Would imminent diarrhea beat a speeding ticket? Deadline extended.


I thought of that one about three hours after I got my speeding ticket. Clever huh?

"What if", I thought "I'd told the police officer that I had a seriously bad case of stomach flu and I needed to get to a bathroom quickly before I ruined the fabric permanently on my new Civic?" Would that work? Could you do better? How about you send in your ideas and I'll give the best one a little prize.

I was actually going to write a very long, serious article about beating a speeding ticket, but I thought better of it. After all, I was speeding. Not by much, and in a speed trap to be honest, but I'm a grown man who can read signs. And 99% of the time, we're at fault anyway. I suspect most of us would fail our test if we had to take it again today.

But I thought it would be a fun idea to see what wonderful, crazy, absurd ideas the good Wisebread readers have thought about to get out of a speeding ticket. Of course, being female helps. I'm sorry if that sounds sexist but I did a straw poll at work. Of all the folks who had been caught speeding, the ladies have been given a warning far more times than the guys. In fact, only 1 guy in the whole department of 78 people had been let off. Compare that to EVERY woman who had been let off at least once in her life. Why? Maybe a cop can write in and answer that one.

Just leave your whacky idea as a comment in this blog post, and use your real email address (which will not be displayed publicly, no worries). They can be as off-the-wall nuts as you like (but keep it clean folks). I'll get together with the WB head-honchos and we'll decide who gets the rather fabulous prize of a Mini RC car. Hey ok, so it's not all that fab. But it will get you into less trouble than a real car. You've all got until April 13th at 11.59pm to get your answers in. Have fun with it, and I look forward to seeing the results. I already gave you the diarrhea idea, but here are a few more I thought may work...

  1. I'm sorry officer, I have a split personality and my alter-ego Jock was speeding.
  2. I wasn't speeding. The rotation of the Earth momentarily accelerated.
  3. You know, I gave $20 to the police officers fund this year. Wink.
  4. Speeding? There's no way I could be speeding, I'm way too high to do that.
  5. Is that a speed gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me? (oh, it's a speed gun)

And remember, if you're serious about winning the little car, make sure you use a real email address so we can inform you that you've won and you're very smart and very clever and could indeed sell ice to Eskimos.

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Will Chen's picture

Someone I knew did this a couple of times and it actually worked for him once.

When he gets stopped, he'll start rubbing his eyes so it looks all red.  Then he would tell the officer that he just found out his wife was cheating on him, and that he is GLAD the officer stopped him because he was in no condition to drive.

The officer will generally start trying to comfort my friend.  My friend will then take out a picture of his kids and say stuff like "15 years, 15 years how could she throw that away... what am I going to tell the kids?"

In the end, my friend wraps it up with "you probably saved my life officer.  Thanks for stopping me."

There is a small chance that the officer will be so distracted by this point that he might forget to give you that ticket! 

Guest's picture

I don't have one but I just wanted to say that is a great one Will! I'll have to remember that!

Guest's picture

Think I'll try this one next time. When the friendly officer asks me why I was speeding, I'll say..."Sorry officer. My ex-wife is a cop, and when I saw the car I thought she was coming back to reconcile. So I floored it."

Guest's picture
Alex Malex

One day a guy was driving down a road around 90mph when a cop pulled him over after a bridge.

Cop: "why were you driving so fast?
Guy: "I have to get to my job
Cop: "what do you do?
Guy" I'm a rectum stretcher"
Cop: "what the hell is that???
Guy: "well first i work in a finger, then two, then my hand, and pretty soon i've created a 6ft asshole
Cop: what the hell do you do with a 6ft asshole??
Guy: I put him in a uniform and give him a radar gun!

Doubt that would get you off a ticket though!

Fitch Hurst's picture

Just last night on Letterman, Adam Sandler hosted and said the exact same thing: claim Diarrhea.

I've got a buddy who's gotten out of two tickets. Once, he got the officer to agree that it was such a "nice road" that he was very suprised he was speeding. Since the road used to be cratered and bumpy, he just marveled at the new paving job and that it didn't seem like it should be a 25 mph road since it was so nice, and black, with double lines. Finally, while the cop was marveling at the road work, my friend said, "welp!" as if to say "this conversation is over" and the cop just told him to have a good day! Hilarious.

The other time was that he got pulled over for a burnt out tail light. He played the "I'm so glad you stopped me" angle, and asked the cop for help figuring out how he'd get the light replaced. Even asked if he could look at it with him. This was one of those po-dunk towns who's source of income was traffic tickets, so that's why it was so important to stroke the cop's ego by making him a "protect and serve" cop instead of a traffic cop.

Paul Michael's picture

For stealing my material? Probably not. He be very rich and funny. 

Guest's picture

I had a gastric test one day, and was headed back home which was in the next county when "it" hit me. I had hit that area of the highway where to exits are 10 miles apart and the service stations are another mile after you exit. I floored it, the cop caught me. I was honest about the situation and said "if you want to give me a ticket, can you do it at the nest bathroom?" He said "sure" and followed me there. He wrote out the ticket while I was in the bathroom. Sigh.

Paul Michael's picture

If there is such a thing as Karma, I hope it bites him in the butt.

Guest's picture

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Why yes [pause] These are bugle boy jeans I'm wearing.

Kinda dated I know.

Andrea Karim's picture

Whenever I get pulled over, which is rare, I immediately have an asthma attack. The anxiety triggers is before the adrenaline has a chance to stop it. So I explain that I really need to get back home to get my inhaler, and that I'll be fine. No, no, I don't need an escort but thanks (whhheeeze) for being so thoughtful.

That's not off-the-wall, though. It's honest.

I think that Will is going to win.

Will Chen's picture
Will Chen

I don't think fellow writers and editors are allowed to enter the contest.  What do you think, these cars don't grow on trees you know!

Andrea Karim's picture

You'd have to give it to the friend who came up with the diea.

But yeah, you're right. We don't count. Like McDonald's employees winning those peel-off-the-little-sticker contests.

Andrea Karim's picture

But then Consumerist beat me to it. I was going to call it "McStupid".

Paul Michael's picture

...that as Will, Greg and my good self are the judges, Will is out of the running. Very sorry. But someone as smart as Will could easily conjure up a fake name and email and produce a splendid answer. If he really wants the car that bad!

Guest's picture
Uncle fester

the most effective i have ever heard actually annoys me a bit. if you have a relative (in-law, whatever) employed in law enforcement, carry a picture in your wallet. Make sure the officer sees the photo; even make it a point to show how proud you are. Believe it or not, this bribe works. I personally find it offensive, and if you get burnt for it - you deserve it! ... I personally loath those "don't you know who I am?" types (or perhaps secretly envy them and am in denial)

Guest's picture

Whenever a male cop pulls me over, I tell him I just got my period and start gushing gory details. They usually let me off just to get me to shut up.

Guest's picture

I know the contest is over, but I just remembered this and laughed... I had a friend who got out of a ticket once. It wasn't a speeding ticket; she had made a u-turn in a "No U-turn" intersection. When the cop called her on it, she said, "But officer, I thought it said, 'No, YOU turn!' and so I turned!" He laughed and said he'd let her off because he'd never heard that one before.

Guest's picture

Haha, I got a good TRUE one, even though its way past the date.

i pulled into a parking lot at 85 MPH in a 25, and ran a stop sign, I did a very fast 180 in the parking lot, I pulled out of the parking lot at 70 MPH and ran a stop sign. I ran a red light, and took at right turn at a no turn red light. They finally pulled me over, turns out the corner of the parking lot I came into the cheif of police was sittin there.

My excuse was simply "He may not have saw me stop at those stop signs, and there was no one visible at the 2 red lights so I dont see how you could say that. The 180 in the parking lot was me being careless, I hit some ice while backing up a lil too fast. (It hadnt rained for days)And as for the speeding, I admit I was, but Im in a hurry I have to get home before my girl kills me!"

All in all it took that officer 4 trips between my car and the chief of police's car to finish that convo, 40 minutes, 3 squad cars, 2 unmarked cars, and the chief himself. Not even a warning ticket.

Oh yeh, fake tears too, throw in a "oh sh** Im late, I was supposed to be home an hour ago" and some details to a situation (like the possibility of them not seeing me run those lights and signs) and your good to go

Guest's picture

Not in the running for the comp, but I just have to share this one.......

A mature (!) aged lady gets pulled over for speeding.

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.