pushover

18 Ways Being Too Nice Is Hurting Your Wallet

Carrie Kirby — Tue, 14 Mar 2017 10:00:16 +0000

It's nice to be nice, but sometimes it comes with a price. If you have trouble saying no to everyone, from commission-earning salespeople to bosses to your own family and friends, you're probably overspending and underearning. Here are several ways your niceness is biting you in the wallet.

1. You Can't Turn Down the Upsell

You don't actually want to add the drink and fries, but you hate saying no. Afraid the Girl Scout will think you're stingy when you decline to add one more box to make it an even $20? Practice in front of the mirror: "No, thank you." (See also: 8 Sneaky Ways You're Being Upsold)

2. You Accept Every Project

Are you the person at work who ends up churning out routine tasks while others pitch their promotion-getting projects? Is it truly "niceness" that makes you acquiesce, or fear of stretching yourself? Next time, tell the boss or your client you are too busy, and save your time for work that benefits you more.

3. You Go to Every Party You're Invited To

Sadly, many invitations nowadays are thinly veiled shakedowns. Your ex-husband's third cousin invited you to her baby shower? Your coworker invited you to celebrate her birthday at a pricey cocktail bar and you know she's expecting her friends to pick up the check? It's okay to skip events that aren't dear to your heart, especially if they are outside your budget or clearly designed to take advantage of you.

4. You Pick Up the Check Too Much

My husband, a certified super-nice guy, would pick up the check at every single meal out with friends if I let him. It's okay to say, "Let's split this." It's even okay to gently remind friends that you picked up the check last time.

5. You Don't Insist on Getting Paid Back

If you are someone who hates to remind friends or your grown children that they borrowed money from you, then don't lend to begin with. And if you are susceptible to hard luck stories explaining why debts can't be paid on time, definitely don't a lender be. (See also: The 16 Cardinal Rules of Lending to Friends)

6. You Worry Too Much About Inconveniencing Other People

You didn't point out to the cashier that your coupon didn't scan because you dread making the people behind you wait. You didn't tell the server that she charged you for a drink that never arrived because your dining partners wanted to get going and you didn't want to cause the restaurant staff a hassle.

It's nice to be considerate, but if these little things are piling up, it might be time to remind yourself that everyone has the right to a complete and accurate transaction before ceding their turn in line.

7. You Give to Every Cause That Crosses Your Path

Giving to charity is a wonderful thing. But make sure you give what you can afford, and that the organizations you fund are the ones that truly matter to you. Don't give to organizations you've never heard of simply because you feel bad that the canvasser is out in the cold ringing doorbells. Remember, this is most likely their job, which they're getting paid for.

8. You Can't Say No to Your Kids

This is probably the most financially ruinous problem on this list, because it snowballs as your kids age. The parents who can't buy a present for a friend's birthday without leaving the store with a toy for their own kid, too? Those are the parents who are going to be stuck paying for their college student's spring break trip and their twenty-something's car payment. Say no early and often. It's good for them, and for your wallet.

9. You Give Away Too Much of Your Time for Free

Volunteer work is great for your community and it can be a great experience for you, as well. It can also be a bottomless pit. If you find yourself cutting back work hours or shelving business ideas because your kids' school or the local animal shelter depends on you so heavily, ask yourself if this is really worth your limited free time.

10. You Don't Confront Companies That Owe You

It might feel unpleasant to call your credit card to complain that a local business double-charged you, but it's a necessary part of being an adult. Let too many little things slide, and you may end up with big financial problems.

I once had an airline fail to book my family's flights, forcing us to rent a vehicle and drive to our destination at the last minute. After the trip, I sent a polite but firm complaint email to the airline, cc'ing the top customer service executive. Friends were amazed when the airline agreed to reimburse me for the road trip expenses in addition to refunding our tickets. I was pleased, but not surprised, because if you are persistent and refuse to let important things go, you should eventually get a fair resolution. (See also: 9 Times You Should Demand a Refund)

11. You Say Yes to Every Potential House Guest

I love having guests, but if they are to eat meals with my family, and expect me to show them around town, including dining out with them, it is inevitable that the visit will cost me money. If a guest is a total mooch on their first visit, they're not getting invited back.

12. You Always Agree to Be a Bridesmaid

Of all the friend invitations, this is probably the costliest. You'll have to buy a dress, possibly travel to the wedding, and host or share the cost of the shower and bachelorette party. Group professional makeup and hair appointments are increasingly the norm as well.

This doesn't mean that money should be the only factor when you decide whether to accept a bridesmaid query. The main factor should be, are you really close friends? Is this invite heartfelt, or were you just asked to even up the number of men and women in the wedding party?

13. Your Arms Are Always Open to Another Pet

One dog is wonderful. Two can be fun. But if you can't go to the shelter without coming home with another pooch, and feeding your menagerie is getting expensive, I have a tip for you: Don't go to the shelter. If you make yourself go broke by taking in too many, all of you will suffer.

14. You Let Yourself Get Overcharged

You hate negotiating with tradespeople and car sales floor staff? Guess what? So does everyone. But in certain transactions, if you don't negotiate, you may get stiffed. You can minimize price gouging and confrontation if you research well in advance, get multiple quotes, and if needed, conduct negotiations by email or phone.

15. You Stay Loyal Even When You Can't Afford Your Service Provider

So the same person has been cutting your hair for 15 years, but now she has a chair in a famous salon and has tripled her price? It's okay to ask for a loyalty discount, even if you feel like old friends. And if she declines and you have to find a new hairdresser, remember that her decision led to the change as much as yours did. It was a business relationship all along, remember, not a friendship.

16. You Buy Stuff You Never Wanted to Help Friends With Businesses

You go to every nail wrap, makeup, and tote bag party your entrepreneurial friend throws, and buy merchandise that ends up piled in your basement. Well, there are more effective ways to help out a struggling friend.

17. You're a Pushover With Employees or Tenants

When my husband and I rented out our home, our first tenants asked us to repair an ancient fan system, even though we had a brand-new central air system. We said yes without hesitating, wanting to be nice landlords, but the repair put us into the red for many months. As we became more experienced landlords, we learned to distinguish between urgent repair calls (broken refrigerator) and "nice to have" requests that we could decline.

With employees, whether it's a cleaning person or middle manager at your business, if you say yes to every request for extra time off or raises, or turn a blind eye to boxes of office supplies disappearing every day, you're going to be in over your head before you know it.

18. You Always Go Along With Friends' Plans Even If it Means Wasting Money

I have lots of friends who are not nearly as frugal as I am. If they are making the plans, we'll be parking our cars in the expensive garage, buying the brand of vodka that's not on sale, and basically spending twice as much for everything than I would have spent on my own. (See also: How to Keep Peer Pressure From Destroying Your Finances)

The nice me wants to stay quiet and just let it be. But the frugal me is not afraid to push that namby pamby wimp aside and say, "Hey. May I suggest parking on the street two blocks away instead of in that garage?" My friends will tell you that I'm a pain about stuff like this, but they still hang out with me, so I must be just nice enough. Or maybe they like how much money I save them.

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This article is from Carrie Kirby of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread:

Are You a Doormat? 17 Things Assertive People Never Say

Sarah Winfrey — Fri, 15 Aug 2014 11:00:03 +0000

I was born a lot of things, but assertive was not one of them.

For years, I would find myself in situations where I had a vague feeling that all was not well, but by the time I figured out that I wanted or needed to stand up for myself (or someone else), the conversation had moved on. Then, I'd replay the conversations in my head whenever I felt discouraged, which only added to my frustration.

I finally learned how to assert myself through a process of acknowledging my frustration with the whole situation, planning ahead what I might say or do in certain situations, and being willing to go back to someone and say that I needed to revisit a previous conversation because I wasn't satisfied with the outcome. (See also: 5 Habits You Must Break to Become More Self-Confident)

Over time, I overcame my fear of being assertive and stopped clamming up in the moment. Along the way, I learned to never, ever say these things (at least not in the contexts discussed below).

1. "You Hurt Me"

While this may be true, the person on the receiving end of a statement like this will often feel accused of something, and will therefore respond defensively. Instead, use "I" statements, like "I feel sad because the tone behind your words seemed angry."

2. "Yes, of Course I'll Do That (Even Though I Don't Want To)"

Agreeing to do something that you don't want to do, or that you don't know if you want to do, is one of the key characteristics of a doormat. Saying "No" or "Let me think about it" is hard, but you will feel better about yourself in the long run.

3. "I Don't Know If That's OK With Me"

Letting people know that you don't know what to think gives them tacit permission to decide for both of you. Instead, ask for some time to think and come up with a policy statement, so that you can not only handle the current situation but any similar ones that come along, too.

4. (Nothing)

Even if you aren't sure what to say, if you're uncomfortable with a situation or not sure what to think, say something. Try, "I don't like that, and I want to tell you why, but I'm trying to think of the way to say it that makes the most sense." This tells them that you have a dissenting opinion and makes room for you to bring it up again later.

5. "What I Want Isn't Important"

No matter what is going on, you have a right to ask for what you want. The person you're talking to can still disagree, as is their right. Even if it causes a bigger disagreement, though, it's worthwhile to voice your desires, because you will feel better about yourself and you open the door for a win-win situation, rather than just the one where you lose.

6. "It's My Way or the Highway"

Sometimes, when people are trying to move from being a doormat to being assertive, they feel like they have to hold aggressive positions instead. This method isn't any better, though. Instead, think of yourself as being on a team with the people involved in your situation. You could even say, "Can we pool our resources to solve this problem?"

7. "Do Whatever You Want (To/With/Around Me)"

It can be hard to bring up your boundaries when you're afraid it will cause more conflict or even sever a relationship. However, without boundaries, you are a pushover. Even if you have them, if you don't bring them up, no one will know, and they won't have the opportunity to respect you for stating them.

8. "I Don't Need Any Help"

It may seem counterintuitive, but asking for help when you need it is actually a way of being assertive. It lets people know that you are not okay with things the way they are and that you know what you need. It also invites them to see your needs, attend to them, and maybe get to know you a little better.

9. "I Don't Care About You"

Another move that people tend to make when they feel like a doormat and want to be more assertive is to feel like they have to stop caring about others. They fear that this caring will get in the way of standing up for themselves. However, it's more-than-possible to be assertive and caring. For instance, you can be engaging and happy even as you are stating your needs or asking for help.

10. "I Don't Know What Is Going On Here"

Okay, so realistically, we all get into situations that we don't understand. But, as much as possible, prepare for situations where you will need to be assertive. If you often get run over in work meetings, do your research and write out the bullet points of your argument so everyone can see them while you speak.

11. "Sure, We Can Do That Again (Even Though I Hate It)"

When you're in a relationship pattern that you don't like, it can be hard to figure out what you want and voice it. Try to start with something positive, then add an "I" statement, like, "I love that you know your granddaughter so well. I'd like it if you didn't talk to my daughter about her weight, though."

12. "We Can't Fix This"

Whether the problem is relational, situational, logical, or otherwise, giving up will undermine your assertiveness. Assertive people see themselves as important parts of the groups they're in, and they have faith in the problem-solving abilities of those groups. Instead, say, "This is hard, so let's take a break and come back when we're refreshed."

13. "I Don't Really Need a Raise"

If you're thinking seriously about a raise, it's probably because you don't feel like you're earning what you're worth, and you will feel bad about yourself if you don't at least ask for more money. Plan ahead, so that you have examples of ways you've added value to your company. And if you get shot down, make sure to ask if you can revisit the topic of your performance in six months or a year. (See also: Create Your Own Raise)

14. "Come On, Guys… Please?"

If people aren't following you, then you aren't leading them assertively. Instead of begging them, take a look at yourself. Much of assertiveness has to do with your body language, so make sure you are looking people in the eye and standing up straight when you're giving instructions.

15. "I Guess I Need to Do This All Myself"

Being able to delegate is a sign of being assertive. Unless all of the tasks on your plate are truly yours (in which case, you probably need to ask for help anyway), there are usually people who can help you, or whose job it is to help you. If you're concerned that they are overwhelmed, ask them, and then figure out a way to solve the problem together.

16. "Please Don't Be Mad at Me"

Sometimes, being assertive will mean that others end up upset. This is their right and their problem. They are free to tell you what they need, as well, and work with you toward a solution that will work for everyone. You are not responsible for the ways that they feel in response to you being assertive, as long as you are kind with your requests.

17. "You Insulted Me"

When I feel insulted, I always take a step back to determine whether the person was actually insulting me, or whether they were offering constructive criticism. When you're a doormat, it's easy to be insulted and overcome by criticism that was meant to help you grow. If you're not clear, you can always ask the other person to be more specific or ask them why they made the comment.

Have you worked to become assertive? What would you never, ever say?

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This article is from Sarah Winfrey of Wise Bread, an award-winning personal finance and credit card comparison website. Read more great articles from Wise Bread: