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Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1" (2014 Edition)

Hot Apps

Get chiseled, well-defined... apps?

You see people on TV with great apps, and you think, what does a shlub like me have to do to get apps like that? 

Well, the answer is simple! By using a Samsung Galaxy Note Tablet! That's right! You don't need a big machine that's going to get in anybody's way! You don't need a costly gym membership! all you need for hot apps is the light and convenient Samsung Galaxy Note Tablet! 

These tablets are the P6000 models! That's 66.666666 times as much P as P90X without that nasty X comedown! And you can have strong, well-defined apps just minutes after boot-up! But you don't have to take it from us, just listen to these satisfied customers:

"I used to be the kind of guy who wore a t-shirt in the swimming pool. Now, with my Samsung Galaxy Note, everyone who sees me on the street compliments my apps." - Doug, real customer

Mint Hard Floor Cleaner

Knight in Shining Microfiber

"Mint Hard Floor, Mint Hard Floor. Wherefore art thou, Mint Hard Floor?"

Peaches the Cat gaz'd longingly out the window. Another day gone, and still nay word from her betroth'd. Had he ev'r existed, 'r had her mind been playing tricks on her? Was he but a dream?

But oh! What an enchanting dream! He was pet perfect in ev'ry way. The manner by which he clean'd expertly along walls and around chair legs, yet whisper quiet in his art. With instincts, sharp like the blade, not only for whence to go, but whence not.

"Where art thou, mine white steed with rechargeable power source? Wherefore wilt i suffer? Wherefore wilt i question the state of mine own floor? If ye art to come, come yarely by way of the Northstar® Navigation System. Until then, with great longing and anticipation, I layeth in wait."

Asus 11.6" Touchscreen Dual-Core Laptop

Technology is Gross

You know when I'll buy this laptop? When it comes with an optional HAZMAT suit add-on.

Laugh all you want. Call me a "weirdo" or a "germ freak" or whatever. But I refuse to buy a laptop, especially this Asus 11.6" Touchscreen one.

Why? Because it's only one letter away from sharing its name with the most vile part of any living creature's body. And speaking of which, I've been in the bathroom with people who waltz right out of the stall and exit the bathroom without washing their hands. Right in front of me! I shudder to think what they're getting their filthy little fingers into when someone ISN'T around to witness it.

SiliconDust HDHomeRun Prime (3 Tuners)

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The cable companies took over the government. But you don't have to rent their box. You can use this instead! SMALL VICTORIES!

This HDHomeRun Prime is a TV tuner and cable box. It works with your existing cable connection and/or TV. Once you connect it to your home router, you can access and record TV from anywhere in your home. No matter what you think right now, this is going to be used in the following ways.

1) The Bathroom. Make faces if you want, but at some point, you're going to be carrying your laptop in there with you. With a HDHomeRun Prime, that won't be a problem. Unless you get caught. Then you'll have to explain yourself to all the people who think that's gross.

The Debunker: Did George Washington Chop Down a Cherry Tree?

In a series of “Debunker” columns from a few years back, Ken Jennings shattered a few beloved myths about the presidency—Abraham Lincoln didn’t write the Gettysburg Address on an envelope, JFK didn’t kill the hat. So why take on four more White House whitewashes this month? It’s a matter of some urgency: Ken has a fun new book out this month about such matters. So get ready to whistle along to “Fail to the Chief” as KJ blows up everything you thought you knew about the leader of the free world.

The Debunker: Did George Washington Chop Down a Cherry Tree?

The Debunker: Can the President Serve Only Eight Years?

In a series of “Debunker” columns from a few years back, Ken Jennings shattered a few beloved myths about the presidency—Abraham Lincoln didn’t write the Gettysburg Address on an envelope, JFK didn’t kill the hat. So why take on four more White House whitewashes this month? It’s a matter of some urgency: Ken has a fun new book out this month about such matters. So get ready to whistle along to “Fail to the Chief” as KJ blows up everything you thought you knew about the leader of the free world.

The Debunker: Can the President Serve Only Eight Years?

Klipsch KMC1 or KMC3 Bluetooth Speakers

Songburn Lotion

Summertime beach jams everywhere! OR ELSE!

When I say I never go anywhere without my summertime beach jams, I mean it 100% literally. Just ask my periodontist, or come along to my synagogue, or check the details on my contempt of court charges. I didn't buy this Klipsch Portable Bluetooth Speaker to leave it at home.

It's almost effortless to stream music from my smartphone and either one pumps out sun-splashed beach bangers with an impressive amount of power. So when you hear "Hot in Herre" in the supermarket freezer section, or "Bootylicious" in the airport men's room, or "Summer Girls" at Abercrombie & Fitch, remember: whatever time of year it is, it's always summer inside a Klipsch Bluetooth Speaker.

Samsung Galaxy Gear Smartwatch- 5 Colors

May The Updated Fourth Be With You

When using the Samsung Galaxy Watch, be aware: what used to be 3pm is now known as "3pm Legends" instead.
 

Of course you'll expect this Samsung Galaxy Watch to function perfectly well as a smart-watch, and it does handle real time notifications, calls and voice commands just as you'd expect. But the numbers you've come to know and love over the years? Well, sad to say... those are no longer canon.

For example, you know how it USED to be that 3:45 was right after 3:44 but before 3:46? Well, we no longer consider that canon. But don't worry, we know that 3:45 is a fan favorite, and we're not leaving it out. It'll absolutely appear somewhere on this Samsung Galaxy Watch... just not how you expect!

Dyson DC44 Animal Cordless Vacuum Cleaner - Blue

The Purrrrfect Crime

Kittens are cute. Cute and DEADLY!

What's that, Little Lucy? Your kitten, Chester, is stuck up in a tree? And he's cold and scared and it's getting dark outside? Wow. Sounds like a rough time for Chester. Let me know when you get that figured out and I'll head out there with my Dyson DC44 to clean up whatever mess he left behind.

You see, Little Lucy, that kitten of yours is a roaming death trap for those with allergies. Everywhere he goes, he leaves behind disgusting heaps of hair and dander that causes certain eyes to water and throats to constrict. No, you're right, Little Lucy: Chester doesn't mean any harm, but harm is what he brings. In other words, he didn't choose to be evil; he just is. Very, very evil. 

HP Quad-Core Desktop with 2TB HD

Heroes & Pavillions

No, you're not seeing things. Out of our desperate attempt to be rich love for giving you options, we've added a little something extra for today. Consider it a gift to us from your wallet to all of you who were hoping for something like this today. It's your chance to help us look good to our bosses get a little something extra for yourself, okay? Thank you You're welcome.