I think that one of the biggest obstacles that I have seen with couples around me is that they don't fight fair. I have even heard some stories that resulted in physical situations. It is a difficult part of any relationship, but fighting is necessary and can lead to changes for the better.
Before I was married, I was given a refrigerator copy of rules for disagreements. It included things like don't call each other names, don't bring up previous arguments and to use "I" statements, not "you" statements. While my husband and I do not argue much, when we do disagree we can find resolutions without hurt feelings and hurtful words that cannot be taken back.
I have a rule with my husband. If I'm mad, I tell him. I tell him that I need some time to think things through, then I'd like to talk to him about it. If he's mad, I ask him to think about it and then negotiate a time that we can talk. And then--and this is important--I tell him that I love him.
I used to try to sit on the subject til I wasn't mad anymore, but I found that I could not hide the fact that I was mad, which made him worried, defensive, angry, and ultimately escalated the situation.
This is a great list. I've only been married 4 years, but I've been with my husband for half of my life. Many of these tips are things we find important--particularly learning to like the extended family.
Andrea, Germany and Japan are not technically allowed to maintain a large standing army of their own after WWII because as we know, they were the invaders. That's why they spent all their time developing cool technological gadgets, which has been good for the world I think. As a result, the US has a much larger military presence all over the world because it committed to defend the "demilitarized" states.
Yes, the biggest economy doesn't mean that the people are the happiest or healthiest, but for a country that contains only 5% of the world's population it is a pretty amazing accomplishment. Perhaps it says that Americans are just too productive.
Thank you thank you thank you for the advice- it's in line with everything I've been reading and praying about in my marriage preparation. Good to know it works! :)
One thing I've come across that I have really taken to heart and already put into practice is that I need to always respect him (even when he doesn't deserve it). It sorta flows with a lot of the advice here, I never realized how much respect means to men before this whole journey into marriage thing.
I think also we both agree that we shouldn't let the sun set on our anger, going to bed mad (even now before we're married and not living together or sharing a bed) only creates bitterness. It tores us apart before and took a long time to get our hearts straight afterwards...fortunately it made us realize that we didn't want to be apart and now we'll start our happily ever after (with some not so happily parts in there, because I know it won't all be sunshine and roses) :P
Thanks again for writing this- and congrats on 24 years.
I'm really happy for the citizens of Germany. Half of the reason that Germany doesn't have to spend so much on their military is because the US military pretty much takes care of their defense for them. Sure, it benefits us to have bases in Western Europe, but if we left, I imagine Germany might have to shell out a bit more of their own money on defense.
I'm not saying that I don't envy the German model, but it's only fair to point out that Germany (and Canada, for that matter) benefit a great deal from the presence of the US military. Most of Western Europe can rest assured that no one will be able to invade their borders because they have the US military ready to defend them (not so much for former Caucus states, like Georgia, obviously, but that's central/eastern Europe).
It is important, I think, Xin, to recognize that having the best and biggest economy in the world doesn't ALWAYS translate into being the happiest or the healthiest. I wonder what good it does to be the biggest economy when citizens can literally lose everything after a stay in the hospital for a stroke or heart attack.
Goodwill is wonderful about accepting donations. Also if your community has 4-H they will sometimes accept clothing for the sewing club to use for fabric.
When I read on a frugal blog : "before having a baby, be sure to have enough in the bank to cover the delivery and beware! you may need a loan to pay for a C-section " I am shocked and just thank God I am living in France. We love bashing our system, sometimes with good reason, but I must say this : when I had my baby, I did not pay a cent to the hospital and if I had a C-section or neonatal care etc... it would have been the same for less than 600 euros a year!
And I am happy to pay the taxes I pay (18% for 25000 euros ayear) to be sure my poor elderly neighbour can receive all the medicines necessary, my colleagues who raises alone three children on 1000 euros a month can hope to pay for university.... Nothing is perfect of course there are abuses of the system, some people are not receiving what they should...
But, very selfishly, I feel I can't be happy if my parents and my baby can receive the care and the minimal comfort they need if my neighbour's are too poor to hope the same so I am happy and proud to pay my taxes!
My Life Hacks sundown rule -- thanks for everyone's comments on going to bed angry and otherwise. I didn't think that would provoke much response but wondered about the compromise one (my contrarian view) as I often hear compromise is the key to a good relationship. The mention of giving advice, Peter, is a great one -- I hear that being quick to solve problems rather than just listen to venting is a huge problem, so glad to hear of a way to deal with that.
I will be married 26 years on May 13th! We love each other even more than the day we got married! Now that said, Pete is right there are times an issue cannot be resolved before bedtime, and I have found yes, I don't sleep as well, but usually what was monumental the day before is not so huge the next day.
I also agree with not dumping the probs of the day on each other immediately walking in the house from work. It is hard to be hit with everything before you have even recovered from a stressful day at work. At least let them get their coat off first!
Laugh, laugh and laugh more. So many situations when you step back and look at afterwards were so petty they are laughable. After 26 years of marriage, and together for 28 years we still make each other laugh everyday. His family did not have a lot of humor in them, mine on the other hand you never knew what my mom would do for fun. He loosened up so much once he got around my family and realized humor and laughter is an important part of a marriage and family life!
We have had an awesome, wild ride for all of these years, and I cannot imagine how they could get any better, but they do!!
I would use "Avoid going to bed mad whenever possible" rather than "Never go to bed mad" because there will be times you will end up going to bed mad and you may need that distance or time to get your own feeling under control, but most of the time you need to talk it out and it's better you get past the issue before going to bed.
Some advice I found useful in our marriage included my wife not data dumping on me the minute I came home from work with all the things we "had" to do that night, that weekend, for dinner, for the kids, for the inlaws, etc.. It was like turning a corner and getting pelted with a twenty minute barrage of snowballs. Instead we talk about things later at dinner or after I've been home a bit (of course there are times when you have to do things immediately, but those should be the exception, not the rule).
Additionally, I finally learned the difference between her wanting me to give actual advice versus her method of venting. Now I know that when she complains about someone or something, and I recommend a course of action, and she doesn't even try to take it, that she's just venting. This way I'm not getting upset because she's blowing off my advice as worthless, rather I can just listen as she vents some more and provide responses in that vein, rather than trying to help her solve what I perceived as a problem she was bringing me.
How is this relevant at all to the subject of this blog?
Does no one think of the singles? It is much more expensive to be single [and living alone], yet all the personal finance blogs are heavily skewed towards married couples.
I'd be much more interested to hear how I can be happy and single, because I really hate coming home to an empty house and having to do all the chores and pay for everything myself. It seems to me that it'd be far easier to be happy with a companion.
There are so many great tips listed already I dont think I can come up with a new one!
What we are planning is to install raised planter boxes filled with vegetables, not only will it be healthier for my family but help out with our budget. And one of the boxes we will have flowers and plant that are native to central calif and drought resistant, so we can save on precious water. My husband also wants to install a drip irrigation system so we can stop over watering before it starts.
And of course we will have a compost box set up too! Im looking forward to our new yard!
It always helps me to remember that my husband is a totally separate person from me--different thoughts, feelings, past experiences, etc. I can fight him on some of the these differences that I don't understand, or I can just let him be himself and not have to understand every time.
I sort of agree with you. To an extent. Saying things in anger doesn't help, but staying mad doesn't help either.
My biggest advice: communicate, communicate, communicate.
My second piece of advice: make sure you each take time for yourself. If it's reading a book, or pursuing a hobby, keep yourself interesting to your spouse, by enjoying something you love.
i can't disagree more. i've only ever gone to bed mad once, and i slept horribly/couldn't concentrate the next day. it really doesn't do anyone any good to go to bed mad.
this is my mere observations of my parents' marriage, which is approaching 40 years.
hold hands. listen. don't lay blame - just talk things out. talk about your day with your spouse. make time for each other every day. kiss each other goodnight, good bye (before leaving the house), hello, etc. tell your spouse you love them. SHOW them you love them. leave notes in lunches/briefcases/wallets/purses.
most importantly, respect your partner.
there are plenty of others, but these few tips have been helpful in my own relationship.
I've always thought "don't go to bed mad" is some of the worst advice. It's much better to go to bed mad, if necessary, so that you can cool off, understand your own emotions, organize your thoughts, and talk things through later in a way that you won't regret.
I think that a lot of people still assume that once they get married everything will be perfect forever, and when they hit the first, or third or eighth or fiftieth bump in the road they take it as a sign that they were not meant to be together afterall and call it quits. There have been times that my husband and I went to bed angry.....heck there was once a solid week that we didn't talk to each other (I remember the week, but I have no clue what the fight was even about anymore) but we finally sat down and talked things out, and our relationship was all the more stranger for it. In 2 weeks we will have our eleventh anniversary. Out of our group of (similarly aged) friends we are considered the freaks because no one else has made it to anniversary #5. Obviously if there is abuse (as in the case of one of our friends) you should get the heck out of there and never look back, but other than that being committed to calming down and talking things out will get you through just about anything (in my opinion).
I don't! I have lived in socialist countries in South America and I think it takes all the motivation out of a society. If we all get an equal share no matter how hard we work, why should I work harder than my neighbor? If my neighbor is a sloth, do I become one too?
After reading your smart alec comment I felt the need to reply. I tried to breastfeed my son for three months. I had my heart set on it however my body did not allow it. I produced enough milk all day for just one feeding. Contrary to your popular belief not everyone is as lucky as you. You should spend your time being grateful for your ability and not chastizing others for their ways of doing things. What goes around comes around my dear!
Don't forget to photo document donations or at least make a list of what you donate. If you itemize your tax deductions you'll be surprised how much you can deduct for charitable contributions.
I'm not an old retired man (or woman), I golf or hit the driving range occasionally, but I can take my golf cart to grocery, Starbucks, Walmart, Target, Home Depot, Coldwater Creek, Longhorn, etc. every major convenience of city. Teens choose to take the golf carts in lieu of parents cars most of the time. You can get everywhere here via GC, over 100 miles of paved paths through the beautiful, natural (ie, trees, etc) green space (30%). Hundreds of carts park at the high school. We have many other amenities in the community, by the way there are only 3 golf courses, but 2 lakes, numerous small ponds, 50+ athletic fields, tennis center/courts, aquatics center, multiple city pools, ampitheatre, BMX track, skateboard park, nature preserves (+580 acres), and small airfield, etc. It is perfect for families, in top 10 places to live in U.S. (CNN/Money Magazine), homes from low $100's to $2+ million, schools are nationally ranked Schools of Excellence, with SAT scores averaging higher than the national average, quality health care, and crime is very, very low. Many major international businesses call PTC home, Panasonic, NCR, etc. I think it is a great place to raise a family. Along the paths, you find, walkers & joggers, stroller pushers, bicyclists, everyone smiles and waves. The teens are even well behaved, they know they will probably see someone they know (parents know). I love living in Peachtree City, GA. We have been here 1 year and our 15 year old daughter loves it, she would not consider moving, (well, maybe to the beach!). Check it out [URL="http://www.peachtree-city.org"]www.peachtree-city.org[/URL].
I think that one of the biggest obstacles that I have seen with couples around me is that they don't fight fair. I have even heard some stories that resulted in physical situations. It is a difficult part of any relationship, but fighting is necessary and can lead to changes for the better.
Before I was married, I was given a refrigerator copy of rules for disagreements. It included things like don't call each other names, don't bring up previous arguments and to use "I" statements, not "you" statements. While my husband and I do not argue much, when we do disagree we can find resolutions without hurt feelings and hurtful words that cannot be taken back.
I have a rule with my husband. If I'm mad, I tell him. I tell him that I need some time to think things through, then I'd like to talk to him about it. If he's mad, I ask him to think about it and then negotiate a time that we can talk. And then--and this is important--I tell him that I love him.
I used to try to sit on the subject til I wasn't mad anymore, but I found that I could not hide the fact that I was mad, which made him worried, defensive, angry, and ultimately escalated the situation.
This is a great list. I've only been married 4 years, but I've been with my husband for half of my life. Many of these tips are things we find important--particularly learning to like the extended family.
Andrea, Germany and Japan are not technically allowed to maintain a large standing army of their own after WWII because as we know, they were the invaders. That's why they spent all their time developing cool technological gadgets, which has been good for the world I think. As a result, the US has a much larger military presence all over the world because it committed to defend the "demilitarized" states.
Yes, the biggest economy doesn't mean that the people are the happiest or healthiest, but for a country that contains only 5% of the world's population it is a pretty amazing accomplishment. Perhaps it says that Americans are just too productive.
Thank you thank you thank you for the advice- it's in line with everything I've been reading and praying about in my marriage preparation. Good to know it works! :)
One thing I've come across that I have really taken to heart and already put into practice is that I need to always respect him (even when he doesn't deserve it). It sorta flows with a lot of the advice here, I never realized how much respect means to men before this whole journey into marriage thing.
I think also we both agree that we shouldn't let the sun set on our anger, going to bed mad (even now before we're married and not living together or sharing a bed) only creates bitterness. It tores us apart before and took a long time to get our hearts straight afterwards...fortunately it made us realize that we didn't want to be apart and now we'll start our happily ever after (with some not so happily parts in there, because I know it won't all be sunshine and roses) :P
Thanks again for writing this- and congrats on 24 years.
I'm really happy for the citizens of Germany. Half of the reason that Germany doesn't have to spend so much on their military is because the US military pretty much takes care of their defense for them. Sure, it benefits us to have bases in Western Europe, but if we left, I imagine Germany might have to shell out a bit more of their own money on defense.
I'm not saying that I don't envy the German model, but it's only fair to point out that Germany (and Canada, for that matter) benefit a great deal from the presence of the US military. Most of Western Europe can rest assured that no one will be able to invade their borders because they have the US military ready to defend them (not so much for former Caucus states, like Georgia, obviously, but that's central/eastern Europe).
It is important, I think, Xin, to recognize that having the best and biggest economy in the world doesn't ALWAYS translate into being the happiest or the healthiest. I wonder what good it does to be the biggest economy when citizens can literally lose everything after a stay in the hospital for a stroke or heart attack.
Congrats, Julie. I'm not sure how you can be married for 24 years when you look like you're (barely) 35, but whatever. :)
Goodwill is wonderful about accepting donations. Also if your community has 4-H they will sometimes accept clothing for the sewing club to use for fabric.
When I read on a frugal blog : "before having a baby, be sure to have enough in the bank to cover the delivery and beware! you may need a loan to pay for a C-section " I am shocked and just thank God I am living in France. We love bashing our system, sometimes with good reason, but I must say this : when I had my baby, I did not pay a cent to the hospital and if I had a C-section or neonatal care etc... it would have been the same for less than 600 euros a year!
And I am happy to pay the taxes I pay (18% for 25000 euros ayear) to be sure my poor elderly neighbour can receive all the medicines necessary, my colleagues who raises alone three children on 1000 euros a month can hope to pay for university.... Nothing is perfect of course there are abuses of the system, some people are not receiving what they should...
But, very selfishly, I feel I can't be happy if my parents and my baby can receive the care and the minimal comfort they need if my neighbour's are too poor to hope the same so I am happy and proud to pay my taxes!
My Life Hacks sundown rule -- thanks for everyone's comments on going to bed angry and otherwise. I didn't think that would provoke much response but wondered about the compromise one (my contrarian view) as I often hear compromise is the key to a good relationship. The mention of giving advice, Peter, is a great one -- I hear that being quick to solve problems rather than just listen to venting is a huge problem, so glad to hear of a way to deal with that.
I will be married 26 years on May 13th! We love each other even more than the day we got married! Now that said, Pete is right there are times an issue cannot be resolved before bedtime, and I have found yes, I don't sleep as well, but usually what was monumental the day before is not so huge the next day.
I also agree with not dumping the probs of the day on each other immediately walking in the house from work. It is hard to be hit with everything before you have even recovered from a stressful day at work. At least let them get their coat off first!
Laugh, laugh and laugh more. So many situations when you step back and look at afterwards were so petty they are laughable. After 26 years of marriage, and together for 28 years we still make each other laugh everyday. His family did not have a lot of humor in them, mine on the other hand you never knew what my mom would do for fun. He loosened up so much once he got around my family and realized humor and laughter is an important part of a marriage and family life!
We have had an awesome, wild ride for all of these years, and I cannot imagine how they could get any better, but they do!!
I would use "Avoid going to bed mad whenever possible" rather than "Never go to bed mad" because there will be times you will end up going to bed mad and you may need that distance or time to get your own feeling under control, but most of the time you need to talk it out and it's better you get past the issue before going to bed.
Some advice I found useful in our marriage included my wife not data dumping on me the minute I came home from work with all the things we "had" to do that night, that weekend, for dinner, for the kids, for the inlaws, etc.. It was like turning a corner and getting pelted with a twenty minute barrage of snowballs. Instead we talk about things later at dinner or after I've been home a bit (of course there are times when you have to do things immediately, but those should be the exception, not the rule).
Additionally, I finally learned the difference between her wanting me to give actual advice versus her method of venting. Now I know that when she complains about someone or something, and I recommend a course of action, and she doesn't even try to take it, that she's just venting. This way I'm not getting upset because she's blowing off my advice as worthless, rather I can just listen as she vents some more and provide responses in that vein, rather than trying to help her solve what I perceived as a problem she was bringing me.
How is this relevant at all to the subject of this blog?
Does no one think of the singles? It is much more expensive to be single [and living alone], yet all the personal finance blogs are heavily skewed towards married couples.
I'd be much more interested to hear how I can be happy and single, because I really hate coming home to an empty house and having to do all the chores and pay for everything myself. It seems to me that it'd be far easier to be happy with a companion.
..I agree and will celebrate our tenth anniversary this year. A sense of humour is important in our marriage.
If my wife didn't laugh, she'd surely cry...:)
There are so many great tips listed already I dont think I can come up with a new one!
What we are planning is to install raised planter boxes filled with vegetables, not only will it be healthier for my family but help out with our budget. And one of the boxes we will have flowers and plant that are native to central calif and drought resistant, so we can save on precious water. My husband also wants to install a drip irrigation system so we can stop over watering before it starts.
And of course we will have a compost box set up too! Im looking forward to our new yard!
It always helps me to remember that my husband is a totally separate person from me--different thoughts, feelings, past experiences, etc. I can fight him on some of the these differences that I don't understand, or I can just let him be himself and not have to understand every time.
I sort of agree with you. To an extent. Saying things in anger doesn't help, but staying mad doesn't help either.
My biggest advice: communicate, communicate, communicate.
My second piece of advice: make sure you each take time for yourself. If it's reading a book, or pursuing a hobby, keep yourself interesting to your spouse, by enjoying something you love.
Hugs,
Melinda
i can't disagree more. i've only ever gone to bed mad once, and i slept horribly/couldn't concentrate the next day. it really doesn't do anyone any good to go to bed mad.
this is my mere observations of my parents' marriage, which is approaching 40 years.
hold hands. listen. don't lay blame - just talk things out. talk about your day with your spouse. make time for each other every day. kiss each other goodnight, good bye (before leaving the house), hello, etc. tell your spouse you love them. SHOW them you love them. leave notes in lunches/briefcases/wallets/purses.
most importantly, respect your partner.
there are plenty of others, but these few tips have been helpful in my own relationship.
I've always thought "don't go to bed mad" is some of the worst advice. It's much better to go to bed mad, if necessary, so that you can cool off, understand your own emotions, organize your thoughts, and talk things through later in a way that you won't regret.
Good one, Julie. And what a great title, too. You must have spent some serious time on this one.
I think that a lot of people still assume that once they get married everything will be perfect forever, and when they hit the first, or third or eighth or fiftieth bump in the road they take it as a sign that they were not meant to be together afterall and call it quits. There have been times that my husband and I went to bed angry.....heck there was once a solid week that we didn't talk to each other (I remember the week, but I have no clue what the fight was even about anymore) but we finally sat down and talked things out, and our relationship was all the more stranger for it. In 2 weeks we will have our eleventh anniversary. Out of our group of (similarly aged) friends we are considered the freaks because no one else has made it to anniversary #5. Obviously if there is abuse (as in the case of one of our friends) you should get the heck out of there and never look back, but other than that being committed to calming down and talking things out will get you through just about anything (in my opinion).
I don't! I have lived in socialist countries in South America and I think it takes all the motivation out of a society. If we all get an equal share no matter how hard we work, why should I work harder than my neighbor? If my neighbor is a sloth, do I become one too?
BTW, I love your articles, always read them.
After reading your smart alec comment I felt the need to reply. I tried to breastfeed my son for three months. I had my heart set on it however my body did not allow it. I produced enough milk all day for just one feeding. Contrary to your popular belief not everyone is as lucky as you. You should spend your time being grateful for your ability and not chastizing others for their ways of doing things. What goes around comes around my dear!
Don't forget to photo document donations or at least make a list of what you donate. If you itemize your tax deductions you'll be surprised how much you can deduct for charitable contributions.
Donating to a charity is a win-win.
I'm not an old retired man (or woman), I golf or hit the driving range occasionally, but I can take my golf cart to grocery, Starbucks, Walmart, Target, Home Depot, Coldwater Creek, Longhorn, etc. every major convenience of city. Teens choose to take the golf carts in lieu of parents cars most of the time. You can get everywhere here via GC, over 100 miles of paved paths through the beautiful, natural (ie, trees, etc) green space (30%). Hundreds of carts park at the high school. We have many other amenities in the community, by the way there are only 3 golf courses, but 2 lakes, numerous small ponds, 50+ athletic fields, tennis center/courts, aquatics center, multiple city pools, ampitheatre, BMX track, skateboard park, nature preserves (+580 acres), and small airfield, etc. It is perfect for families, in top 10 places to live in U.S. (CNN/Money Magazine), homes from low $100's to $2+ million, schools are nationally ranked Schools of Excellence, with SAT scores averaging higher than the national average, quality health care, and crime is very, very low. Many major international businesses call PTC home, Panasonic, NCR, etc. I think it is a great place to raise a family. Along the paths, you find, walkers & joggers, stroller pushers, bicyclists, everyone smiles and waves. The teens are even well behaved, they know they will probably see someone they know (parents know). I love living in Peachtree City, GA. We have been here 1 year and our 15 year old daughter loves it, she would not consider moving, (well, maybe to the beach!). Check it out [URL="http://www.peachtree-city.org"]www.peachtree-city.org[/URL].