The small town of McCall, Idaho stopped just short of filing for bankruptcy after a judge allowed the municipality to issue 20 year bonds to raise money to pay the contractor for building a new sewer plant. The job was completed more than seven years ago. If they had paid the contract when the job was complete there would have been no problems, but they refused to pay, lost in court and continued to refuse to pay. Now there is interest on the debt, fines, and legal fees on top of the original contract.
"Wealth is better than poverty, but only for financial reasons," quipped Woody Allen long ago.
It's so easy to lose one's balance in a hyper-commercial, super capitalist culture. Ads bombard us daily with the message that we are what we own. If we feel depressed, lonely, or overwhelmed, it's easy to believe that money can buy us friendship, if not love. Your friend's behavior probably flows from this belief system.
Your suggestion of finding other ways to express friendship hits the mark. Perhaps one could suggest/schedule long walk-talks to provide an alternative way to show appreciation and be together without financial obligations. Showing, instead of telling, might be more effective here.
On the other hand, I'm a rather live and let live and speak and let speak guy. Your friend might also need to be feel like a "winner" by picking up a bill - even if on a credit card - while he struggles with other financial issues. As a friend, I tend to offer sympathy and understanding while avoiding harsh judgments without knowing all the relevant facts. After all, in a world where over a billion people live on less than a dollar a day, we are all quite wealthy in the big picture.
It seems to me that if people had decent relationships in the first place (you know, the kind where you tell the truth to your spouse), there wouldnt be much to these shows.
Who would watch a show where the only secret you have to hide from your spouse is the surprise party you are planning?
The state of the family in this country makes me more sad than the fact that they would give it up for cash . . .what more could be expected from them?
This is just too true!! Actually, I posted on my own website just yesterday about resisting those "good buys". (but my writing is in no way as good as yours!) I've fallen into this trap too many times. I can always come up with SOME way to use whatever's on sale, but that is beside the point...do I really need it? (Plus, if I have to spend money to save it, its not much of a saving is it?)
I'm seriously tackling the clutter in my life at this point, so this has really helped tame my buying impulses!
I used to do this with my friends all the time. Then someone suggested I seek treatment for depression. After some deep introspection (and medication) I was able to gain perspective on what I was actually doing. I was trying to get people to like me and like being around me. The same was true at Christmas time; I would buy extravagant gifts for everyone I knew, often for those that couldn't buy anything in return. I didn't expect anyone to reciprocate, I just wanted them to know I wanted to be friends.
Years later, I see some of my friends that do this same thing, whereas I've adopted a more frugal lifestyle. It took a long time, but I eventually realized that if people don't like me for who I am as a person, I don't need them in my life. I don't need to "buy" acceptance any more. My closest friends are the sort of people that can have a relaxing pot luck at my house rather than splurging at a resturant.
My best suggestion would be to have an honest conversation with this fellow. If he wants to pay, gently remind him that you like to pay your own way and you don't want to take advantage of him. If he insists, be firm. If he puts up a fight, look him in the eye and tell him No. Reassure him that paying your own way doesn't change your friendship. It will begin to sink in eventually, and he will respect you more for it in the long run.
It's certainly a malfunction of some sort. Probably compensating for feelings of self-doubt or uncertainty. Of course it could be part of his upbringing. My grandmother is generous beyond compare (though not to self-detriment), but we always have the opportunity and responsibility to politely decline.
I don't believe that adults can be 'spoiled' by others. If we take abuse another's generosity, we're at fault. We all have to take responsibility for our own shortcomings, I think.
It sounds like he has low self esteem and that he's not much fun to be around.
I agree with Jo that it's controlling. Probably not consciously so, but your friend is trying to make himself feel better by being seen as the big man and is ignoring the fact that it makes everyone else unhappy.
He may refuse to 'get' that this behaviour is disliked, but it will almost certainly cause him to lose friends. You could try explaining it to him, but I wouldn't hold out much luck.
Many years ago, I treated friends when I was busted, on my credit cards. I understand now I was grateful for attention and friendship - and thought I had to pay for it somehow, to show my gratitude for the time spent with me.
Beer makers use open vats all the time. There's no need to keep air away.
Glass is fine, although it would be particularly dangerous if you sealed it up and caused an explosion. Don't seal up the fermenting vat, no matter what it's made out of.
I've heard that aluminum is dangerous, although I don't know if that's true or why it would be so.
The sad thing is you can bet there are a lot of people wanting to go on shows like this. Some people simply equate money with happiness. This just goes to show how huge swathes of society have mental health issues.
"He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money."
This behaviour sounds controlling and manipulative to me. Behind a veneer of altruism, he's plastering over some deep psychological wounds, e.g. a low sense of self worth. Like Finance Girl said, some guys try to buy the love of their children. He could be trying to buy friendship, or paying his ex not to bad mouth him.
But when push comes to shove, when he throws your money back in your face when you try to pay your own way, he's still controlling your behaviour to fill his own neurotic needs. It's no wonder that some of his friends are taking advantage. He's setting himself up for co-dependent relationships.
I am currently full time students and I work a full time job. For the 2007 year I filed a 1040A and I made 24000. My mother and father do not claim me as a dependent. Will I get a rebate and if so how much? Thanks!
It sounds like your friend feels guilty for the breakup of his marriage or for not seeing his son regularly. It's pretty common for guys in that situation to try to "buy" their child's love, not because they think they can, but because they feel guilty that they aren't able to give them the "happy" childhood they deserve. This will probably change once your friend becomes involved with another woman :)
I know what you mean about generous givers though. My husband tends to be like that. Personally, I don't like "owing" favors and having to keep track of whose turn it is to buy things. Plus, I don't think it's something people who are in debt can really afford. Why can't we all just pay for ourselves?
I am your pal to a point. I love picking up the dinner check. It elevates the mood and continues the camaraderie. The difference between me and your friend is that I only carry a student loan and a mortgage and though my income is lowish, I can afford it. It's my luxury, my reward for hard work. Also, we're mostly talking restaurants that serve burgers.
I've also come to recognize friends who take advantage. I'd like to be more altruistic in my giving, but once I identify them I will no longer foot the bill until they pull out their wallet at check time. Recently, I had a pal who is good at reciprocal giving and a pal who has never once paid at the same restaurant table. The giving friend and I paid more than our share of the bill and the tip. When we pointed this out my stingy pal made no indication of understanding our request that she cough up the dough! I love my stingy pal and want to spend lots and lots of time with her, but no more free lunches at my expense.
One thing we learned from Katrina - of all the things people lost, I think what broke their hearts the most was losing decades of family photos. Scan them, make a disk to take with you if you ever have to evacuate, and as an additional backup, send a few copies of the disk to relatives out of state who will enjoy having the photos in any event.
Our TV interest du jour is Japanese game shows. I don't know if it is the english edited version but there is never a mention of money or compensation. Most are physical competitions and the only sort of compensation ever mentioned is getting your name on the list of people who have won or completed the obstacle course. There are a couple of them where people do gross dare type stunts but again there doesn't seem to be any sort of financial compensation. Some don't even seem to have a direct competition, more just feats of strength or ability to tolerate something gross or slightly humiliating. But the contestants seem to have a sense of humor about the whole thing.
There was an actual production company that wanted to do a "run for the border" game show. Contestants would have to make it through some awful course or challenges and the prize, U.S. citizenship.
Running man indeed.
Another key step to take when preparing for an emergency is to create a list of all your key information - emergency contacts, medical history, lists of insurance and other financial accounts. In a personal emergency it's hard to remember all those details. At AxcessPoints.com we've made this easy. If you'd like free access, just send me an email - karlyn@axcesspoints.com. I'll send you a secret code that will give you full access for free. Oh one more cool tool, we'll calculate what you should have in your emergency kit - and help you track it.
...was to utilize my local library more, and I am happy to report that I have! I love going in and browsing through magazines for free. No more expensive subscriptions for me. I am so fortunate that my local library has all the bells and whistles described in this post: inter-library loan, internet access, cool free events, and videos.
The small town of McCall, Idaho stopped just short of filing for bankruptcy after a judge allowed the municipality to issue 20 year bonds to raise money to pay the contractor for building a new sewer plant. The job was completed more than seven years ago. If they had paid the contract when the job was complete there would have been no problems, but they refused to pay, lost in court and continued to refuse to pay. Now there is interest on the debt, fines, and legal fees on top of the original contract.
"Wealth is better than poverty, but only for financial reasons," quipped Woody Allen long ago.
It's so easy to lose one's balance in a hyper-commercial, super capitalist culture. Ads bombard us daily with the message that we are what we own. If we feel depressed, lonely, or overwhelmed, it's easy to believe that money can buy us friendship, if not love. Your friend's behavior probably flows from this belief system.
Your suggestion of finding other ways to express friendship hits the mark. Perhaps one could suggest/schedule long walk-talks to provide an alternative way to show appreciation and be together without financial obligations. Showing, instead of telling, might be more effective here.
On the other hand, I'm a rather live and let live and speak and let speak guy. Your friend might also need to be feel like a "winner" by picking up a bill - even if on a credit card - while he struggles with other financial issues. As a friend, I tend to offer sympathy and understanding while avoiding harsh judgments without knowing all the relevant facts. After all, in a world where over a billion people live on less than a dollar a day, we are all quite wealthy in the big picture.
It seems to me that if people had decent relationships in the first place (you know, the kind where you tell the truth to your spouse), there wouldnt be much to these shows.
Who would watch a show where the only secret you have to hide from your spouse is the surprise party you are planning?
The state of the family in this country makes me more sad than the fact that they would give it up for cash . . .what more could be expected from them?
This is just too true!! Actually, I posted on my own website just yesterday about resisting those "good buys". (but my writing is in no way as good as yours!) I've fallen into this trap too many times. I can always come up with SOME way to use whatever's on sale, but that is beside the point...do I really need it? (Plus, if I have to spend money to save it, its not much of a saving is it?)
I'm seriously tackling the clutter in my life at this point, so this has really helped tame my buying impulses!
I used to do this with my friends all the time. Then someone suggested I seek treatment for depression. After some deep introspection (and medication) I was able to gain perspective on what I was actually doing. I was trying to get people to like me and like being around me. The same was true at Christmas time; I would buy extravagant gifts for everyone I knew, often for those that couldn't buy anything in return. I didn't expect anyone to reciprocate, I just wanted them to know I wanted to be friends.
Years later, I see some of my friends that do this same thing, whereas I've adopted a more frugal lifestyle. It took a long time, but I eventually realized that if people don't like me for who I am as a person, I don't need them in my life. I don't need to "buy" acceptance any more. My closest friends are the sort of people that can have a relaxing pot luck at my house rather than splurging at a resturant.
My best suggestion would be to have an honest conversation with this fellow. If he wants to pay, gently remind him that you like to pay your own way and you don't want to take advantage of him. If he insists, be firm. If he puts up a fight, look him in the eye and tell him No. Reassure him that paying your own way doesn't change your friendship. It will begin to sink in eventually, and he will respect you more for it in the long run.
It's certainly a malfunction of some sort. Probably compensating for feelings of self-doubt or uncertainty. Of course it could be part of his upbringing. My grandmother is generous beyond compare (though not to self-detriment), but we always have the opportunity and responsibility to politely decline.
I don't believe that adults can be 'spoiled' by others. If we take abuse another's generosity, we're at fault. We all have to take responsibility for our own shortcomings, I think.
It sounds like he has low self esteem and that he's not much fun to be around.
I agree with Jo that it's controlling. Probably not consciously so, but your friend is trying to make himself feel better by being seen as the big man and is ignoring the fact that it makes everyone else unhappy.
He may refuse to 'get' that this behaviour is disliked, but it will almost certainly cause him to lose friends. You could try explaining it to him, but I wouldn't hold out much luck.
Many years ago, I treated friends when I was busted, on my credit cards. I understand now I was grateful for attention and friendship - and thought I had to pay for it somehow, to show my gratitude for the time spent with me.
Beer makers use open vats all the time. There's no need to keep air away.
Glass is fine, although it would be particularly dangerous if you sealed it up and caused an explosion. Don't seal up the fermenting vat, no matter what it's made out of.
I've heard that aluminum is dangerous, although I don't know if that's true or why it would be so.
The sad thing is you can bet there are a lot of people wanting to go on shows like this. Some people simply equate money with happiness. This just goes to show how huge swathes of society have mental health issues.
"He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money."
- Benjamin Franklin.
This behaviour sounds controlling and manipulative to me. Behind a veneer of altruism, he's plastering over some deep psychological wounds, e.g. a low sense of self worth. Like Finance Girl said, some guys try to buy the love of their children. He could be trying to buy friendship, or paying his ex not to bad mouth him.
But when push comes to shove, when he throws your money back in your face when you try to pay your own way, he's still controlling your behaviour to fill his own neurotic needs. It's no wonder that some of his friends are taking advantage. He's setting himself up for co-dependent relationships.
I keep a little list of what Canon ink cartridges I'll need next, and use that to fill out the $25 minimum when necessary.
By the way, Amazon free ground shipping usually shows up way before promised. I would never pay the annual fee for 2-day "amazon Prime."
I am currently full time students and I work a full time job. For the 2007 year I filed a 1040A and I made 24000. My mother and father do not claim me as a dependent. Will I get a rebate and if so how much? Thanks!
It sounds like your friend feels guilty for the breakup of his marriage or for not seeing his son regularly. It's pretty common for guys in that situation to try to "buy" their child's love, not because they think they can, but because they feel guilty that they aren't able to give them the "happy" childhood they deserve. This will probably change once your friend becomes involved with another woman :)
I know what you mean about generous givers though. My husband tends to be like that. Personally, I don't like "owing" favors and having to keep track of whose turn it is to buy things. Plus, I don't think it's something people who are in debt can really afford. Why can't we all just pay for ourselves?
when you are distilling do you have to use copper pots and tubbing can you use stainless steel or aluminum?
is it ok to use a glass jug to ferment the liquid?
i also heard that air will prevent ethanol from forming is this correct?
thank you
I am your pal to a point. I love picking up the dinner check. It elevates the mood and continues the camaraderie. The difference between me and your friend is that I only carry a student loan and a mortgage and though my income is lowish, I can afford it. It's my luxury, my reward for hard work. Also, we're mostly talking restaurants that serve burgers.
I've also come to recognize friends who take advantage. I'd like to be more altruistic in my giving, but once I identify them I will no longer foot the bill until they pull out their wallet at check time. Recently, I had a pal who is good at reciprocal giving and a pal who has never once paid at the same restaurant table. The giving friend and I paid more than our share of the bill and the tip. When we pointed this out my stingy pal made no indication of understanding our request that she cough up the dough! I love my stingy pal and want to spend lots and lots of time with her, but no more free lunches at my expense.
One thing we learned from Katrina - of all the things people lost, I think what broke their hearts the most was losing decades of family photos. Scan them, make a disk to take with you if you ever have to evacuate, and as an additional backup, send a few copies of the disk to relatives out of state who will enjoy having the photos in any event.
Our TV interest du jour is Japanese game shows. I don't know if it is the english edited version but there is never a mention of money or compensation. Most are physical competitions and the only sort of compensation ever mentioned is getting your name on the list of people who have won or completed the obstacle course. There are a couple of them where people do gross dare type stunts but again there doesn't seem to be any sort of financial compensation. Some don't even seem to have a direct competition, more just feats of strength or ability to tolerate something gross or slightly humiliating. But the contestants seem to have a sense of humor about the whole thing.
There was an actual production company that wanted to do a "run for the border" game show. Contestants would have to make it through some awful course or challenges and the prize, U.S. citizenship.
Running man indeed.
Sounds like there are 3 votes for KitchenAid mixers, which have lasted longer than any of my forever stuff.
Another key step to take when preparing for an emergency is to create a list of all your key information - emergency contacts, medical history, lists of insurance and other financial accounts. In a personal emergency it's hard to remember all those details. At AxcessPoints.com we've made this easy. If you'd like free access, just send me an email - karlyn@axcesspoints.com. I'll send you a secret code that will give you full access for free. Oh one more cool tool, we'll calculate what you should have in your emergency kit - and help you track it.
Interesting how you coined the phrase "relationship." Hmmm, marriage...relationship...are you having fun with words?
They turned Jerry Springer into a game show!
...was to utilize my local library more, and I am happy to report that I have! I love going in and browsing through magazines for free. No more expensive subscriptions for me. I am so fortunate that my local library has all the bells and whistles described in this post: inter-library loan, internet access, cool free events, and videos.
Yay libraries!
Our whole nation, is essentially bankrupt. We remain solvent only because other countries lend us money hand over fist.