life meaningful.</p> <p>When you expect someone else to give your life meaning, you're asking a lot of them. In fact, you're asking something from them that they can never give you. Because meaning is something that wells up from inside you and that only you can determine whether or not you have, asking another person to give you that is asking them to climb inside your head. Starting a relationship by expecting the impossible will never lead to health.</p> <h2>4. Wondering If You Should Break Up After Every Fight</h2> <p>Most people don't realize that relationships are hard. But conflict should be expected, not a surprise. If you are so surprised that you want to break up, it probably means that you're expecting the relationship to be easy.</p> <p>When we have an expectation, especially one we haven't talked about or, sometimes, even made conscious, we tend to do whatever we can to make sure things fall into place the way we want them to. This can mean manipulating people, ignoring our feelings, and more. Or, it can mean ending a good relationship once it's no longer perfect.</p> <h2>5. Reminding Someone of What They Did Wrong Last Week</h2> <p>When someone hurts you, it's natural to remember that and to feel wary about interacting with that person in the future. If you keep bringing up your partner's past wrongs, though, it indicates that you're holding a grudge and it often makes the relationship unhealthy.</p> <p>If you can't get over something that someone did to you, whether it was big or small, you probably shouldn't be with them. Otherwise, you will <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692">end up angry at them and distrustful</a> of everything they do, and you could even end up stalking them or putting them under surveillance, which is clearly unhealthy.</p> <h2>6. Rolling Your Eyes</h2> <p>When you roll your eyes, you indicate that you're annoyed in the most dismissive, rude way possible. Sure, it's one little action, and if you do it when your partner can't see you, it won't even bother them. Whether they see you or not, though, an eye roll is indicative of a certain kind of attitude, and it's not one that makes for a healthy relationship.</p> <h2>7. Saying &quot;Yes&quot; When You Mean &quot;No&quot;</h2> <p>If you want to make someone happy, you do whatever they want to do, right? Right? Wrong. Doing whatever someone asks of you all the time means that they control the relationship and you don't. This uneven balance of power can be unhealthy and even destructive, especially if the powerful person decides to take advantage of things.</p> <p>Saying &quot;No&quot; might make you feel like you're disappointing your partner, but sometimes you have to do that. Setting boundaries is key in healthy relationships, so that people know what they can and cannot expect from you and what you are and are not willing to give.</p> <h2>8. Making Sure Things Are &quot;Even&quot;</h2> <p>It's great that you want things to be fair, but always looking out for that is usually just another way to keep score, which is dangerous for your relationship.</p> <p>The problem with keeping score, with always knowing whether you owe or are owed, is that it becomes difficult to talk about any particular issue at hand. Every time you disagree with your partner, you'll bring up the past, which means that now you're talking about all of those issues as well as the one right in front of you. This can degenerate into you trying to justify your version of the scorecard while your partner does the same with theirs, which means the issue at hand is never dealt with and is only added to the score, for next time.</p> <p><em>What changes have you made to make your relationships healthier? What is one small change that seems to make all the difference?</em></p> <br /><div id="custom_wisebread_footer"><div id="rss_tagline">This article is from <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/sarah-winfrey">Sarah Winfrey</a> of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/8-dumb-little-things-holding-you-back-from-a-healthy-relationship">Wise Bread</a>, an award-winning personal finance and <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/credit-cards">credit card comparison</a> website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:</div><div class="view view-similarterms view-id-similarterms view-display-id-block_2 view-dom-id-3"> <div class="view-content"> <div class="item-list"> <ul> <li class="views-row views-row-1 views-row-odd views-row-first"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/happily-ever-after-how-to-stay-married-for-29-years-and-counting">Happily Ever After: How to Stay Married for 29 Years (and Counting)</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-2 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/10-ways-to-repair-a-burned-bridge">10 Ways to Repair a Burned Bridge</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-3 views-row-odd"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/the-5-habits-you-must-break-to-become-more-self-confident">The 5 Habits You Must Break to Become More Self-Confident</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-4 views-row-even"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/4-ways-your-mind-can-make-you-rich">4 Ways Your Mind Can Make You Rich</a></span> </div> </li> <li class="views-row views-row-5 views-row-odd views-row-last"> <div class="views-field-title"> <span class="field-content"><a href="http://www.wisebread.com/11-signs-you-need-to-dump-your-friend">11 Signs You Need to Dump Your Friend</a></span> </div> </li> </ul> </div> </div> </div> </div><br/></br> Personal Development communication confidence relationships Thu, 04 Dec 2014 13:00:05 +0000 Sarah Winfrey 1263678 at http://www.wisebread.com 10 Ways to Repair a Burned Bridge http://www.wisebread.com/10-ways-to-repair-a-burned-bridge <div class="field field-type-filefield field-field-blog-image"> <div class="field-items"> <div class="field-item odd"> <a href="/10-ways-to-repair-a-burned-bridge" class="imagecache imagecache-250w imagecache-linked imagecache-250w_linked"><img src="http://wisebread.killeracesmedia.netdna-cdn.com/files/fruganomics/imagecache/250w/blog-images/friends-arguing-167168170-small.jpg" alt="friends arguing" title="friends arguing" class="imagecache imagecache-250w" width="250" height="140" /></a> </div> </div> </div> <p>&quot;Don't ever burn bridges,&quot; is a piece of advice most of us have heard &mdash; more than once. Whether it's talking about your career or your personal life, the advice is sound. Should you burn a bridge, the ramifications can be serious. The Internet connects people all over the world, and one burned relationship can close hundreds of potential doors for you. And in your personal life, be it a relative or a friend, life is just too short to cut someone off forever. (See also: <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/6-time-tested-ways-to-make-a-relationship-work?ref=seealso">6 Time-Tested Ways to Make a Relationship Work</a>)</p> <p>However, we all make mistakes. I, myself, have burned a few bridges. One, in particular, I napalmed; I never thought I'd need it again, and wanted to make sure that avenue was gone. Boy, was I wrong. It took months of work to repair that bridge. In fact, it was completely rebuilt. If you have done likewise, don't despair. You can repair a burned bridge. Here are 10 ways to get started.</p> <h2>1. Don't Let This Fester</h2> <p>The bridge may still be smoldering, or it could have burned up a long time ago. Either way, you can't let it stay this way one second longer. If you have just burned a bridge, make moves to repair it immediately and jump to the third point on this list. If it's been a while, even years, then you'll have to ease into it. But this has to happen sooner rather than later. The longer you leave it, the harder it is to repair.</p> <h2>2. Take Small Steps</h2> <p>The first way to start the healing process is to take small steps; very small steps. You cannot barge back into their life and expect them to be responsive. After all, you may have been mulling this over for months, but they have almost certainly moved past you. So, take the smallest steps back in their direction. If you unfriended each other on Facebook, start there. If it's a work relationship, try LinkedIn. If you see each other around, be friendly, even if they're cold. You don't have to make any grand gestures yet; you are simply preparing the groundwork.</p> <h2>3. Make the First Move</h2> <p>Once you've made some subtle steps, you have to be the one to reach across the aisle and start the healing. You can't expect the other person to make any kind of move towards you by dropping a few hints, or smiling in their general direction. You burned the bridge, even if their behavior led you to light the match. So put your pride to the side and reach out.</p> <h2>4. Be Sincere</h2> <p>When you do make your move, you have to be 100% committed to repairing the burned bridge. And that starts with sincerity. If you want something from the other person (for example, a job at his or her company) your half-hearted attempts at making up will be blatantly transparent. You do not want to come across as someone who is simply stomaching the process in order to get something valuable. If you cannot be sincere, this is not the right time. If you don't know how to be sincere because the wound is still open, this is definitely not the right time.</p> <h2>5. Admit You Were Wrong</h2> <p>&quot;But I wasn't in the wrong, it was that idiot's fault!&quot; Yes, of course, you may be feeling that way inside. But for whatever reason, you are trying to repair the bridge. The other person doesn't need to lift a finger because they have less to gain than you. So you may have to prepare a little humble pie for yourself, and eat it with a smile. By admitting you were wrong, you are giving the other person some closure in the matter, and are also elevating them. They have some power. They feel like they have the higher ground. From that position, it is much easier to reach out to reconcile.</p> <h2>6. Listen &mdash; Really Listen</h2> <p>If you are lucky enough to start a dialog (these initial attempts can often lead to being blanked), then you have the chance to find out their side of the story. This is the time to open yourself up to a paradigm shift. What were they going through at the time the rift happened? Did you misunderstand something that they did? Was the original dispute something small that got out of hand? Did you overreact to something? As you listen, repeat what you hear back to that person. One of the most important parts of conflict resolution is knowing that you are being heard, and understood.</p> <h2>7. Say &quot;Sorry&quot; (and Mean It)</h2> <p>When it comes to repairing a bridge, sorry can go a very long way. It's a small word, but it's one of the hardest for people to say (if you have kids, you'll know how difficult it can be to pry it out of them). It's one thing to admit you were wrong, but you have to back it up with an apology. The other person will appreciate it, even if they have a hard time hearing it at first. &quot;I'm so sorry I ever let this get out of hand&quot; can work wonders. It puts the responsibility on your shoulders, and that often makes the other person feel like they should take some of the blame too. &quot;No, no, it was my fault to.&quot; Hey, look at that, there's some kind of resolution taking shape.</p> <h2>8. Ask for Forgiveness</h2> <p>This is another opportunity for you to eat crow, and put the other person in a position of power. There is no shame in asking someone to forgive your former transgressions. You can be stubborn, and say point blank that you did nothing wrong, but that won't get you where you need to go. It can be as simple as &quot;can you ever forgive me for my actions?&quot;</p> <h2>9. Lay Down Guidelines</h2> <p>There can be no repeat of what happened before. The best way to avoid this is to simply lay down a few rules for the way ahead. &quot;We will no longer talk about x, y and z&quot; or &quot;please talk to me the second you see a concern&quot; is a simple way to establish some boundaries. Have regular check ups, and make sure everything is going along smoothly. Small problems can escalate into big ones, and before you know it that bridge is starting to smolder again.</p> <h2>10. Do Not Take This for Granted</h2> <p>This is now a new and fragile relationship, even though you may have known each other for many years. You cannot fall back into the same routine that resulted in a burned bridge. Don't go back into old habits. You may have joked about certain things that were okay back then, but will be off-limits now (especially if it's related to the incident that caused the rift). At work, you may have treated this person as a friend, even though they may have been your a superior. You need to respect those barriers now. Be friendly, open, accessible, and if it's in a work environment, be professional.</p> <p><em>Have you ever burned a bridge &mdash; and managed to repair it later? Please tell us about it in comments!</em></p> <br /><div id="custom_wisebread_footer"><div id="rss_tagline">This article is from <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/paul-michael">Paul Michael</a> of <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/10-ways-to-repair-a-burned-bridge">Wise Bread</a>, an award-winning personal finance and <a href="http://www.wisebread.com/credit-cards">credit card comparison</a> website. 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