The Needless 9: Insane Luxury Items For You to Laugh At

by Joe Epstein on 2 May 2014 4 comments

The frugal spender may not have all the things that money can buy, but she will have one thing it can't: the ability to laugh at the absurd products other people waste their savings on. The Internet's bursting at its golden-stitched seams with luxury lifestyle sites promoting outrageously expensive or unnecessary products, so have a chuckle at some items you'll need to see to believe.

24 Karat Gold Toilet Paper

At $250 per roll, this gold-embossed toilet paper may just be the most offensively ostentatious bathroom product ever peddled. Buyers can get their TP custom-engraved, or go with standard designs like a rose or "Happy Birthday." Truly, a product for an ass.

Pet Stroller

Want to experience all the joy of walking a dog without actually giving your pet any exercise?! Then shell out $125 for this "luxurious, fashionable" pet stroller.

$1000 Cupcake

This ode to excess is caked in edible gold dust, wrapped in 23 Karat edible gold sheets, and marks the official moment when the "cupcake craze" became just plain crazy.

$50 Olive Oil

You need not be outrageously expensive to make the Needless 9 — just unnecessarily expensive. Enter Five Organic Extra Virgin Olive Oil, which costs four times as much as the steaks it will be sharing the pan with.

A Sports Car Hovercraft

Already have a Lamborghini and a boat? Then all you're missing is this sleek, personal hovercraft, which makes the list based on pure impracticality.

Bottle Opener Shirt

Paying a little extra for a shirt you love is one thing, but paying extra for a shirt because it has a "strategically positioned extra layer that helps prevent bottle twist-off-induced-tearing?" Buy a bottle opener for a dollar.

One of Kind Shirt

...And while we're on the topic of gimmicky shirts, these Frankenstein shirts — made from the fabrics of ten other, probably reasonably priced shirts — cost $200 a piece.

$90,000 Steampunk Pens

"Steampunk" is a genre personified by the Will Smith movie Wild, Wild West, and frankly, he's the only person with enough disposable income to even consider purchasing these Montblanc monstrosities.

Penis Insurance

And finally: this $50,000 penile policy comes with the purchase of three pairs of underwear from Canadian company UNDZ. Actually, maybe the most shrewd purchase on the list...

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Guest's picture
susan

Fun post-but I have to disagree about the dog stroller.

When my JackRussell/Beagle mix, Ranger, turned 17 ( he lived until the age of 18),
he could no longer keep up with our 2 year old hound mix, Boomer, on our daily walks. We left him home exactly once-it broke our hearts to watch him be so confused as to why he wasn't coming along.

I got on the internet to look for a used kiddie stroller-but found the ones made just for dogs. For us, it was a quality of life issue-for a loyal companion that was my children's dog from 1st grade to college graduation, it was worth it.

The other stuff? Yeah. Useless.

Guest's picture

I agree with Susan. Most people I know who have bought a dog stroller got it so an elderly or ill dog could still enjoy "walks."

You'd probably find my dog bike cart ridiculous too. But since I don't have a car, it makes a ten mile trip to the park possible. That's a pretty far walk. But it's nothing with a bike.

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Karen

I'll agree with you about the pet stroller. I used to volunteer at our local animal shelter, and one of the things we enjoyed doing was putting cats in the stroller and taking them outside. They really loved it! Some cats you can train to walk on a leash, but we didn't have that kind of time to teach every cat in the shelter to use the leash. But we never found a cat who didn't enjoy a stroll along the dog trails in that stroller!

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Beverly

Useless? Maybe . . . but I kind of like the looks of the hovercar and a good pen is hard to find.