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seriously, we don't know what those symbols mean

Air multiplier?! We were told there would be no math.

proof of comfort:

air

air x air = air2

air^2 = \sum_{heat=1}^air(2heat-1)

\frac{air(air+1)(2air+1)}{6}

Room_air = \sum_{temp=1}^air x temp^2 = \frac{air(air + 1)(2air + 1)}{6} = \frac{2air^3 + 3air^2 + air}{6}\frac(is + it + hot + in + here).

4cool(8magic + 7)\frac(honey + turn + the + fan + on)

thus: COMFY

Don’t actually try to parse this. Just trust in airflow as a language.

Cloud Nine

Waterproof. Lifeproof. Loveproof?

Dear Diary,

Today, I am the happiest I have ever been. Today, I met a man. He's smart, and funny and warm. He's everything I've always wanted, but never dared to dream I could ever have.

When he touches me, his soft fingertips awaken things in my browser I never knew existed! He's opened my eyes to a whole new world. A world without fear of drops, dirt or complete submersion. A world with live panda cams and hamsters eating tiny burritos!

I know what you're thinking. I, too, don't even know who I am anymore. I look in the mirror, and instead of the sleek, slim and protective case I've come to expect and, dare I say, take pride in ... it's only hope staring back at me.

More tomorrow.

====================

Dear Diary,

Never mind. He watches New Girl. Ugh.

The Rackfather

Yakima KingPin is the kingpin of bike racks

[BIKE approaches YAKIMA]

BIKE: Don Yakima, it's my daughter. She's a ten-speed mountain bike. I told her not to trust the trunk of the car but she didn't listen to me. Now her tire is bent. Her spokes are tangled. Her handle break is weak. I ask you for justice.

YAKIMA: [petting a cat photo] What is it you want from me?

BIKE: Revenge. On that car.

YAKIMA: You don't visit me. You don't use me as a rack. You don't even think to call me Rackfather. Instead, you ask me to...do something to a car. How do I enact revenge on a car anyway?

BIKE: Uh...clamp onto the trunk...wrong...?

YAKIMA: Had you come to me in friendship, then this scum car that ruined your daughter would be suffering this very day. Somehow. I don't know. 

BIKE: Be my friend... Rackfather.

The Sequel We Demanded! 

In the harsh world of magic and mattresses, who knows who will survive? We’re bedding you don’t!