love

Ask the Readers: How Do You Express Your Love Besides "I Love You?"

Ashley Jacobs — Tue, 13 Feb 2018 09:30:05 +0000

Editor's Note: Congratulations to Lori, Liz, and Jeni for winning this week's contest!

Saying "I love you" is not the only way to show that you care deeply for someone. It can also be in the little things that you do for each other every day, or in the small gifts you pick up when something reminds you of them, or you can simply be there for them when they need you.

How do you express your love besides "I love you?" What are some everyday actions that you take to show someone you care? What is the most memorable thing that someone has done for you?

Tell us how you express your love and we'll enter you in a drawing to win a $20 Amazon Gift Card!

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Tell us how you express your love and we'll enter you in a drawing to win a $20 Amazon Gift Card!

This article is from Ashley Jacobs of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

5 Ways to Cash in on Romantic Gifts From Exes

Mikey Rox — Fri, 09 Feb 2018 09:00:06 +0000

Your ex is officially out of your life, but you still have the stuff they gave you. Will you continue to wear the jewelry, or that sweater, or use that gadget? If your answer is no, why not make a little cash instead of letting it collect dust? Ease the pain of your breakup by turning all those love tokens he or she gave you into make-it-all-better money. Check out these ways to cash in on romantic gifts you don't want.

1. Visit a jeweler for an offer

Jewelry is a great gift to receive when your eyes are filled with heart emojis for each other, but when things come crashing down, the ring, watch, or necklace is just a shiny reminder of everything that went wrong. If the jewelry is the real deal, however, you should be able to ease your pain with a boost to your bank account after a visit to a jeweler.

"Ensuring you get the most money for your item is key, so while you get your piece appraised by jewelers or pawnbrokers, it's worth considering the offers they make you," says Natasha Rachel Smith, personal finance expert at TopCashback.com. "More often than not, local jewelers will offer the best price because they'll see you as a potential customer. Another great option when negotiating with a jeweler is to exchange your used jewelry for store credit if they don't buy used jewelry, which may or may not be ideal for you."

2. Send it to the scrap heap

A quick way to make cash on your precious metal jewelry is to hawk it for its scrap value. This means selling it for the material that will eventually be disassembled and melted down. I did this with a gold ring once. I kept the diamonds and got paid for the gold the store kept. This form of selling your jewelry is easy and convenient. Just find a gold buying store in your area or mail your pieces in (certified mail with insurance is best) for fast cash. The state of the market will determine the value of the material, but you will usually get an immediate offer. (See also: How to Sell Gold Without Getting Ripped Off)

3. Tap into the online community

There's an abundance of resources online to sell unwanted gifts, from sites like eBay or Amazon, to more focused marketplaces, like Bag Borrow or Steal, which deals in the buying and selling of designer handbags. (See also: How I Make $800 on Month on eBay Selling Used Clothes)

"Using auction websites like eBay or online marketplaces such as Craigslist or Poshmark to sell your used or new items can be easy and convenient," Smith says. "Figure out what type of selling fits your lifestyle. For example, eBay and Poshmark allow you to make transactions all online and shipping is relatively easy. Craigslist opens the door for face-to-face interactions with unfamiliar faces."

Still, there are many resources you may not have heard of, like Gemr, for instance.

Gemr is a social-commerce platform for collectors to discover, display, discuss, and buy and sell collectibles. So instead of selling in a marketplace like eBay or Amazon where an item is one of thousands, Gemr offers super-niche, curated selling pages. As a result, even the most custom and unique gifted items can now be turned into cash, like baseball autographs.

Another great resource is Worthy.com to sell your diamond ring. Its two-day auction puts a vetted community of professional buyers at your virtual door.

4. Post on social media

The ability to connect with people you know can help you sell your items fast. Use Facebook's Craigslist-style Marketplace to sell items to users in your immediate area. I also sometimes just post an item to my personal page. On several occasions, I've had people within my own network interested in what I'm selling, which removes a lot of hesitation and anxiety I get when dealing with strangers, many of whom often flake on the deal, forcing me to start from scratch. Annoying!

I've also had a really great experiences with Letgo, which, similar to Facebook Marketplace, helps connect you with local buyers who will pick the item up from you so you don't have to worry about shipping.

5. Sell it to a consignment shop

Chances are you have a consignment shop in your area that would be willing to take your items for resale. You'll take only a fraction of the profit, but at least your items will be in a place with built-in foot traffic.

If you want to try online consignment, TheRealReal.com is a great place to consign romantic gifts, especially fine jewelry and designer clothes or handbags. It can be even better than your local jewelry or consignment shops, since people from all over the world will be able to see your items and possibly purchase them. Other popular online consignments shops include thredUP, dedicated to women's and children's fashion, and Tradesy, which specializes in high-end designer fashion and accessories, plus wedding apparel for men and women. (See also: What to Do With Your Wedding Dress After the Big Day)

If you were gifted furniture or artwork you don't want, consider Chairish, which is the perfect place to unload home décor given from an ex. (Just don't be too hasty; you need a couch.)

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This article is from Mikey Rox of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

How to Protect Your Job When You're in a Workplace Relationship

Paul Michael — Thu, 13 Jul 2017 08:30:10 +0000

There are various figures of speech that talk about workplace relationships, and most of them are in the negative. "Don't make honey where you make money," or "Never foul your own nest" are just a couple fit to print here.

It seems that the overall rule of thumb is to avoid workplace relationships like the plague. However, they happen. A lot. And if you find yourself in one, how do you ensure that it doesn't impact your job, or even your career?

Check the employee handbook

Most human resource departments have some kind of company or employee handbook that provides guidelines for behavior in and around the office. Before you get too involved in any kind of office romance, check this to see what it says about the implications of dating a coworker. It's possible your company may prohibit office relationships, although it's highly unlikely it would ever be enforced. However, you should disclose the relationship to Human Resources and your manager. It may also need to be documented, especially if the relationship brings about conflict of interest concerns. Almost every business will frown on a supervisor and his or her direct report having a romance, for obvious reasons.

You will usually get a gut reaction to your own fledgling relationship based on other activity you've seen in the office. If you've been invited to the wedding of two coworkers, or see couples holding hands in the office with no backlash at all, you're probably fine. If you haven't seen or heard a peep about any workplace hookups, you may have to tread very carefully. Or, figure out which of you should find another place to work, if you want to keep the relationship alive.

Keep it between you and your partner

In the very early stages, only two people in the office should know about your relationship, and that's you and the person you're dating. Don't do public displays of affection. Don't leave each other little notes, or giggle in the elevator together. Don't start going to lunch with each other every day, and arrive in the same car in the morning. You want this to be kept quiet until you are sure it's nothing more than a fling.

If it's serious, you can inform HR, and if necessary, your managers. But even after that, keep it professional. You are still in a place of business, and you were both hired to do specific tasks. Those tasks will not be improved by bringing your relationship into it. And if you are arguing, or going through a rocky patch, you also need to separate that personal side from the professional side. If it becomes clear that your romance is affecting your performance, one or both of you could be let go.

Set boundaries at work, and out of the office

That old saying "Loose lips sink ships" is not just for wartime. In this case, that ship could be your career, and if you do not establish firm boundaries from the get go, you could start violating trusts that lead to gossip, rumors, and a toxic work environment.

It's possible that you know much more about a certain project or coworker than the person you're dating. They might want to know more than they are allowed to, or vice-versa. "Go on, tell me, are layoffs coming soon? Which departments are affected? Is anyone getting a promotion?" These questions can overstep the company boundaries and result in disciplinary action for both parties.

Then, there's the question of favoritism. You may be dating someone who is part of your team. You may be dating someone with significant influence. If you seem to benefit from that relationship, even if it's completely unrelated, it can seem like a huge dose of favoritism. "He only got promoted because he's dating the best friend of the boss." Take these things into account, because it can cause a lot of ill will and low morale among other employees.

Try not to date "up or down"

Obviously, it will be hard to deny certain feelings you both have for each other. But, if one of you is much higher up in the company than the other, things can get messy very quickly. Word will spread that you are in a relationship, despite your best efforts to conceal it. Then, you will be under scrutiny constantly.

Are you receiving special treatment, or giving it to your partner? Are you sure you're making decisions based solely on the best interest of the company, or are they being swayed by your affections? Are you getting a little upset that your partner travels a lot, while you are stuck in the office? Or, that they get perks that you do not at your level? All of these problems, and many more, can happen when you date up or down.

So, stick to relationships with people on a similar level to you in the company. And if one of you starts advancing more quickly than the other, reassess the situation. Is it going to cause problems? If you are put in charge, or report to your partner, you'll have something of an HR nightmare on your hands.

Document everything … just in case

It's sad, but true, that we now live in a world that provides us with a plethora of data on anyone we wish to investigate. Emails, Facebook profiles, text messages, Snapchat, photos, videos, you name it, it's out there. It's possible your relationship could cause jealousy among other coworkers, and wild accusations could be made.

If you can document that your partner got a raise or promotion through his or her achievements, and not the relationship, then you can shut down those creaking gates quickly. And if you should break up, those wild accusations may come from the person you were seeing. Again, good documentation can save you from some messy, fictional scandals.

If the relationship ends, be professional — very professional

Your office romance may last until the end of your life. It may also be over in a few weeks, months, or years. If the relationship does come to an end while you are both still working for the same company, tread very carefully. You may well be in a position to make life a living hell for your ex, and if he or she left the relationship on a sour note, you may be very tempted to.

However, it can only lead to pain and suffering for both parties, and to a lesser extent, the rest of the company. A well-oiled machine may break down due to animosity, or even hatred. If the other person is dating someone new, jealousy could drive your decision-making. When that happens, it's a slippery slope to a vendetta, and the loss of a job for one or both of you.

So, keep it professional. If it's painful to see each other at work after the break up, find ways to avoid the other person. Can you be transferred to a department that provides less contact? Do you have to go to every meeting, or will emails and phone calls suffice? And the big question … should one of you move on to a different company?

Remember, while it's not advisable to get involved with someone at the office, if you establish a real connection with someone, you should let nature take its course. You may find that one amazing person that you spend the rest of your life with; jobs, on the other hand, come and go.

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This article is from Paul Michael of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

Ask the Readers: How Do You Show Love Without Spending Money?

Ashley Jacobs — Tue, 14 Feb 2017 10:30:39 +0000

Editor's Note: Congratulations to Donna D, Lynda, and Michelle for winning this week's contest!

Happy Valentine's Day! Today is a celebration of love. Retailers want you think that the best way to express your love is to buy a gift for your special someone, but we know that love don't cost a thing.

How do you show love without spending money? What was the best, no-cost gift you've ever received? How do you celebrate love when it isn't Valentine's Day?

Tell us how you show love without spending money and we'll enter you in a drawing to win a $20 Amazon Gift Card!

Win 1 of 3 $20 Amazon Gift Cards

We're doing three giveaways — here's how you can win!

Mandatory Entry:

Post your answer in the comments below. One commenter will be randomly selected to win a $20 Amazon Gift Card!

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You can tweet about our giveaway for an extra entry. Also, our Facebook fans can get an extra entry too! Use our Rafflecopter widget for your chance to win one of the other two Amazon Gift Cards:

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Giveaway Rules:

Contest ends Monday, February 20th at 11:59 p.m. Pacific. Winners will be announced after February 20th on the original post. Winners will also be contacted via email.
You can enter all three drawings — once by leaving a comment, once by liking our Facebook update, and once by tweeting.
This promotion is in no way sponsored, endorsed or administered, or associated with Facebook.
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Tell us how you show love without spending money and we'll enter you in a drawing to win a $20 Amazon Gift Card!

This article is from Ashley Jacobs of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

6 Ways Lust Is Keeping You Poor

Paul Michael — Tue, 14 Feb 2017 10:01:04 +0000

When you hear the word lust, your mind naturally wanders to sexual desire. But lust goes way beyond that. At the heart of lust is an intense longing for something, be it sex, money, power, possessions, knowledge, war, experience, or as the song goes, life. Sometimes that intense longing is a great motivator, and can drive you to do great things. However, it can also be the root of some serious money problems. Here are seven such examples. How many do you recognize?

1. It Drives You to Buy More Than You Need

An insatiable lust to have the latest, greatest gadgets, clothing, shoes, and other possessions, can leave you in serious financial trouble. For some people, it's not enough to have a good phone. It needs to be the newest model, even if that means replacing a model that's barely six months old.

Other people get a rush, and a release of endorphins, when buying new products. They feel a sense of great joy, a thrill, when they purchase items like jewelry, watches, cars, and purses. That thrill, much like the pleasure felt when drinking alcohol or smoking a cigarette, can become addictive. You want to replicate it, and have to keep doing so over and over again. TV shows like Hoarding: Buried Alive have featured people that have rooms filled with clothing, shoes, coats, gadgets, and jewelry that have not only never been used… they were not even taken out of the shopping bags.

2. It Can Lead to Destructive Addictions

At a base level, lust for sex and sexual imagery has become an increasingly dangerous problem in the U.S., and around the world. Easy, instant access to X-rated materials on the Internet has led to thousands of cases of addiction to this highly stimulating resource. And while it is free on some levels, it can become expensive, especially with monthly subscription fees and webcam model charges. What's worse is that this addiction can spill over into other avenues of life. People become so obsessed that they look up materials at work, leading to disciplinary action and job losses. Relationships suffer, and the abuse of alcohol, marijuana, and even food, leads the addict into a spiraling cycle of defeat and depression.

3. It Can Severely Cloud Your Judgment

When engulfed by lust, your brain is not thinking clearly. And again, this is not just about sexual desire. A prime example of this can be found at any auction, when several people want the same item, and a bidding war breaks out. People who are normally of very sound mind, and who set a price they would not go over before the auction, lose their common sense. They want it. They have to have it. They will go over their limit by hundreds, or even thousands of dollars. Some have described the experience as being in a euphoric fog, which clears and makes way for shame and regret once the furor has died down. You may have experienced something like this yourself, especially if you've done a little gambling in Las Vegas. Lust for money, sex, and power can all lead to some very muddy thinking.

4. It Consumes Your Valuable Time

Lust is one of the seven deadly sins that can utterly consume your every waking moment. When you are gripped by lust, nothing else matters. Indeed, the very definition of lust contains words like "uncontrollable desire" and "inordinate cravings," neither of which can be viewed as positive. People under the spell of lust will find themselves constantly performing actions that keep them highly focused on the object of their intense affections, be it a person, a possession, or a promotion. Nothing else matters. Your life, and your existence, bows down to this one overwhelming drive, and you can find it very easy to block out all other aspects of life. Bills don't get paid. Loved ones go ignored. Your performance at work suffers. Your time is being eaten up by one thing, and that can only lead to a loss… in more ways than one.

5. It Makes You Do Things That Are Out of Character

Someone obsessed by a deep desire for something will start to make decisions that are surprising, or even shocking to friends and family. You have no doubt witnessed it yourself. Perhaps a good friend became infatuated with someone at work, and started to do things that were way out of character; for instance, spending more money on items and pastimes that they would never have done a few months earlier. This is lust at its darkest and most dangerous. When you really want something; when nothing else matters; when the pursuit and possession of something is your only goal; that's when you can momentarily lose yourself and in the process, lose friends, money, opportunities — even your job.

6. It Can Literally Destroy Your Life

That may sound dramatic, but it's a sad fact. Every year, thousands of people around the world find their lives in ruins due to the domino effect of lust. For some people, they get embroiled in the highly addictive world of adult websites, forking over monthly fees and exposing their credit cards to some very sketchy businesses. Identity theft is common when the victim is engaging in an activity they would rather not let other people find out about. It can be embarrassing to report, and even harder to pursue a claim. Other people lust after things they just cannot have, and get into debt, gamble, take out payday loans, and find themselves in a world of financial hurt. And then there are those who lose friends and family, which can lead to substance abuse and other forms of hardship. At the end of the day, lust is dangerous because it controls you, way more than any other sin. If you don't spot the warning signs early enough, you could find yourself in serious trouble.

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This article is from Paul Michael of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

Best Money Tips: 6 Ways to Attract Love in Your Life

Amy Lu — Thu, 28 Jul 2016 10:00:10 +0000

Welcome to Wise Bread's Best Money Tips Roundup! Today we found articles on ways to attract love, things you should be cleaning (but aren’t), and items that are actually cheaper at Whole Foods.

Flashback Friday: 104 Sweet Ways to Celebrate Valentine's Day

Chrissa Hardy — Fri, 12 Feb 2016 11:00:10 +0000

Valentine's Day is all about the love, but it's also about the money. And we tend to spend a whole lot of it just to show our significant others how much they mean to us. As nice as it is to give — or to receive — a shiny new toy, or a bundle of chocolates, it's simply not necessary to expressing your love for your favorite person. You can celebrate Valentine's Day with your partner without breaking the bank.

Here are 104 sweet (and frugal) ways to celebrate Valentine's Day this year.

14 Ways to Spend Less Money on Valentine's Day — Show your Valentine how much you adore them without emptying your wallet. These low-cost and super romantic Valentine's Day date ideas will have your sweetie swooning.

13 Ways to Make Money From Valentine's Day — Who knew you could actually turn a profit on one of the most expensive holidays of the year? Turn on your entrepreneurial side and cash in on Valentine's Day this year.

14 (Mostly) Frugal Valentine’s Day Recipes — Skip the crowds and pricey Prix Fixe menus and make a romantic meal at home. These yummy Valentine's Day recipes will meet your budget and satisfy your tastebuds.

15 Delicious Homemade Treats Your Valentine Will Love — Would anyone turn down chocolate covered strawberries? What about red velvet cookie pops? Here are a bunch of delectable DIY sweet treats that can't miss.

20 Valentine's Day Gifts for $10 or Less — All you need is a crisp $10 bill to get something special for your special someone. It doesn't get any easier or more budget-friendly than that, folks.

Celebrate Love, Not Money, With These Recycled Valentine's Day Gifts — You know what they say, "One man's trash is another man's extremely thoughtful, gently used Valentine's Day gift." Wait, that's not right. But whatever! These thrifted gifts are sure to woo your one and only.

Affordable Flowers for Valentine's Day (or Any Day) — Roses are red. Violets are blue. Don't buy roses on Valentine's Day when these other gorgeous flowers will do!

14 Valentine’s Day Desserts That Hit the (Sweet) Spot — True story: the way to anyone's heart is through their stomach. And whipping up any of these rich and delish Valentine's Day desserts will make you the best Valentine ever.

How are you celebrating Valentine's Day this year? Share with us in the comments!

This article is from Chrissa Hardy of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

Celebrate Love, Not Money, With These Recycled Valentine's Day Gifts

Kentin Waits — Wed, 10 Feb 2016 16:00:08 +0000

Are you tired of feeling more anxious than excited as each major holiday rolls around? Do you think it's absurd that Valentine's Day merchandise starts hitting the shelves the day after Christmas? Me too. This Valentine's Day, let's stage a coup and not spend a single dime on trinkets and gimmicks and glittery gewgaws. Let's escape the clichés and consumerism and return to true romance with these second-hand Valentine's Day gift ideas.

1. A Book of Classical Poetry

Want to wax romantic but can't find the words? Buy a used book of classical poetry for $1.50 and bookmark your favorite selections with a little paper heart.

2. Vintage Stemware

Pair a bottle of good wine with a set of antique wine glasses and turn a cliché gift into the ultimate romantic gesture. For maximum impact, choose ornate etched or cut stemware pieces (around $1.00 each at most thrift shops). Don't be afraid to mix patterns and don't worry about finding complete sets — after all, just two glasses will do!

3. Two Identical Books

Isn't the real value of any holiday time spent together? This Valentine's Day, visit your local Goodwill store and pick up two copies of the same book — one for you and one for your better half. Start your own little romantic reading group for less than $5.00. Read in bed together, discuss the plot twists over breakfast, and start a whole new conversation between the two of you.

4. A Project Piece for Two

Ready to take togetherness to the next level? Browse your local thrift store for a small project you can work on with your loved one. Choose something that presents a fun challenge but won't overwhelm you or your partner (remember, frustration and exhaustion aren't sexy). Restore a weathered birdhouse, beat-up bench, or salvaged mirror. Then, bask in the glow of your combined creative genius. (See also: 18 Amazing DIY Decorating Projects That Are Easier Than You Think)

5. An Antique Vase

Amp up your flower power and turn a conventional gift into a something entirely unique. Pick up an antique porcelain or stoneware vase for a few bucks and, instead of roses, add a less expensive wildflower bouquet. Can't find a vase that suits you? Try a large vintage canning jar.

6. A Vintage Frame

Buy a vintage picture frame for just a couple of dollars and add a photo from your honeymoon, anniversary, or other special occasion. Are you half of a brand-new couple? Take a series of retro photobooth-style pics (yes, there's an app for that) while holding printed messages like "Be Mine," "Our First Valentine's Day," or "Love Me Tender."

7. An Antique Porcelain Plate

Buy a hand-painted antique plate or small silver-plated tray. Fill with individually-wrapped fine chocolates and add a handmade card. It's the perfect gift and it costs less than $20.00. (See also: 15 Delicious Homemade Treats Your Valentine Will Love)

8. A Date Night Basket

Thrift stores are filled with baskets; pick up a large one for two or three bucks and fill it with everything you'll need for a stay-at-home date night. Add a favorite DVD, microwave popcorn, pretzels, craft beer, and a homemade "Do Not Disturb" sign for the front door.

What's your all-time favorite Valentine's Day gift? How do you and your special someone celebrate without all the commercialism?

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This article is from Kentin Waits of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

8 Relationship Mistakes Everyone Makes

Mikey Rox — Mon, 21 Dec 2015 12:00:03 +0000

One of the biggest issues I've found with relationships — in practically all of them — is that there are cracks in every façade; we just don't like to talk about them.

Even though it's not the easiest topic of conversation to engage in, I'm a staunch advocate for laying our problems out on the table with people we trust. Among close friends, we can talk about what's going on in our lives, receive feedback and advice, and most importantly, recognize that we're not alone in the problems we face with our significant others. After all, the truth will set you free, right?

In lieu of such grand admissions, let's back it up and start smaller, by identifying the universal relationship issues we all face but rarely talk about.

1. You Do Things Just to Please Your Partner

There's nothing wrong with doing something nice for your partner, even going out of your way at times to make them happy — consider it a byproduct of being in love. But when you start doing things just to please your partner – and you're doing them excessively – you run the risk of being disappointed, even more so when your proactiveness isn't warranted or requested. Eventually, you'll start to notice an imbalance in your relationship – you're pleasing your partner in various ways and he or she isn't following suit. It may be a situation that you created though, so how can you really be mad at that?

As a result, according to Michele Fabrega, love, intimacy, and sexuality coach for men, we can feel resentful when we start to expect our partner to make sacrifices for us.

"It can end up being a sort of ledger that we keep inside our heads, a competition of sorts," she says. "Instead, I like to invite my clients to really ask themselves, before they say yes to their partner's request, 'Is this something I can feel good about?' And if not, I invite partners to collaborate, not compromise."

2. You Become Codependent on One Another

We've all seen it happen to our friends: They start dating and spending more time together until eventually they can't spend time apart. That's not healthy, and if you're in this type of relationship, it's time to reevaluate your priorities.

"Some people don't allow themselves to sail through the infatuation stage, and because of this, some couples tend to lose their own lives and become intertwined in each other's," explains dating and life coach Annah Rose. "Their lives then become solely about each other."

Becoming codependent on one another is bad habit for any relationship, but especially one in the early stages. Even when you're trying to build the relationship in the beginning, each partner needs his or her space. Without breathing room, tensions eventually will mount, likely ending in a blow-up when someone feels smothered.

3. You Snoop on Each Other

"Once someone snoops they are labeled as 'crazy,' but here's the thing — in this day and age of social media and smartphones, more people than not are snooping. This becomes one of the unhealthiest traits to bring into a relationship," says Rose.

Let's dissect that. On one hand, most people in a relationship are guilty of snooping in some form of another; most likely as a result of something that raised their suspicion, but it's important to note here that it's not just women; men are doing it — in their own way, and whether they'd like to admit it or not. Secondly, snooping is never good for the relationship. People rarely get away with it, but it also signals a bigger problem — a complete lack of trust. Maybe that's justified, but I can tell you from firsthand experience that once this habit is established, it won't stop, and neither will the activity that facilitated it. In that case, you're both going to have a hard road trying to keep that relationship together… because it probably should've ended a long time ago.

4. You Blame Each Other When Things Go Wrong

Nobody likes to admit they're wrong or at fault for whatever goes awry in a relationship, and that's never clearer than when romantic partners are in an argument. Accusations fly and fingers are pointed in an attempt to absolve oneself from responsibility for whatever you're fighting about. As we all know, however, that gets us nowhere, and Fabrega offers an alternative solution.

"Relationships are complex and the way each of us responds or reacts to life situations are infinitely unique," she says. "Rather than go into blame or criticism, I like to encourage people to bring compassionate curiosity to the situation. What am I feeling? What happened here? What led to this outcome? What can I learn from this situation? What do I wish I had done differently? If partners can come together and be on the same team to address a problem, they can be part of the solution. This is key relationship skill that partners can strengthen over time."

5. You Try to Change the Other Person

I think we've all watched enough Oprah and Dr. Phil to know that we can't change our partners, no matter how hard we try. It's a fool's errand that will end up in heartbreak, so it's best to accept your partner's flaws, or move on.

You also should do some soul searching of your own. If you want your partner to change so badly, they're probably not right for you. Find someone else who more closely embodies what you want in a man or woman, if only so you're not making your partner feel like they're not good enough all the time. That's not fair to them, and you're doing what's best for you either.

6. You Aren't Empathetic Enough With One Another

When two people love each other, they want the best for each other. Which is why it's interesting and confusing and sad that when couples argue with one another, they can be downright evil. Passion has a way of taking over sometimes, but it's important to remember that there's no taking back what you say to one another.

"Humans are pretty self-centered and we rarely look at another person's circumstances," says couples' therapist and relationship podcaster Eboni Harris. "If your partner says something hurtful, think about times that you have used the wrong words and it led to an argument. Wouldn't you want the chance to explain what you meant in a safe conversation before your partner jumped down your throat? If you know that your partner loves you and is not in the habit of purposefully hurting you, give them an opportunity to explain."

7. You Withhold "Uncomfortable" Information

Here's something to chew on: We communicate more than ever with text messages, social media, dating apps, etc., but we rarely talk about anything worthwhile anymore. That goes double for those touchy subjects that we've always had a hard time discussing, and not being forthcoming with our partners can create a wedge in the relationship that sometimes drive us apart.

8. You Create Impossible Expectations

We've all pretty much been brainwashed to believe that we deserve the perfect partner. You know the one: amazing credentials online, they live incredible lives according to their various profiles, have the best families, are well-traveled, neatly dressed, blah blah blah. And physically, they're the ideal specimens — fit, attractive, curves in all the right places, and so on. So, of course, good luck (and God help you) with that!

But as Mitch Kahan, co-founder of the dating app InviteUp, warns, spending too much time cultivating relationships online instead of offline can set up you up for failure, over and over again.

"All the pre-date chatting builds up expectations, possibly to an unreachable level," he says. "The same goes for spending too much time texting your significant other; most people can't compete in person with the version of them you create in your head. Spending weeks chatting online are better served spending time in person where you can get a real feel for your chemistry without the buffer of text communications."

What other relationship mistakes are we making but not talking about? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

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This article is from Mikey Rox of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

Make These 6 Relationship Moves Now or You'll Regret It in 20 Years

Amanda Meadows — Wed, 28 Oct 2015 15:15:19 +0000

There's no science to relationships. That said, communication is key to keeping you and your significant other together and happy in the face of everyday setbacks. If the goal is to grow old together in matching rocking chairs, then make these six relationship moves or you'll regret it in 20 years. (See also: Avoid These 5 Pitfalls When Moving in Together)

1. Speak Up and Say No

Being assertive with your wants and needs is just as important as being compassionate and considerate of your partner's needs. This goes for both big and small topics: You don't like carnations, but you keep getting them on your birthday. You grin and bear it through The Big Bang Theory, because it's their favorite show. Your partner wants kids and you don't. Your partner wants a house in their home state someday and you don't want to move. This is also true with intimacy preferences. If you've tried something in bed enough times to know you don't like it, speak up — sexual incompatibility is a chief cause for many breakups and divorces. It's better to address it now.

What this prevents: A sense of obligation to do something you don't like. If it goes long enough, resentment and hostility will bubble up to the surface. Your partner will also be upset, because you didn't articulate your wants and needs in the first place.

2. Delete Your Dating Apps

We all know someone in a relationship who still flips through OKCupid and Match, or swipes through Tinder or Grindr after a beer or two. Why are you still there? If you don't think the relationship is working out, then it might be time to end it. Most people in a committed relationship would expect their partners to at least ignore those websites and unsubscribe to their emails. At the end of the day, you put yourself in a position that calls your trustworthiness into question.

What this prevents: Possibly unwarranted accusations of cheating. If you're not in an open or poly relationship, you could lose your partner's trust.

3. Schedule Date Nights

Ugh, date nights, right? They sound as if they would suck the romance out of your currently stable and happy relationship. However, after a few years, there's always a slump. Every couple faces it and wonders, are we still in love? You get so comfortable that you forget to celebrate each other and the love that you share. Ideally, couples would automatically set aside one night per week (or at least per month) as a special date night. It could be any date ritual that is important to you. It's fun to dress up a little and go somewhere to show each other off.

What this prevents: Boredom, loneliness, and the dreaded "We never go anywhere!" fights.

4. Sort Out Your Finances Together

No one likes doing this. Instead, we make assumptions and hope for the best until a surprise comes our way. This is a recipe for disaster if you're planning to be in a relationship for the long haul with someone. Even if you aren't married, you should be upfront about debt, savings goals, budgets, and spending habits. Be willing to share and take advice from each other. If anyone has a decent chance at helping you improve your finances, it's a loving partner who shares your goals.

What this prevents: The unwelcome surprise that your partner has $100,000 in student loan debt, which will exacerbate the already stressful fights over spending, bills, and savings down the road.

5. Share a Hobby

It's always a good idea to share activities that remind you why you liked each other in the first place. Do you both collect art? Do you both enjoy hunting? Do you both want to learn a skill? Find an affordable and fun thing that you can enjoy together on a basic level, as friends. Because friendship is the solid base of any romantic relationship. Share opinions and help each other grow at your chosen skill. This might sound like a recreational "elective," but consider how much closer sharing a passion or collaborating toward a goal could bring you together.

What this prevents: Lack of shared purpose beyond the household, which can lead to resentment and estrangement. Or, having fights about one partner being "too into" a hobby that excludes the other.

6. Know When It's Over

There are a myriad of reasons why you could want to end a relationship. Perhaps your life goals don't mesh, or one of you won't go to couple's therapy, or you're no longer having sex. If something is a dealbreaker for you, you have to declare it as such. If you've already talked through your needs in an open and compassionate way many times before, with no results, you need the courage to end the relationship, because it's what's best for both of you. Don't hang on waiting for a force majeure to occur. That's how people remain in relationships with abusive or emotionally absent partners. No one deserves that.

What this prevents: Feeling trapped in a stagnant, unloving, or toxic relationship for years.

What are you doing to keep your relationship fresh and strong for the long haul?

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This article is from Amanda Meadows of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

5 Easy Things Science Says You Should Do for Your Family

Andrea Cannon — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 17:00:37 +0000

We'd all like to create healthier, stronger families and deeper, more meaningful relationships. Fortunately, science provides some simple things to strengthen your family bonds. (See also: 5 Easy Things Science Says You Should Do for Your Body Every Day)

1. Learn to Communicate With Each Other

Most parents want to speak with their children more and know more about their lives (particularly in the teen years), but when your child decides to speak with you, are you ready to listen? Simplifying their experiences and emotions, or comparing their experiences with your own, may just push your child away further. Instead, let them know that you are always there to listen and help when needed. Listening attentively and uncritically is the best thing you can do for your child or teen when they want to confide in you. Once they are done talking, calmly repeat what you heard them say to show them that you are listening and understand their feelings and actions. If they want your advice or input, they will ask for it.

Don't hold a grudge when dealing with loved ones. According to the Mayo Clinic, holding onto a grudge won't leave much room for happiness. Whether you've been holding onto negative feelings for the short or long-term, it only wastes time and increases stress for everyone involved. Holding onto resentment and negative feelings can even take a toll on your physical health, heart health, and sanity. Instead, talk things out and forgive, even if it's only for your own benefit. It may have all been a misunderstanding in the first place.

2. Spend Time Together

Simply spending more time together will help your family members feel closer and more connected to one another. In fact, family experts recommend sharing meals together as often as possible to benefit your kids' mental health (and your own in the process). Spending as little as five minutes together over food and good conversation can help improve your overall relationship and lighten up everyone's spirits.

3. Get Outdoors

Spending time together is the first step in bonding and creating a closer relationship. Studies have shown that spending time outdoors when the weather is nice can also have a direct effect on your happiness. Find activities you can do together, particularly outdoor activities, such as hiking, biking, walking, star gazing, and visiting the beach. Not only will you benefit from being outdoors, but you will also get some exercise together. Exercising has a direct effect on your health, fitness, and happiness. And getting a sweat in with family members can also keep you all motivated and on track together.

4. Gift More

You know the old saying that it's better to give than to receive? Well, it's true. A 2008 study showed that when 46 participants were given money to spend, those who spent the money on other people showed a higher level of happiness, compared to those who spent the money on themselves. And at the end of the day, who doesn't like getting a gift from someone they love?

Gifts don't always have to cost money. Telling someone how much you love them can brighten their day and their outlook on life. Along with giving more to others, it's important to also show your gratitude for things and people you feel thankful for. This will make your family members feel more loved and appreciated, and you can also benefit from associated emotional and interpersonal benefits in the process.

5. Smile More

Creating a household of positivity is key in encouraging your children. By simply smiling more and thinking positively, you can encourage positive emotions, which have been shown to broaden thinking, improve attention spans, increase productivity, and improve family relationships. Smiling stimulates the brain's reward mechanisms even more than receiving money, chocolate, and other similar rewards. It has even been shown to alleviate physical and emotional pain, so practice genuinely smiling more everyday.

Everyone deals with stress, but your family should see the positive, supportive side of you. Positive psychology says that having and displaying positive emotions can have a significant impact on our physical and emotional well-being. Most importantly, smiling just shows your loved ones you care and encourages a household of positivity.

What are your favorite things to do to strengthen your family relationships? Please share your thoughts in the comments!

This article is from Andrea Cannon of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

10 Relationship Rules You Should Be Breaking

Mikey Rox — Wed, 15 Apr 2015 13:00:09 +0000

I don't know what it was like to be in a serious relationship back in the day — pre-social media, I mean — but I can imagine that it was much easier than it is in 2015. So much has changed over the past 20 — heck, even 10 — years that some of the most trusted and seemingly infallible relationship rules are now all but obsolete. The new school of thought on the issue? Adapt your relationship to today, or face certain doom.

To catch you up to speed, here's a look at some of the most prominent relationship rules of yore that you should start kickin' to the curb.

1. Not Going to Bed Angry

My parents still adhere to this rule — or at least this is a piece of advice that my mother gives me when my marriage hits a rough patch — but I don't buy it. When we first started out, we tried to resolve the issue at hand before bed, but it rarely resulted in a truce, and the more time wore on, we were just like, screw it, I'm tired, let's resume our battle stations in the morning.

I know we're not alone.

"If you follow this rule, it could mean a lot of late nights, and nothing escalates an argument more than sleep deprivation and mental exhaustion," says Dr. Jared DeFife, a clinical psychologist and relationship coach. "I see couples in my practice who feel like they have to adhere to this rule or resolve an argument right away, leading them to drawn-out disputes where nothing gets accomplished and everyone's nerves are fried. When it comes to arguments, it's ok to take a break; in fact, it might even be necessary. You can use that time to calm down, understand your emotions, and return with a level head and a more nuanced perspective."

And hey, there's always the possibility of make-up sex in the morning!

2. Thinking That Love Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry

Excuse while I LOL at this one. Whatever narcissistic dude came up with this (and I'm 100% certain it was a dude) was smokin' the good stuff — and I want some. Because the truth is, sometimes we're real capital Bs to our partners, and apologies are absolutely necessary.

"Nobody's perfect," Dr. DeFife reminds us. "Sometimes we're grumpy or short-tempered or do the wrong thing. The mark of a good partnership is not in never screwing up or having conflicts, but in being able to recognize those concerns and to effectively make repairs when things go awry. A well-thought through and meaningful apology can actually strengthen a relationship in areas of discontent or disconnection."

I think I'll have that quote printed on a stack of Post-it Notes and hide them in my husband's desk.

3. Playing Hard to Get

Playing hard to get can be fun. But giving the guy or girl the runaround for an extended period of time so you can feed your own ego as they try harder and harder to get your attention also can be dangerous.

"This includes waiting an X amount of days or minutes before calling or texting, dumping men who do not initiate contact, and only scheduling activities on certain days or times of the day," explains Dr. Carolyn C. Ferreira, a licensed clinical psychologist. "Playing hard to get is unattractive to both sexes, and it also prohibits people from being their real selves and expressing their true feelings, which is an overall bad way to begin a relationship."

4. Waiting a Set Amount of Time After a Breakup

Breaking up or getting a divorce can sometimes feel like somebody died. You've spent most of your time with your partner for however many months or years you were together, then all of a sudden, they're gone. If this was a serious relationship, grieving this loss is a normal emotional reaction, but you shouldn't let other people dictate how long you take to heal. Whenever you feel like you're ready to get back out there and find your next future ex, put on your going-out pants and get back in the game.

"People grieve loss at their own pace; someone may be over a divorce in a month, whereas it might take someone else six months," Dr. Ferreira says.

5. Perpetuating Gender Stereotypes at Home

My husband and I have battled with this since the day we moved in together — and we're two dudes. Speaking as a man then, it's kind of insulting when someone expects that you'll do the cooking and cleaning because that's traditionally what the female in the relationship does. Not that I mind doing it — for the most part — but I don't want it to be an expectation because I'm the smaller, more creative partner in the relationship. I still have dude parts, dude. This type of thinking applies to any scenario, and as far as I'm concerned you can take that "Honeymooners" BS and shove it.

"Adhering to household tasks based on gender roles and stereotypes should also be reconsidered by couples," adds Dr. Ferreira. "Instead of completing tasks because you're the man or woman, couples should look at their strengths and weaknesses as a couple in order to decide who does what. For example, it does not make sense for the man to take care of the finances if he does not know what an Excel spreadsheet is, but his wife does because she's a business owner."

Might be time to start shakin' things up on the homefront, eh?

6. Believing That Fighting Is Healthy

Having lovers' quarrels every now and then is okay; it's good to get issues off your chest. Screaming in each other's face on a regular basis isn't. It's wise to note too that the term "fighting" is relative, and it behooves you to keep your definition of it in check to avoid a dangerous downward spiral.

"There are many myths and expectations about fighting in marriage," says Dr. Tina B. Tessina, psychotherapist and author of "Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage." "Couples come into my office frequently believing that fighting is a necessary part of being a couple, that all married couples fight, and it's a normal part of marriage. But the fact is that fighting accomplishes nothing, and it isn't necessary for couples to argue, to yell, or to have heated discussions to get problems solved. Hanging on to these ideas makes it difficult to let go of fighting."

P.S. Don't ever let anybody hit you. Ever. It's not your fault, and you don't deserve it.

7. Searching for Your Soulmate (When You May Not Have One)

What if your soulmate died before you had a chance to meet? Too depressing? I'll let Patricia Johnson and Mark Michaels, relationship experts and co-authors of "Partners in Passion," explain why you may not have a soulmate in a more palatable way.

"In contemporary society, there is a very common superstition that finding one's soulmate — sometimes called a 'twin flame' — is the key to having a true pair-bond, and that in the absence of this 'other half,' no intimate relationship will be fully satisfying," Johnson and Michaels say. "Two very damaging concepts are implicit in this belief: first, that there is a single, ideal partner out there in the world for every individual, and second, that people are incomplete until they find their 'other half.'"

In other words, stop holding out and start living more. You never know who you'll encounter along the way.

8. Accepting That Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

Society — especially American culture — wants us to believe that men and women are so different that it's like we're each from separate planets. Yes, we have differences, but we also have many similarities that nobody ever seems to want to talk about because it's not interesting enough to sell 50 million books worldwide.

"We're not the first to observe that people of all genders are from Earth," Johnson and Michaels explain. "Beyond that, men and women have more in common with each other than with any other creature on the planet. To make blanket generalizations is not helpful except on the most superficial level. This model builds on older myths — the concepts of 'opposite sexes' and 'the battle of the sexes' — and reconfigures them in therapeutic terms. Despite this reframing, the model is still an adversarial one, and adversarial models are not optimal for nurturing harmonious relationships or fueling sexual passion, except in very small doses. Having the sense that you're on opposing teams will only foster conflict."

9. Assuming That Monogamy Is Natural and Optimal

So I don't get in trouble down the road for providing my personal opinion on long-term relationships and monogamy, I'll let Johnson and Michaels give you theirs.

"If human biology inspires us both to form intimate pair bonds and to seek contacts outside of those bonds, then what makes for a healthy relationship is considerably more complex than dogmatic advocates of monogamy (or non monogamy for that matter) would have us believe," say the pair. "At the same time, the impulse to bond deeply with another is not something that should be dismissed lightly. Our species varies a great deal, and it's a mistake to think about absolutes when it comes to monogamy and non-monogamy."

10. Dating Within Your Type

Just like I don't want all skinny, redheaded, melanin-free friends, I don't think it's very interesting to pursue a certain "type" of person in a romantic capacity. I've dated all types of guys — white, black, Asian, Indian, Middle Eastern, and Latino — and it has only served to broaden my horizons. Still, I have plenty of friends — especially the religious ones — who refuse to date outside their race or faith. To each their own of course, but I totally think they're missing out.

Relationship expert April Masini agrees.

"One of the best ways to get out of a dating rut is to date a Republican if you're a Democrat, or someone rich if you're poor, or a creative type if you're by the book," she says. "Date out of your religious or racial group. Date someone your mother wouldn't fix you up with — were you to let her. It'll shake up any rigidity you've succumbed to, and it's a great way to find love. It also expands your resources and gives you a bigger dating pool."

What are some of the relationship rules that you think we should be breaking? Let me know in the comments below.

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This article is from Mikey Rox of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

Happily Ever After: How to Stay Married for 29 Years (and Counting)

Kate Luther — Thu, 25 Jul 2013 09:48:31 +0000

At the end of this month, my husband and I will celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary. Yes, 29 years. Holy bananas! How time flies!

Now, given the current divorce rate, 29 years is a pretty impressive milestone, but what makes it even more noteworthy is that we're not the perfect couple — not by a long shot. (See also: How to Be Happy and Married: 24 Tips from a 24-Year-Old Marriage)

Truth be told, he drives me crazy on most days, and judging from the pulsing vein in his forehead and his standing prescription to Xanax, I'd say he feels much the same way about me. And yet, here we are, totally content (for the most part) and excited about what the next 29 years will bring.

So, how did we do it?

Walk Your Own Path

My man is a big guy with a dominating personality. It's one of the things I love about him, but it's also a stark contrast to my more "accommodating" nature.

Consequently, I spent the first year of our marriage doing my best to keep him happy and avoid any arguments because, well, that's just what I do.

Until that is, my mother told me it was "okay" to disagree. "You're married now," she said, "but that doesn't mean you disappear. It doesn't mean you stop being you."

Of all the advice my mother has ever given me, that is by far the best.

All too often, we look to someone else to make us happy, believing that we have to trade our own sense of fulfillment for being in a relationship. We put our dreams on hold and take a big detour off our chosen path, expecting the relationship itself to be enough to sustain us.

And then, we're disappointed when it isn't.

The thing is, your partner never actually agreed to take responsibility for your happiness, or the lack thereof. They're not supposed to take charge of your journey — they're just supposed to be there to share it with you.

Fortunately, the fix is simple — don't disappear.

Both of you have to be your totally authentic and amazing selves.

Love the One You're With

While we're on the subject of authenticity, let's also talk about the importance of acceptance.

Many a relationship has ended due to "irreconcilable differences," and yet many of those differences are often some of the same traits and tendencies we possessed from day one. Granted, we do a decent job of hiding at least some of these traits at the beginning because we're on our best behavior and looking to impress.

It's only after we've got a commitment that we begin to let our guard down, and that's when the disillusionment typically begins.

Our entertainment adds to that illusion by showing us relationships that are steeped in an unrealistic amount of drama and excitement. We've been bombarded by worlds where true love is akin to magic, where the passion is overwhelming, where the participants always look beautiful, and where the lovers must overcome tremendous odds to win the freedom to finally be together. They'll succeed of course, because True Love always wins out.

Even though we know those worlds are fictional, we can't help but be moved by their passion and desire; we want that. And it influences our perception of what a relationship should be.

So, it's no wonder that we become disenchanted by the day-to-day grind of a real relationship. There are bills to pay, dishes to wash, carpets to vacuum, and toilets to scrub.

Your partner is consistently showing you who they really are (and vice versa), so stop being so surprised when those traits and tendencies continue into the relationship.

We have a bad habit of seeing people the way we want to see them rather than as what they're showing us. We see the diamond in the rough, full of promise and potential. They just need a good dose of our own special love and guidance to bring it all out.

And then we feel betrayed when they don't live up to our expectations.

You don't have to love everything about your partner, but you do have to love them for who they are right now — quirks, eccentricities, and all. If you can do that, you're already on the road to a long and happy relationship.

Learn What Matters and What Doesn't

If my husband and I were to take a compatibility quiz, I can almost guarantee that we'd fail.

I love books; he prefers to wait for the movie. He sees life from a very organized, black and white perspective; while I'm a more creative, many shades of gray type of girl.

He's atheist; I'm pagan. He likes meat; I like tofu and sprouts. I wanted five kids when we got married; he was "iffy" about maybe having one. And the list goes on and on.

We are, for all intents and purposes, opposites of one another. We've obviously had to make some concessions and compromises along the way.

But what we realized is that very few issues required an all or nothing approach. We come together on the things that matter: we love our kids, we love each other, and we both believe that there's always room to grow and change.

And that's been enough of a foundation to make these last 29 years work. Yes, it's been quite a roller-coaster ride, but then who doesn't love the roller coaster?

Maybe that's a tip worth noting as well.

Learn to Roll With It

I have friends who, as soon as a new relationship looks like it might become serious, insist on having lengthy conversations about everything from the number of children they'll have to the amount of money they'll make, and they're willing to call it quits if the answers they get don't match up with their own.

But having such a rigid blueprint for the future leaves nothing to chance, and if there's one constant in this universe, it's that anything and everything could change from one minute to the next.

Our different personalities and perspectives might mean we have to work a little harder to find common ground, but it also makes that common ground much more exciting and enjoyable. It also almost guarantees that we'll never have to worry about getting stuck in a rut or becoming bored, two things that almost always lead to those irreconcilable differences.

Fight Right

During my stint in the corporate world, I noticed that the guys in the office were able to battle it out in a meeting and then go to lunch as if the altercation had never even happened. That's not to say that all men are masters of this skill or that they aren't capable of being mean and petty and vengeful when they want to be — they definitely are. But I saw this "fight-and-forget-it" mentality happen with enough consistency, that it prompted me to think about how I approached conflict in my own relationships.

Here's what I've learned.

First and foremost, it's okay to fight. In fact, it's absolutely expected if you want the relationship to last and the closer you are to someone, the more likely you are to disagree along the way.

You and your beloved are two unique individuals, sharing space, and making joint decisions that will have a lasting impact on both of your lives. Of course you're going to disagree, and sometimes, that disagreement will become heated. But with a few ground rules, your relationship can survive and even grow from the experience.

Ground Rule #1: Don't Take It Personally

Many disagreements are just that — a disagreement, as in "I think this while you think that." It doesn't mean your perspective isn't equally as valid — just that your partner doesn't share it. And sometimes that one little insight is the difference between a "discussion" and a knock-down, drag-out, you're-sleeping-on-the-couch fight.

Ground Rule #2: Stay on Point and Be Very Clear on What You're Fighting About

It's easy to bring up past infractions when it supports your position, but then don't be surprised when your partner becomes defensive. Ditto if you use the words "always" or "never" in your argument. Because now it's not just one issue you don't agree on — it's his or her character that's in question. And when one of you is defensive, you're no longer having a productive argument.

Ground Rule #3: Learn How to Walk Away

Fights are supposed to help you get things out in the open and (hopefully) shed some light on how to move forward. When things get too heated, our emotions kick in and we have a tendency to resort to some pretty nasty tactics. That's when you both should walk away. Go cool off, and come back when you're able to be more rational and reasonable. Your fights will be much more constructive.

Learn How to Forgive

You've probably heard the old adage "don't go to bed angry," and to that, I say "get real." If we fight in the morning and have all day to cool off, then we might be fine by the time we head off to bed.

But if the fight takes place in the evening or if he just really pushes my buttons, then I won't pretend I'm not mad just because we're going to bed, and neither does he. But what we will do is set aside our anger and let the other know we love them, even if we don't like them very much at the moment.

Which is enough to allow both of us to end the day. Sometimes, we're fine by the next morning, sometimes we're not, but we both know we'll eventually get back to where we need to be.

That's how we're able to say what we need to say when we're having a fight — we know we're going to make up. No grudges, no paybacks, no penalties of any kind. It makes it easier to fight and it makes it a lot easier to make up.

So that's what's helped make the first 29 years of my marriage a pretty solid success. I hope it brings you the peace and happiness that it's brought me.

How long have you been with the one you're with? What makes it work?

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This article is from Kate Luther of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

Why I Love Lists

Kentin Waits — Tue, 28 May 2013 10:00:34 +0000

I love making lists. In fact, lists of all sorts organize and drive big parts of my life. I scrawl grocery lists, make quick lists of what I need to accomplish each day, make detailed lists of my tasks at work, keep lists of books I want to read, make lists of financial goals I want to achieve each year and — this one’s weird — I even make a list of every single article of clothing I’ll need to pack before I leave on a business trip or vacation. Call me anal, call me obsessive, call me a Type A personality — just give me a pen a piece of paper so I can keep track. (See also: 5 Hi-Tech To-Do Lists: Get It Done!)

A List Is an Idol

For me, and I suspect for many others, list-making is an exercise in meditation. It’s a clearing of the mind long enough to understand what needs to be done, what gets priority, and how many of our to-dos are interrelated and mutually dependent. Lists become a way to not only keep several balls in the air (a juggling trick many readers have practiced to perfection), but also a way to structure our days, or weeks, or months so that all of these little lists add up to some serious accomplishments.

A List Is a Promise

There’s something about making lists that’s supremely active. After all, isn’t making a list the very first step in achieving everything on it? Isn’t writing down what needs to be done a sort of declaration that you intend to do it? I think so. An honest and well-intentioned list is a promise to your future self, even if that future is just eight hours or a week away. Together, the humble list and the reflective list-maker plot to get things done — and it’s all documented on sticky-notes, on the backs of receipts, in daily planners, on our laptops and smart phones, on blackboards and whiteboards — even in the dust on the dashboards of our cars.

Making and Managing a List, Step-by-Step

My personal list-making process has been refined by years of trial and error. It goes something like this.

I make each day’s list the night before in my daily planner (a cheap little thing that I buy for $2.29 at my local dollar store quite ceremoniously every January).
As I complete each task, I check it off my list — an act that’s so sweetly satisfying that I blush to write about it here (die-hard list-makers, you know what I mean). The goal is to have nothing but a series of checkmarks by day’s end (and that’s a good day indeed, a red-wine-before-bed kind of day).
Whatever I didn’t accomplish from the previous day gets carried over to the next.
I review my lists briefly at the end of each day, considering what I accomplished or didn’t accomplish as I craft a more realistic and strategic list for the next day. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I have some serious nerd tendencies (a moniker I wear with pride), but I truly enjoy these end-of-day list reviews. It’s as if in these moments I’m able to tell myself, “If you accomplished nothing else today, at least you did these things.”

The list creation and list review become bookends to my day, and the cycle seems to work.

In our multitasking world where we’re expected to check email, complete a report, and review a spreadsheet all while driving and cooking a nutritious meal, lists are a line drawn in the sand of insanity. They are a methodical, reasonable, wonderfully old-fashioned method of getting things done consciously. Lists are a nod to the joy and the wisdom of mono-tasking; they're a way to carve out some mental space to plan, to keep a healthy pace, and really complete a task before moving on to the next. And when you factor in those hard won checkmarks, well…let’s just say that list-making can be deeply rewarding.

Are you list-maker? How do you keep yourself motivated as you work through each task? What advice would you give to new list-makers?

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This article is from Kentin Waits of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

Best Money Tips: Balancing Love and Money

Ashley Jacobs — Tue, 12 Feb 2013 10:48:32 +0000

Welcome to Wise Bread's Best Money Tips Roundup! Today we found some fantastic articles on tips for balancing love and money, saving big on winter utilities, and how to start an IRA.

love

Ask the Readers: How Do You Express Your Love Besides "I Love You?"

Win 1 of 3 $20 Amazon Gift Cards

Giveaway Rules:

5 Ways to Cash in on Romantic Gifts From Exes

1. Visit a jeweler for an offer

2. Send it to the scrap heap

3. Tap into the online community

4. Post on social media

5. Sell it to a consignment shop

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How to Protect Your Job When You're in a Workplace Relationship

Check the employee handbook

Keep it between you and your partner

Set boundaries at work, and out of the office

Try not to date "up or down"

Document everything … just in case

If the relationship ends, be professional — very professional

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Ask the Readers: How Do You Show Love Without Spending Money?

Win 1 of 3 $20 Amazon Gift Cards

Mandatory Entry:

For Extra Entries:

Giveaway Rules:

6 Ways Lust Is Keeping You Poor

1. It Drives You to Buy More Than You Need

2. It Can Lead to Destructive Addictions

3. It Can Severely Cloud Your Judgment

4. It Consumes Your Valuable Time

5. It Makes You Do Things That Are Out of Character

6. It Can Literally Destroy Your Life

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Best Money Tips: 6 Ways to Attract Love in Your Life

Top 5 Articles

Other Essential Reading

Flashback Friday: 104 Sweet Ways to Celebrate Valentine's Day

Celebrate Love, Not Money, With These Recycled Valentine's Day Gifts

1. A Book of Classical Poetry

2. Vintage Stemware

3. Two Identical Books

4. A Project Piece for Two

5. An Antique Vase

6. A Vintage Frame

7. An Antique Porcelain Plate

8. A Date Night Basket

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8 Relationship Mistakes Everyone Makes

1. You Do Things Just to Please Your Partner

2. You Become Codependent on One Another

3. You Snoop on Each Other

4. You Blame Each Other When Things Go Wrong

5. You Try to Change the Other Person

6. You Aren't Empathetic Enough With One Another

7. You Withhold "Uncomfortable" Information

8. You Create Impossible Expectations

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Make These 6 Relationship Moves Now or You'll Regret It in 20 Years

1. Speak Up and Say No

2. Delete Your Dating Apps

3. Schedule Date Nights

4. Sort Out Your Finances Together

5. Share a Hobby

6. Know When It's Over

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5 Easy Things Science Says You Should Do for Your Family

1. Learn to Communicate With Each Other

2. Spend Time Together

3. Get Outdoors

4. Gift More

5. Smile More

10 Relationship Rules You Should Be Breaking

1. Not Going to Bed Angry

2. Thinking That Love Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry

3. Playing Hard to Get

4. Waiting a Set Amount of Time After a Breakup

5. Perpetuating Gender Stereotypes at Home

6. Believing That Fighting Is Healthy

7. Searching for Your Soulmate (When You May Not Have One)

8. Accepting That Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

9. Assuming That Monogamy Is Natural and Optimal