jokes

Only Celebrate A Few Select Birthdays

Paul Michael — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 14:00:02 +0000

What if we suddenly stopped celebrating every single birthday in our lives, and instead concentrated on just the important ones? Would you care? Would you support it? I’ll tell you one thing…we’d all save a bunch of money.

The idea comes from one of my favorite comedians, Patton Oswalt. If you don’t know the name, you’ll certainly know the voice; he played Remy in Ratatouille. He was also Spence Olchrin in The King Of Queens, and he’s an exceptional comedian.

On his CD Werewolves And Lollipops he outlines a plan to stop the celebration of most birthdays, saying that there’s nothing special about most of them. And, he’s right. What’s so special about hitting 36 (my next birthday)? Or 42? Or even 14? They’re not landmark dates in your existence. They’re just another year.

The full list is printed below, and you can also listen to Patton (be warned, Patton uses language that is NSFW).

Birthdays you can and cannot celebrate.

1 thru 9 — YES. You’re a little kid, and kids should get to celebrate birthdays.

10 — YES. You’ve entered the double digits. Something different has happened, you get a birthday.

11-12 — NO. Nothing special about those years.

13 — YES. Now you’re a teenager, and that’s worth celebrating.

14-15 — NO. Again, nothing special here.

16 — YES. The laws have changed. Now you can drive, that’s worth celebrating.

17 — NO. What’s special about being 17? Exactly.

18 — YES. Awesome birthday. You can vote and own a gun. This is all worth celebrating (and if you’re in other countries including England, you can drink alcohol). Now that is worth a party.

19 — YES. It’s your last year as a teenager.

20 — YES. You’ve entered your twenties.

21 — YES. Awesome birthday, you’re as adult as you can get. Hit the bars.

And then…only one birthday every 10 years (30, 40, 50, 60 and so on) until you hit 90. After 90, you get a birthday every year because one law no longer applies to you!

Now, as 90 is a rare age for most of us to reach, I’d say most of us are in for 22-23 birthday celebrations in our lifetime. That’s a lot less than 70-80. And think of all the money that we wouldn’t have to spend. At Hallmark, they’d see their profits go down the toilet, but personally I wouldn’t shed a tear. Charging an average of $5 for a piece of card you read once and throw away is something of an extravagance anyway. And think of all the trees and resources we’d save!

Not only that, but once you reach the adult years, you usually don’t want for that much anyway. As a kid, you have no income. Your birthdays are what you rely on for toys, clothes, games, and candy. But as a 36 year old, I’ll be getting stuff for my birthday that I could afford anyway. I usually have to search my brain for days to come with ideas for people. And they’re the same. My dad’s birthday is in a few weeks. He had no idea what he wanted, so I bought him some DVDs. He’s probably seen them, he may even have them, and who knows if he even wants them.

Now I’m not saying we should treat the day like any other. By all means, go have a few drinks after work or take a trip to the movies. Have a good meal. But do we really need to continue spending all of this money on each other, buying junk we don’t need for people who don’t want anything, just because we’ve reached the grand old age of 27 or 43? Many people in this world would be thankful for a healthy meal and sanitary water every day, and the money we throw at each other on gifts, cards, and endless wrapping could more than pay for that.

This idea may have started as a joke, but I think it’s far from just a bit of comic relief. Think it over.

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This article is from Paul Michael of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

25 tips from the frugally insane.

Paul Michael — Wed, 21 Feb 2007 18:17:08 +0000

You know, saving money is a serious business. Sometimes, too serious. So now and then I like to inject a little fun into the proceedings. Back when I was a little younger, I would ocassionally glance at the magazines my mom would read. They were the usual "mom" magazines, like Good Housekeeping, Bella, that kind of thing. And there was always a spot dedicated to tips sent in from readers. You know the ones — "A little club soda and salt will clean up any stain."

Then I found a magazine called VIZ, a comic for grown-ups. And they did what I can only describe as the funniest parody of frugality I have ever read. As you are all fans of saving a few pennies, I thought I'd share these insane tips with you. Trust me when I say that the only use they serve is to give you an occasional chuckle. Enjoy.

1. Save a Fortune on Laundry Bills

Give your dirty shirts to a local charity shop. They'll wash and iron them and you can buy them back for 50 cents.

2. Create Instant Designer Stubble

Suck on a magnet and dip your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

3. Food on the Move

A hedgehog, trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest, makes an unusual and cheap mobile appetizer dispenser at cocktail parties.

4. Foil Pick-Pockets

Place a freshly toasted Pop-Tart in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

5. Snake-mobile

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal home-made "car" for snakes.

6. Clingy Contacts

Can’t afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of clingwrap and press them into your eyes.

7. The Bucket Trick

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.

8. Close Observations

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

9. Jet Setter

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

10. Smart Siphon

Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your gas whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two plastic buckets.

11. Potato Puzzle

Why pay for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen fries from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.

12. Smell Gas?

Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

13. The Butter Trick

Always keep a stick of butter in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out.

14. Sunless Tan

Exterior wood stain is a cheap, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments.

15. Office Workers

Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making "blinkers" out of two post-it note stickers, one stuck to each temple.

16. Lights Out

Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

17. Fast Wipe

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

18. Personal Address Book

Old telephone directories make ideal, free personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

19. Bye-Bye Bookmark

When reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark.

20. Give It a Push

Save on gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

21. Who Needs Wheels?

Avoid being wheel-clamped by jacking up your car, removing the wheels, and locking them safely in the trunk until you return.

22. Duct Tape Bath

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in duct tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

23. Beware of Bees

Hair gels are expensive. Jelly is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

24. Faux Hangove

Save on alochol by drinking cold tea instead of scotch. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a tablespoon of dish soap and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

25. International Master Criminals

It is possible to make your fortune. Simply tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

This article is from Paul Michael of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread: